"My heart is paper
It flew in the sky
And drowned in the river
And as ashes,
It died."
I recite over and over again
I can't take it anymore; everywhere I go or do, something always reminds me of him. I breakdown and cry whenever I see someone with the same blonde hair and blue eyes, or even just looking at couples. Michael has been with me through all of it; he even cancelled on going to the Green day concert just to look after me. But now, Michael's nowhere to be seen, he's been gone frequently for the past few nights; leaving me here alone in my room.
I have been getting soft, I'm no longer the emotionless statue I was a month or so ago, but I am back to where I started; crying over a boy who never really cared for me. I sit on my bed alone looking out at my window; nothing to see but a few or so stars and nothing to hear except the honks of cars.
I close my eyes trying to finally relax but suddenly open them as I hear a familiar sound bursting its way to my ears.
"There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit on the corner
No one can bother me
I think I should speak now
I can't seem to speak now"
Pink Floyd's song is bouncing off my walls; it's too loud. I take any breakable things I could find and smash it against the wall. No, no, no this can't be happening again, it can't I think to myself. Memories flood over me like waves on a beach; hitting me over and over again until I could take a breather:
"Here Bella I made this for you, it's to teach you what REAL music is" Luke laughs handing me a cassette with a mix tape
"'94 MIXTAPE FOR BELLA" it read; me grinning and hugging Luke close
stop. Stop. STOP.STOP! "Get out of my head!" I yell over and over again, covering my ears with my fist. It doesn't help; the music keeps getting louder and louder. I need to leave, I need to.
I try running out for the front door but it doesn't open. I slam my fist against the door hoping it'd magically open with my tears; but let's face it, this is reality.
"This is my jam!" Luke yelled across the room; signalling me to turn it up louder; i laugh to myself, what happened to not caring for anyone? He picks me up and spins me around like many times before
"I'm in love with you; and nothing's ever going to change that." Luke says whispering in my ear; I smile widely and kiss him hard on the lips.
"I am also in love with you Lucas." I say and we both laugh
I run into the kitchen taking the closest sharpest object. My hands shaking as I take a deep breath and my heart beating as the cool sharp blade gliding against my already-cut up forearm. The music suddenly stops after that; I throw the knife against the wall; what the hell am I thinking? I put my heads in my knees and my arms at my side. Blood dripping on the ground as my tears do also.
I was getting better. For him.
I hate this; I really do. I thought I was getting better. I did. I am. Are'nt I?
"No."
-
"Belle? Bella wake up please!" two arms shake me awake, my ears are ringing and my eyes are so puffy I can barely see. I could feel my heart beat slow in pace and my eyes getting heavier by the second. I rub my eyes with my palms and realize it was Michael; his eyes are filled with worry and agony. He pulls me into a tight hug resting his free hand on my back repeating the same sentence twice
