Always You

(7)What if?

I found at a very young age that I had anxiety issues. It was not something I shared with everyone because I never took it as a huge problem. It was bad at first but with time I learned how to control it and how to distract myself. I didn't take any serious medications and stuck to herbal ones. 

Honestly, all things are the games of the mind and you need to just overpower it yourself. Even now it happen like I wouldn't sleep all night because my heart felt like it was racing or I had erratic mood swings. 

But the way you deal with it is to do something that comforts you. 

For me at the time it was talking to Vivaan. He was the most sleepiest guy you could ever meet but if I called him up at  4 a.m, he would pick up and he would actually talk to me until I got tired enough to sleep. 

I had never met anyone like him. He became special. 

So when he abruptly deleted himself from my life, it all turned into pure hatred. I hated him. He tried to talk to me but I never did. He tried to mend things but I didn't want to. 

Aman....Aman was so different. I didn't understand him at all. 

Did we have some connection? Like we spoke and couldn't stop talking to each other ? Uh, no. Not at all. We used to run out of subjects to talk about it. Did I tell him about my anxiety? Yes, I did mention it sometimes but never so deeply. I was honestly afraid to call him up when I wanted to talk to someone. I never did. 

Love at first sight? Highly doubt that. I was extremely nervous and clumsy when I met him for the first time and I don't think I was  that interesting because I don't remember talking that much either. 

But here we are. Actually married and happy. That's what matters right? That we are happy. I have always been happy with him. He makes me happy. He keeps things simple and that's what I need the most. SIMPLE. Not complicated. 

There was nothing a romance novel like about our relationship. If you look into Aman's mind then you will find out the same thing, it wasn't like he met me and he was sure I was the one. I highly doubt that.  Aman has never really stated any reasons for being with me other than the fact that he knows I love him. 

There is only one thing about us from a romance novel, well for me it is and it's that when I kiss him, for those few seconds, those tiny little microseconds, I am not thinking anymore. 

Which is a big deal because I am an over-thinker. 

Suddenly, the loops connect and I feel like yes, this is where I belong. With this guy. This complete opposite of me, guy. This guy who has no idea what to say to make me feel better but he doesn't really need to because when I see him everything automatically does get better. 

"Where are you lost?" Aman asks. Oh god. I did it again. I should stop zooming out again and again. 

"Nothing," I say and noticed that both of them were done and Aman was paying the bill. I had hardly touched my food. 

"You didn't eat anything," Vivaan said. "Should we get something packed for you?"

"I am not that hungry but thank you," I replied, relieved that we were getting to go back home finally. 

After saying our goodbyes, Aman and I were heading back home. 

"Okay, now tell me. What was up with you tonight?" he asks. I was hoping he didn't notice how aloof I was. 

"Nothing?" I reply. 

"Are we going to play that game again? Where I ask you what happened and you say nothing a thousand times before finally giving up telling me? Save us both time and tell me now."

A little shocked, I replied "Nothing, I just didn't expect to see him." 

"So? You run into lots of old friends but this is the first time you have behaved this way."

"We didn't end things in a good note." 

"Did you ... date him?"

I sighed. Moment of truth. 

"For almost two years," I reply. 

Aman looked at me and said nothing. "Well, that can be awkward. I understand."

"Thanks, honey. I am just glad that I am here with you now," I said and smiled at him. He smiled back but didn't say anything. 

"I'm not going to get jealous don't worry," he said. "Everyone has a past."

"Really?" 

"Really."

"So is it okay to work with a guy who once kissed your wife?" 

He didn't reply for merely about five seconds.

"Yes."

"Who once held her ?"

"Yes."

"Who once touched her?"

"Are you deliberately trying to make me angry?" he asked. I smiled. 

"Yes," I said. "I was just kidding. Thanks for understanding but it is not like I have to run into him again."

"I meant to say if you do, I totally understand. It would be totally cool." 

"Okay," I said. That was odd. He was cool if I was friends with my ex? My husband was so much more mature than me. 

If it were me I would just take a knife and write "MINE" on Aman's skin so that all his exes stayed away from him and he wouldn't think of being friends with any one of them. 

I need to stop watching violent films. 

As we reached home, I couldn't wait to see what Amyra was upto. Ringing the doorbell, I opened the door to a very disheveled looking Rhea. She was rocking Amyra in her arms who was screaming a little. 

"This girl is a handful," she said. "She goes after her mother. Happy one minute, crying the other.." 

"I thought so too," Aman replies while loosening up his top collar button.  

After grabbing an ice-cream with Rhea and telling her all about today, it was almost midnight when I was getting ready for bed. 

Aman was putting Amyra to bed tonight and I was secretly recording it. Amyra was odd that way. She hardly ever cried when Aman held her. 

Finally, he came back and flopped down on the bed while I was brushing my hair. "So, about those hug, kiss and touch..?"

"I thought you were totally cool," I said and laughed. "What about them?"

He walked up closer to me. "Do you think he would be okay that I am alone with you here tonight?"

"Who cares what he..." He cut me off before I could finish. 

"What if I touch you?" he said and pulled me closer to him and in his arms. "Forget him. Are you okay?"

"Of course," I said. My heart was slightly racing now. "More than okay."

"And if I kiss you?" 

He didn't wait for me to reply and just kissed me. 

**