It's been at least two weeks since i last saw Luke in Michael's bedroom; where he just disappeared out of thin air.
It's been at least two weeks since I heard our song in the waiting room; where I scared many patients and disturbed many people.
It's been two weeks since I last heard the voice inside me; where I had that mental breakdown in Cathy's office.
Am I going mad? Or am I getting better?
I'm so confused with this feeling inside of me; before I was sent to Cathy, I was empty with no more emotions, with nothing else to fight with. But something triggered me that day; two weeks ago.
I know it wasn't my imagination in that bedroom; Luke was there I just. Don't know anymore; I'm so confused. I have all these emotions bundled up inside of me; wanting to come out. I'm so confused and hurt and scared what will come for me. Is this going to be me my whole life? I'm barely passing in my studies but still; I just need; help. But I don't think I'm good enough to take it;
That 'therapy book' Cathy gave me is no use; I only use it for random doodles or grocery lists; Michael's really pushing me to use it but as I said; I'm not ready. Cathy also wants me to get better so she had Michael give me 'check ups' on my scars every now and then. He's never done it though; he never really likes the idea of blood or bruises.
"Belle, uh erm Cathy wants me to do that check-up now... just head to the bathroom when you're ready." Michael says nervously rubbing the back of his neck; i slowly nod not really wanting Michael to see what I've created under these layers of clothes I always wore.
I head to the bathroom wearing a tank and cardigan and some roots sweatpants; I sit on the counter of the sink as Michael stands up from the seat of the toilet;
"Let's get this over with" he says under his breath; he slowly takes my knit cardigan off revealing all the cuts and scars on my forearm.
"Fucking hell Bella." He says looking me in the eyes; he traces his hand on the smooth and ivory skin on my bicep then to the destroyed cut up forearm. His breathing gets heavier by the second; the last thing I want him to do is faint, and he doesn't. He takes both my forearms and kisses them repeatedly;
"Bella please don't do this anymore, please." He pleads looking at me with glossy eyes, I slowly nod my knowing without Luke; there isn't anyone to hurt for anymore. With all these feelings inside me; I don't need to feel anymore.
He picks me up; his arms wrapping around my waist and sets me down on my bed. I wrap my arms more securely on his neck not wanting him to let me go; he lies down on my bed me on top of him; his scent filling my nostrils, breathing every breath I could take of him. For the first time in forever I smile, an actual smile.
I know I can never keep that promise, but for him, I'll atleast try.
-
I wake up seeing Michaels face before mine; he smiles in his sleep making me smile too. I look at this boy before me memorizing every part of his face; I remember how Michael is the only one left. My dad left me after he saw me attempt to commit suicide and my mother; died when I was only eleven years old; Michael is the only one, and I'm repaying him by treating him terribly.
I'm getting better, I am, just for him. I'm taking the new medication Cathy has prescribed and slowly stopped harming myself.
But this isn't enough, it's never enough.
I stand up from the bed and walk over to Michael's bedroom grabbing his laptop; wondering if he'd like a little surprise from me.
-
