Sword and Shield (GxG)

Chapter Twenty : The Last Straw : Rikhata-Nia

"Just forget it... You clearly meant nothing by it" Evangaline shook her head and stared at the ground for a few seconds before she lay down, with her back to me. I watched her for a long time, after a while her breathing slowed and I knew she was asleep. I found myself examining the placement of her hands and her position. She had her head on one arm, with that hand covered the hair that had fallen to the ground like a gold blanket. Her other elbow rested on her waist, her hand barely touching the grass close to her stomach. I hadnt really looked at her dress closely before... Pale lavender, the color of late sunset, that was tight over her torso, but lose and free over her legs. Why would she wear something that uncomfortable? No, why would people want her to? If she didnt then everyone would be after her, since she was one of the two figure heads of the East. Why would people want to make her feel trapped? She reminds me of a little caged bird trying to escape when no one looked, but was a happy songbird when others were there to see her perform. I wonder how often it is she feels. How does she feel? Does she know when she acts and when she hides? Or when she fights? I think she has known before at least once. 

I was smiling again.

Why is it that she made me do that without saying anything? Without doing anything? 

She whined a little in her sleep, which had me laugh slightly. I looked at her sleeping face, calm and undisturbed by the world. She was giving me my time to decide how I was going to handle her, but I wasnt able to give myself the time. Being this close, and indecisive was maddening, infuriating, frustrating and so, so deadly. This wasnt a game. With Lilian I had no worries, I was careless. But now... Now I could be at war any day, I would have to carry another's life in my hands, I'd have to stay alive, I'd have to be braver than I ever could be to give in. But then I would be weak for giving up to my own needs... So clearly this is my problem. The argument never ends. I give in to her and I show Lilian I am free of her, I protect myself and I go insane from this bothersome and simple crush, as well as falling at Lilian's feet because she was the one to break me and make me afraid. 

I sighed and lay down. Soon I was asleep. Dreamless, serene, free sleep. Not haunted by a once lived paradise that was never true, or a hope that I could overcome my will for myself. Until something started bothering me, biting at my shoulder. I tried to shove whatever was doing it away, my tired limbs weak and useless. I gave up and sat up, resting my head on my fist and my elbow on my knee. I was already starting to go back to sleep. I needed a silent sleep for a long time.

"Morning" beside me Evangaline was laughing. I blinked. I remembered that I'd kissed her.

"I'm sorry-I know you told me to forget about it... I'm really sorry" I put my face in my hands. Oh my god, what was wrong with me? She'd already told me she was waiting, why did I just have to go and taunt her?

"You kissed me?" she rubbed her neck, looking nervous. 

"Yes... I didnt mean to... I dont know why I did that" I pleaded. "Please dont hold me to it. I'm not ready..." I admit, sleepiness makes me irrational and emotional.

"Its fine" she tried to sound sure, but she wasnt, she was desperate. I hated doing this to her. Why did Lilian have to do this to me? Make me like this? Afraid. A coward. She took away the calmness of this sanctuary and replaced it with the chaos and desires in my mind. I could be living them if she didnt do this. Not only did she never love me, but she never, not once, ever gave me a reason to doubt her, at least, not that I saw until it was too late. Like Evangaline. Lilian had been sweet and loving at some point, when I'd found her. I'd helped her out of my own will and pleasure, and look how it turned out... Evangaline and I were looking away from each other for the longest time. I could see her biting her lip from the corner of my eye. I wanted her. I wanted her so badly. I needed her. I dont even know if it was just my body anymore. She was my polar opposite, she cared and she was born into luxury. I was heartless and born a starving thief. Both of us, I suppose, never knew our mothers, both of us had lost our fathers, neither of us had any real blood family left, both of us were born to be different, a Witch and a Wildling... But she didnt know... I wish I could tell her. It felt wrong that she was doing this for me but I didnt tell her who she was, that I kept any secrets from her. My eyes wondered towards her and met hers as they did the same. I saw the longing in her eyes, the agony of torture. I think her eyes reflected mine. My heart beat was rapidly increasing and my temperature was burning. And I realized we were both leaning closer to each other. Almost surprisingly, Evangaline turned away. 

"I... Uh... Follow me, I want to show you something" she got up and walked off. I stayed, frozen, for another moment, then got up and ran after her. She was waiting at the base of a tree. I turned to where she was facing, the sun was over the lake in the middle of the valey, between two mountains, reflecting into the glassy pool below. I smiled and started climbing up the tree we were near. I sat up on one of the branches.

"Here" I held out my hand for Evangaline. She looked up at me, five feet off the ground, then down, then back up, then she took my hand. I laughed and shook my head. "Grab my wrist" Evangaline blushed and did as I told her. Her hand send lightning through my blood as I pulled her up. She sat beside me, close so she didnt go too far out on the fragile extremities of the limb. We looked on at the view for some time, and throughout I was all too aware of Evangaline's shoulder brushing mine, and her legs occasionally bumbing into me. How long can I take this? A hundred little things that I can pass one at a time, but they're gathering. All the snowflakes are turning into a blizard, the drizzle to a hurricane, the breeze to a tornado, the wish to need. I need her. I cant do it. I cant do it. I cant keep this up.

I turned slowly to Evangaline. She did the same as soon as she noticed. 

"I cant keep doing this" I slowly reached out with one hand. Evangaline looked at it with fear, rather, with shock. "I give up" I touched her neck, her warmth under my fingers spread like wildfire to all of my body. I could tell that Evangaline had an idea what was happening, just a moment, a fleeting thought in the confusion and din of posibilities I could see flooding her mind through her eyes. I leaned in close to her. She just managed to whine just like last time I'd been about to kiss her. This time she knew she had made noise, and blushed, but her eyes didnt leave my lips. I smiled and she finally looked me in the eyes and smiled back. Then, as expected, I kissed her.

I felt my heart explode, my blood boil in my veins, every cell of my existance was electrified and burst to life. My hand found its way from her neck to her cheek, to the back of her head to hold her close. I didnt care about Lilian anymore, I was free. I was set free. I put my free hand on Evangaline's waist, she touched my arm lightly, while her other hand touched my face so shakily and nervously I wanted to show her I wasnt afraid anymore. 

I am not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to say that I am ready to give in. And I'm not afraid to fall because I know I'm falling safely. I'm falling free.

**TA DA! FINALLY I GOT AROUND TO THIS AND I PROMISE YOU THE REST OF THE STORY IS SMOOTH SAILING! Ha ha ha ha no way guys, I'm not done with this one quite yet ;) <3 Kira