The Space Between

Come Break Me Down

I suppose I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was when she almost said it. I had been feeling it for quite sometime now. I couldn't say it though. It was never going to happen for us. The more I tried to push her away, the tighter she held on. I was consumed with guilt yet here I am laying in her arms. I was slowly breaking down and I don't think she realized it. Nate certainly didn't. I sighed as I thought about him. I wish he would just catch us and put me out of my misery. This was not who I was, I felt like I was living someone else's life.

"Demi." I whispered when I felt her stir. "We really need to talk." I said to her.

"What's on your mind Sel?" She asked her voice raspy from sleep.

"This hurts too much." I said my voice my voice catching.

"I know." She grumbled.

"Do you? Sometimes I feel like you're oblivious to what we are actually doing.

"Sel, I'm not oblivious to anything. I realize that we're having an affair. I'm not fucking brain dead." She said her tone short.

"How are you ok with this?" I asked.

"It's simple, I lo..." She sighed as she stopped herself from saying it. " I care about you." She said emphasizing the word care.

"We are seriously getting deeper into a mess that we may never be able to clean up." I said.

"Why stop now Sel?" She asked annoyed. "The damage is done." She added.

"Demi..."

"I'm not gonna let you go Sel. Period. End of story." She stated her tone completely serious. "So just stop."

I sighed and sat up. "You need to get ready." I said taking the sheet with me as I went to the front of the bus.

I needed to get away from her for a few minutes.

She really wasn't going to let me go. I knew how unpredictable she was when you pissed her off. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing myself not to cry. I don't think she realized how much she was actually hurting me. I wish she'd stop fighting and let me go. She was stubborn and unreasonable sometimes. I know what she was feeling, because I felt it too. I was in love with her. I just happened to be married, to someone else. I didn't belong to her. I belonged to him. I sat and stared out the window. I barely noticed when she walked by to exit the bus. After a few moments I got up and got ready. I grabbed my camera and got ready to watch her play in front of another sold out crowd.

It started to rain toward the middle of her set. I watched as the stage crew covered up some of the equipment with tarps and plastic sheeting. They gave her a thumbs up signifying she could keep playing. I watched as she took the guitar off her shoulder and handed it to the tech.

"How about that rain Phoenix!?" She yelled into the mic.

The crowd erupted as she brushed her hair out of her face.

"So, I wanted to take a few moments and play you guys a song that I love very much. I didn't write it, but if you know the words, sing along. It's called The Kill." She said as the guitars and drums kicked in.

I watched and listened as the crowd sang along to every line. She was completely drenched as the sky continued to pour. Before she got to the bridge, she jumped off the stage and climbed up the barricades. I laughed as the security tried to pull her down but she fought them and slapped their hands away until they finally gave up and held her up.

She reached her arm into the crowd and grabbed a hold of someone's hand and didn't let go the entire time she belted out the rest of the song. I took several pictures and watched in awe as fans grabbed a hold of her legs and arm, helping hold her up so she could stand on the narrow barricade. It was amazing.