A Smile Can Hide Anything

Chapter 12

Dear Phil Lester,

You're just a stupid black haired boy with blue eyes so tell me why I'm more addicted to you than to any drug.

I'm falling for your ocean eyes and yet, I'm drowning in them.

The sky is beautiful but I'd rather look at you because you have more galaxies in your eyes than the number of stars in the sky.

They say the saddest people smile the brightest. You told me my smile lit up the whole world.

Wish we could turn back time to when we first met. That day I finally felt alive for the first time.

I often wonder if you think of me like I think of you, I just wanted you to fall for me like I fell for you.

They said I would get over you but here I am loving you more than ever, Damn.

My heart aches for your lips against mine and my bones grow cold because you never held me and my whole body needs you.

Sometimes there is this sad feeling, the despair of doing nothing. You just want to stay somewhere alone and slowly fade away.

I hate the way you look at me... it makes me think you actually love me.

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words.

They say home is where the heart is, but you took my heart away and left me with nothing but a shelter with boards and beams.

I knew you didn't love me, but I adored you anyway.

I read our old messages. I laughed then I cried.

The moon split in half, the stars crumbled, falling like fireworks into the sea. I watched my whole world fall apart the day that you left me.

I want to be happy but something inside of me screams that I do not deserve it.

I'm tired and confused. I want to sleep forever.

My own mind is driving me crazy and I can't run away from it.

Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and try to fall asleep before you fall apart.

I try to convince myself that I no longer care about you but, I always find myself thinking about you.

You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.

Silly of me, to think you could fall in love with someone like me.

I was the one who loved you even though you gave me a thousand of reasons not to.

The love you can't have lasts the longest feels the strongest and hurts the most.

In a room of art, I'd still stare at you.

Like ice melts into rain, Love melts into pain.

You still make me smile, even if you're the main reason why I'm sad.

I wish you knew what you meant to me and how your name plays in my head like a song on repeat when I try to fall asleep at night.

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

If I could have anyone in the world, it would still be you.

We used to talk for hours... look at us now.

Tornadoes demolish houses like tsunami wash away hopes and dreams, but I've never seen a smile so destructive as yours.

I made you laugh. And it was like the stars aligned and the heavens opened up.

I realized how much I adored you. And that terrifies me.

I love you. I didn't say that enough today.

Those who are heartless once cared too much.

I'm not even a whisper in your thoughts yet, you're screaming in mine.

You were a chapter in my book, but I was merely a line in yours.

If I die, don't cry, look at the sky and say goodbye.

When I die don't come to my grave and sit there for hours telling me how much you miss me because those are the things I wanted to hear when I could still hear...

Promise me, you won't forget our laughs, our jokes, our smiles, our conversations, our plans, our tears, our memories, our experiences, our friendship...

I love you Philip Michale Lester and promise me you'll never forget that.

~ Goodbye Phil,

Daniel James Howell