DISARRAY (Niall Horan A.U)

Chapter 40

Jess' P.O.V

I watch as Niall leaves the room with Louis right behind him. Brett hesitates  before walking out. I wave at him letting him now that I'm fine, which is a lie. However, Brett leaves and shuts the door behind him.

I take a deep breath and try to prepare for what is about to happen. I am going to apologize to my mom and then ask her if she is dying. What if she is dying and doesn't forgive me? I start to pace around the room as all these absurd thoughts enter my mind. Things like my mom disowning me and kicking me out of the house. Not only losing my mom, but also Brett and my dad. I know I am a bitch, especially to my family. However, I do love them and don't want to lose any of them.

"Jessica, what is going on?" Mom bursts into the room with worry written all over her face.

"I should be asking you the same thing." I stop in my tracks and look at my mom.

"What are you talking about?" My mom looks at me completely confused.

"You look exhausted and stressed out. Are you okay?" I start pacing the room again.

"I'm a working mother. Of course I'm exhausted and stressed out." My mom forces a laugh which tells me that nothing is okay.

"Mom, you look sick. This is more than just being a working mom, especially since both of your kids are in college." I stop pacing the room again. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Honestly Jess, its nothing." My mom shrugs her shoulders, trying to play the role of being fine.

"I'm not a little kid anymore. You can tell me what's going on." I say I'm not a little kid, but I start pouting like one.

"You were never a little kid. Jess, my poor, beautiful, stubborn daughter, Your father and I stole that from you." My mom looks away from me with shame written all over her face. "I am exhausted and stressed, because I lost you along time ago and all that grief and guilt has finally caught up to me. You finally got a boyfriend and I had to hear it from your brother."

"What," I say shocked. I know what she is saying, but I can't process it.

"You have always been sensitive to those around you. I could always tell when you overheard my arguments with your dad. You felt my pain, you use to feel everyone's pain. You had two different sides to you. When your dad was gone you were happy and quite funny, but when he was around you were so sad and distant.
I knew he was cheating on me, but divorce wasn't an option. I got over it and kept living my life. It hurt me more when I found out that you walked in on your dad kissing that tramp. I knew it would ruin you, well what was left of you to ruin. You became that distant and sad girl all the time. There was nothing I could do about it." I watch as a tear slides down my mom's cheek. "You became so closed off."

"As long as I can remember I hated dad for how he treated us and I hated you for letting him treat us that way. I blamed you for keeping me in that environment." I walk across the room to be close to my mom. "But it wasn't your fault. The way dad treated us, him cheating on you and then leaving was not your fault. It was his fault. You don't ever need to feel like you lost me or that I hate you, because I don't. You are the strongest person I know. You took care of dad on his death bed, even though he had left. You are selfless." I feel a tear slide down my cheek so I hurry and wipe it away.

"I did it for you and Brett. You both deserved to say goodbye to your dad." My mom takes a deep breath. "Jess, don't hate him, because you think you have to. It's okay to miss him and to love him."

"I know you don't agree, but he is nothing more than a sperm donor. He broke me down too many times all before I turned seven years old. My dad is the man sitting downstairs. The man that makes you happy and the man who showed Brett how to treat a woman." I feel another tear escape my eye and my lip starts to quiver. "I am so sorry for everything I have put you guys through. I'm sorry for being so mean and such a mess all the time."