Sword and Shield (GxG)

Chapter Nineteen : The Perfect Nightmare : Evangaline

"Um..." I tried to process what had just happened. I touched a finger to my lips. Rikhata pushed herself into a seated position and looked away from me. 

"I-I'm sorry. I didnt mean to do that" Rikhata whispered. 

"Just forget it... You clearly meant nothing by it" I forced myself into giving up the hope that she'd repeat her mistake. It was wrong of me to want something from her that she was too afraid to give. I cant blame her for it either. I had been afraid of what I felt to her, and I still am , but I've learned that my fear is less than my desires. And if I'd been in her situation... I dont think I'd have made it this far. 

"But I did. I want to trust you enough to... I have feelings for you, but I dont know if they're strong enough to drive me into overcome my fears" Rikhata ran her hands through her hair. I bit my lip to hold back my involuntary smile.

"I'll wait" I breathed. "And I understand what you mean. But you should still know that you can trust me. I dont expect you to be ready now or soon, but trust that I wont try to cause you any harm one way or another" 

"Please give me a reason to stop liking you. You're not making it any easier for me" Rikhata laughed dryly.

"Well what would you like me to do? Not hurt you or try to prevent you..." I couldnt get it out of my mouth. She likes me? How could she possibly like me after all I did to her?

"What do I want you to do? I dont know..." RIkhata sighed. "I'm not good at dealing with emotions, to be honest I think I'd be much better off without them"

"But they're still here. So what are you going to do?" 

"Thank you for that insightful return to reality" she responded sarcastically. "I dont know. I just dont know. I've always just been able to block out anything I didnt want to feel" 

"Maybe thats the problem. Maybe you have to understand how you feel so you can manage yourself" I told her. She gave me an almost amused, analytic look. 

"You never cease to surprise me, Princess" I smiled a little, not exactly with joy, but with a kind of sympathy that had us on level ground.

"I could say the same of you, Wildling" odd, how I didnt realize how Rikhata's expression had lightened until she just now returned to a stoic shield. 

"How can you know what I'm supposed to do?" She said blankly, staring off into empty space.

"I dont. I know how I felt when I met you and how I assumed what I felt was hate instead of trying to understand it with an open mind. I had a created more of the thing I thought I felt, closing out my thoughts and only feeling what was easier for me" 

"Neither one of my options is easier for me. In a purely selfish view I could give in to fear, be safe from heartbreak, and risk my happieness, or I could give into desire, live with fear, and risk getting hurt" Rikhata thought aloud. "And, for you, I could be selfish, protect myself, or I could take advantage of you by needing safety"

"That wouldnt be taking advantage; not if you need it or others are willing to give it" 

"What about the cost?" 

"What?"

"How much will help cost me? Giving my full trust away? Risking pain for both of us?" Rikhata finally met my eyes, giving me a hard look, with fear burning through her emotionless act.

"Why would there be a cost? I dont expect what isnt assured to me, if you want my help I wont expect anything in return unless you are willing to give it"

"Really?" Rikhata stared at me questioningly. 

"Of course" 

"I dont see how I can have what I want without giving you my trust. I cant bring myself to put my faith in you to not push me or hurt me. I'm sorry" Rikhata lay down on her back just as it seemed I was convincing her. "I want you. I wont deny that. I know you dont mean to hurt me, so I hope you can understand that I'm not trying to hurt you with this torrment... I want you to be mine, I want to give myself to you, I'm trying... Please understand..." she lay on her side, facing me. We were maybe a foot appart, which made an unusual sensation fill me. The odd feeling had become more frequent recently, driving me to be close to Rikhata. I'd felt desire before, but never as strongly as I do now. With a sad expression Rikhata slowly reached towards me, gently touching the back of her hand to my cheek. Where she made contact with my skin I'd get a surge of electricity. 

"Rikhata, please dont" I looked into her eyes pleadingly. "I can only take so much"  

"Show me that I can trust you. Show me because I cant take being afraid anymore. Show me because I need you" Rikhata's thumb ran lightly over my lips, barely touching me, but still she left a trail of fire wherever she went. "I cant take this anymore. I'm terrified of you, but I want you more than I fear you. I know you were right, now I see and I cant stand it" she pulled me in by the waist and brought my head closer to hers. I could feel her hot breath on my lips, my heart pounding in my chest. 

Something pressed against the side of my face. It got harder and harder until light burst through my eyes and I sat up. The foal from before had come back, standing over me and nudging my face. 

"Go away" I sighed groggily. Why was I so tired? No I wasnt tired. I had just woken up. It felt like a dream, but when did it start? Did she ever kiss me? Rikhata was asleep, on her side with her back turned to me, her sides rising and falling steadily. I didnt want to desturb her while she was asleep, so I just watched her. The foal, however, had other ideas, and waltzed over to her, nipping at her arm until Rikhata shoved the little horse away gently and sat up as well. 

"Morning" I smiled as RIkhata rested her head on her knees, trying to go back to sleep. She looked at me with heavy eyelids, but once she saw me her eyes widened.

"I'm sorry-I know you told me to forget about it... I'm really sorry" she rubbed her eyes.

"You kissed me?" I rubbed the back of my neck, if she didnt... Oh god.

"Yes... I didnt mean to... I dont know why I did that" She whimpered. "Please dont hold me to it. I'm not ready..." I thought she was... Cute... How she'd start reacting so differently to the world when she was tired. I wish she wasnt. 

"Its fine" I sighed. I remembered the dream all to vividly, how her skin felt against mine, the flames brought on by her touch... But none of it was real. Which made me long for something even more: what would it feel like when she did, if she was ever going to, touch me or kiss me again.