Hang in there (Jamilton)

2

Two months had gone by and the wound of Eliza's death had not quite healed, but I had to keep going, for Philip. 

I threw open the pantry door and threw a few containers out of the way. With high rent and debts to be paid I struggled to feed Philip and myself. Usually I had enough for one of us and I knew Philip needed it a lot more than I did. 

My normally slim body had turned frail because of this and I knew I couldn't last forever like this. My once smooth chest had become rigid with bones and I intentionally avoided mirrors to save myself from seeing what I was becoming. 

After knocking over a few more jars of spices and herbs I found a full container of baby food. Smiling to my self I walked over to Philip and held him gently on my chest. He was a quiet child, and didn't cry often. I sat him down gently in his high chair, the one I had bought for cheap on E-bay with Eliza. Just the thought of her sent a pain to my heart, but I held my head high knowing that if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. I took a deep breath in trying to clear my head as I grabbed for the baby food.

I popped the lid off it container and reached for a spoon. Gently stirring the food I looked up a Philip. His large green eyes looked back at me curiously and I gave him his breakfast. 

After he had finished the jar I could tell he was still hungry, but that being the last of the baby food there wasn't much I could do. I made a mental note to go out and grab some today for his dinner. I reached for my little tin of cash I kept on the counter. I almost winced at the amount in there. A couple of containers at best, and my paycheck wasl still a week away. I put my head in my hands as I realized I didn't even have enough to sustain my child. Counting the amount again it also dawned on me that I didn't have enough to hire a babysitter for Philip today.

"Oh Philip, what I am going to do? I could stay home but I need the money. Or I would have to bring you to work with me"

Philip just looked at me with those beautiful green eyes and i sighed.

"Looks like your going on a field trip to the office"

I grabbed my computer bag and a few blankets and a carrier for Philip and head out the door. 

It was a chilly day but I dressed us both snugly so it didn't matter much that we had to walk to the office. I looked across the street seeing one of those jogger moms that run with their strollers. I wish I could do things like that with Philip. But I didn't own a stroller (those things are much more expensive then you'd think) and I simply didn't have time as I worked long hours to try and sustain us.