The Space Between

And I Will Swallow My Pride

I felt like I was drowning. No matter how hard I tried to stay afloat, I kept sinking. As I sat in my plane seat waiting for the flight to depart, I felt empty. Seeing her hurt more than I realized it would. I walked away all those months ago but the wounds still felt fresh. She seemed happy. Nate seemed happy. Everything seemed to be perfect. I was a completely different story. I was a complete wreck and somehow I managed to keep it from the surface, but inside I was miserable. I knew that my family could tell something wasn't quite right, but how could I explain it to them? My brother is married to the woman that I have fallen completely and utterly in love with and I had to leave her. I had to suffer this burden alone. It was my only choice.

She looked so radiant and beautiful. She literally took my breath away. I desperately missed her. I missed the way she smelled. I missed her smile. I missed the way she'd lay her head on my chest and sigh. I just missed her. The way my name sounded on her lips. She was all that mattered to me, and now she was his. In the end I guess she always was. They had a family now. Gracie brought them closer together. I could see the way she looked at him. It made me jealous. I wanted her to look at me that way. She wouldn't though. She didn't love me. She loved him and that's the way it should be.

"Demi." Shane said snapping me out of my private torture. "You're frowning." He said.

"Yeah. I'm just bummed about having to leave Gracie. She's amazing." I lied.

"Me too. Makes me want one you know?" He said.

I smiled. "Yeah I know what you mean."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I sighed.

"What have you been doing in LA?" He asked.

"You really wanna know?" I asked.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know." He replied.

"Working out the details of being released from my record contract." I told him.

"Well holy shit Dem. that's kinda a big deal. Why?" He asked as I felt the plane begin to taxi.

"I want out. I'm tired of the business." I stated.

It was a simple answer. He seemed satisfied because he just nodded in response.

"It's your life." He said as he opened up a magazine and started reading.

As usual my thoughts drifted back to Selena. She was driving me insane. She's all I could think about. I felt gravity push me back in my seat as the plane lifted off the ground. I watched as the earth disappeared below me. I wondered what she was doing right now. I sat in silence the entire flight. I missed her and it was slowly destroying me.

I was relieved when Shane and I finally made it back to the ranch. I needed to be alone. I grabbed a bottle of Jack and sat out on the front porch looking into the night sky. Every night she would come out here looking for me. I smiled when I remembered the first time she came out here. She was nervous. I wasn't, I was drunk and carefree. Things were simpler then. I wanted so badly to go back and erase that kiss. I couldn't look at the old oak tree anymore without thinking about it. I never should have done it. She never should have followed me that night.

I continued to drink until the bottle was nearly empty. I stood up and stumbled out into the yard. Everything was a blur. The alcohol softened the edges of the landscape turning it into one blurry mess. I moved closer to the oak tree and leaned up against the rough bark of the trunk. Without its support I probably would've fell. As I stood there with my arms wrapped around the tree, I felt angry and so alone. I leaned my back against the trunk and sank to the grass. I felt so hopeless. My heart felt like it was in my throat and I couldn't breathe. Once the tears started falling, they wouldn't stop.