❝somtimes i think you are a human
hiding in a dog's body.❞
❇
with his best friends dead, sirius black feels that he truly has nowhere to go. lonely and abandoned, he becomes a dog, and roams the streets aimlessly, drowning himself in...
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Chapter Sixty Four: Existential Crisis
23 January, 1983
Remus stared absently at Sirius's wand. It was thin, wooden, slightly curvy, and had intricate patterns engraved at its base. He brought the object closer to his eyes, observing the fine details and care with which it has been crafted, wondering how a simple shaft of wood could be transformed into something so fascinating.
Holding it gently between his fingers, he waved it slightly. He gripped the base, which was thicker than the rest of the wand, and moved his hand in a pattern he has observed Sirius doing. "Accio," he muttered, pointing the wand at the flower vase that stood on the cupboard, as though expecting it to fly straight towards him.
Of course, it didn't happen. He was a muggle, and even a powerful magical item such as this would be completely useless in his hands. He didn't know why this fact disappointed him. Lately, he has been going through mild existential crisis, constantly wondering the what ifs of his life. What if he was born a wizard? What if he grew up at Hogwarts? What if he had known Sirius since the age of eleven?
Would things be different than what was currently going on? Or would they be even closer, with Remus being able to offer more support?
With a sigh, he placed the wand on the bed, staring at it longingly. He wanted to help Sirius and Robbie fight this war. Nowadays, making potions just didn't seem enough to him. He wished he could do more, he wished he could be there beside Sirius as they fought death eaters, as they went on missions and rescued captives. He wished he could actively participate in the meetings that Sirius and Robbie held. Remus didn't like being so useless.
Sometimes, when he allowed himself the luxury of thinking about a time when the war is over, Remus wondered about what their life would be like when they wouldn't be forced to remain in hiding. He was a muggle, and he feared that he wouldn't be welcome among Sirius's community. What if Sirius stopped wanting him anymore and went off with another man, a wizard? He remembered Sirius talking about blood purity, he remembered the term half bloods - wizard children with a close muggle origin. The thought offered him comfort, though only an insignificant amount. No matter what Sirius told him, he feared that there would always be a shortcoming in their relationship, owing to the lack of magical blood in his veins.
He knew Sirius wasn't prejudiced. And yet, there was something, a nagging at the back of his mind, an annoying little voice -
"What are you doing, Remmy?"
He was pulled out of the intrusive thoughts as Sirius's voice reached his ears. He smiled, the fears in his mind flying off all of a sudden. Sirius hopped onto the bed, leaning over him to retrieve his wand, and as his arm brushed against Remus's skin, he felt much, much better. Sirius's presence somehow acted as a balm for him, shielding him from any fears, doubts and undesirable questions that his mind conjured up every now and then.
