The Space Between

Turn Off All The Lights

For nearly a year, I have been living behind a mask. If you look closely, you can see the cracks in its surface. This mask gives the outward appearance that everything is fine. It makes people think that I am the perfect wife and that I love my perfect husband. I hide behind that mask during the daylight hours. At night, it comes off. I hide in the shadows and let the darkness cover me in its cold veil. Only then will I let the tears fall. It wasn't until I met her, that I realized that my idea of love was very naive. Love was meant to be consuming and painful. I didn't feel that with Nate. Demi lit my heart up in ways I cannot describe. True love burns with an intensity that is almost unbearable. She gave me those things. In her arms, I was home. If I had known her before I agreed to marry Nate, things would be much different right now.

I felt sick. These past few weeks I've had difficulty sleeping and eating. Anything I ate made me nauseous. I was emotional and completely miserable. I wasn't this person. I didn't lie to people, it's not who I am. I have never felt so out of touch with myself as I do whenever I am around my husband. When he told me that he wouldn't be able to make out to the ranch until three weeks after I left, I had never felt more relieved.

As I pulled up to the house, I could see Demi sitting down on a stool shoeing a horse. She didn't look up from her task and I didn't really expect her too. She was concentrating as she tapped the nails into the horses hoof. I could see Taylor in the garden with Connie. I stepped out of the vehicle and doubled over as the urge to vomit washed over me. Shane quickly ran over to see of I was ok.

"You alright Sel?" He asked a concerned look on his face.

"Yeah." I breathed. "Just a little carsick." I said as he led me to the porch to sit.

I smiled my thanks and took a couple deep breaths. I noticed Demi briefly pause what she was doing to study me. Her wide brimmed hat hid her eyes. After a about a minute or so, she resumed her work. I sat there until she finished. I probably wouldn't have been able to move even if I wanted too. Once she returned the horse to the corral, she made her way over to me.

"You look really pale Selena." She said, her features heavy with concern.

"I haven't been feeling well." I explained.

"You should lay down." She said softly. "Come on. Lets go upstairs."

"Ok." I said slowly standing up. I felt wobbly and was relieved when I felt her arm wrap around my waist. "Sorry." I said taking a shaky breath.

"I've got you." She says her tone reassuring.

She takes me upstairs and helps me into bed. Her touch is gentle and comforting. I wanted so much for her to crawl into bed and hold me. I knew she wouldn't though. Once she tucked me into bed, she kissed my forehad and mumbled something about bringing me some food. She returned thirty minutes later with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Surprisingly, I was able to keep it down. She sat silently as I ate the food. I could tell she had something on her mind.

"You're distant." I said softly.

"I know. I'm sorry." She said.

"Are you upset with me?" I asked her.

"No. Just myself." She smiled sadly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

"I live inside my head." She says.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"All day long I think about you and us and Nate and what the hell we're gonna do." She says running her hand through her messy hair. "I know that what I'm doing, is wrong. I know that everytime I touch you, I'm betraying my brother. The worst part about it is I don't even care anymore. I want you to leave him Sel. For real. I don't want to wait for you anymore. All of this hiding is killin us." She said to me.