monachopsis (Sequel)

28. Forgive me too

Aubrey sat in the emergency stairwell as tears of sorrow dripped from his low hanging head.

He wanted to hate Ramsey, but... with all he put her through, with all they've been through, she was still looking out for him. Even as she held their son, dead, in her arms she still thought about him. She protected him from what she knew he couldn't bare.

How could I hate her?

She was played off as his assistant for the first year of their relationship. Ramsey watched him seduce other woman from across the room, watched him cheat on her with two different women, she was pregnant on her own, twice. Ramsey stood up to the dragon that is his mother, managed to stay calm during the release their "sex tape", stayed by him when he was told he had a secret love child with his ex...

How could he hate her?

How could he say that child wasn't his?

Why did he treat her that way for so those years?

Why did she stay?

He stood up from the top step he sat on and dusted himself off. Aubrey straighten himself up before heading back to room. Stopping at the men's bathroom on the way, Aubrey splashed cold water on his face to cool himself down. No matter how much he tried to clear the redness from his eyes the saddened look on his face couldn't be fixed.

He walked into the room to see Ramsey laid on her side hissing from the pain of a ending contraction. He closed the door gently and got behind her on the bed slowly trying not to add to her pain.

Putting one arm under her and one over her belly he kissed the back of her neck catching her off guard.

"I'm sorry." He said softly. "I can be mad at you all I want but you've done way more for me than I've ever done for you. We both have messed up, more so me than you. All those times I was out with Robin or going to Tennis matches for Serena... I was being foolish, I can admit that. You were at home waiting for me to come back to you and I was out being unfaithful. I never slept with them, I promise on my life I didn't. But Jade? I don't remember sleeping with her... For all I know that video could be old. If I did remember I wouldn't have been able to live with myself and would've told you right away. Shit if I could remember I wouldn't have done it in the first place. I had already hurt you enough by not claiming you when I was asked if I was seeing someone. I didn't want to hurt you further. But I did... The things I said to you were evil and malicious. I was angry and I wanted to hurt you the best way I could. Even though I said it... I know in my heart it wasn't your fault the baby died. I know it's not true, I should've never have said that to you no matter how angry I was. I'm so so sorry Ramsey. I really am." He said as his voice cracked with emotion.

Ramsey stared out the window as her tears rolled down to the pillow under her.

"You were so angry about me hiding the baby that you didn't wait around for the full story. I wasn't hiding it from you because I wasn't going to tell you... It was because it hurt to even think about it. I had bottled it all in and didn't know how to tell you. He isn't here because I ran away, because I couldn't just grow up and deal with out relationship problems like an adult-"

"I should've stopped being immature and just took care our relationship seriously. Then maybe you wouldn't have left to get away. In a perfect world it could've been all avoided, but it's not. You didn't pull the trigger and neither did I. Our son is dead and we have to move forward from there. He's in a much better place."

It was quite in the room except for the mild hum from the machines in the room.

Both of them waiting for one to speak.

Ramsey wiped her nose with the back of her right hand as she watched the slow rising sun before her.

"I hated you once... Just like you hated me."

Aubrey frowned. "Why is that?"

"Because you got something to take your mind off of what happened after the first baby."

"What did you mean?"

"When you got that text from Sergio about Amir... It felt worse than being shot. We had just gotten back together and you... Dealing with the first baby I uh, I was so mad and jealous when you found out you had a little person just like you, a son... Breathing and walking... Needing you. I just lost our baby and then someone hands you another one. I wanted to have a second chance like that. But I was happy for you... I just... I couldn't help but to hate you a little. Here I was mourning and there you were hugging your son for the fist time... I can't even lie. I envied you."

Audrey's heart ached. He had no idea she felt that way.

"I got to watch how happy you were for the first time in months with Amir. And I stood back with nothing. It's selfish I know. I wanted you to ask me how I felt in that moment. I wanted you to tell me that everything was gonna be okay an-and that we could try again. You didn't, how could you ask if you didn't know I was feeling that way?"

Aubrey wiped his own tears away and tried to get his words together. Trying to find something to say that could comfort her. "That's not selfish. I didn't think about how you felt and I'm sorry. I was to busy trying to hurry up and build my relationship with Amir to forget about my problems going on at home. I'm sorry I neglected you when you needed me the most. I'm sorry I should've just took everything one step at a time and made sure you were good. I could've figure things out with Jade to work out the kinks involving Amir later. Things could've went way better."

"Don't apologize for wanting to be with your son. He's more important than I am. I was just jealous that's all."

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"Why would I? I didn't want to add my negative into the positive. You should've seen your face when you looked at Amir. I hadn't seen you that happy in a long time. So I left it alone. I just had to swallow how I was feeling and let you be happy. I wasn't gonna take that away from you. We had been through way to much drama at that point. A conversation like this wasn't needed at a time like that. You already had a lot on your plate with Jade and your mom; and I didn't want to be the reason that upsetted you any further."

"I'm sorry." A genuine tone filled his voice. "I didn't realize how much that affected you. I should've asked you if your were okay. Any other woman who would've found out I had anther kid somewhere would've left me, but you didn't. You stuck by me when I needed you the most. But who was there for you? I should've been." He kissed her shoulder softly as he rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. "I'll never be able to forgive myself for the way I treated you. All I'm asking is for you to forgive me. You don't have to forgive me now, tomorrow, or thirty years from now. But as long as you do one day I can live with that. I'm sorry for saying the baby wasn't mine, I'm sorry for everything I've done. You deserve much, much, much better. I just ask you just take me back- as a friend. I wanna be in my daughters life and do things right this time." Her heart fluttered when he said that. "I'm gonna treat you better this time Ramsey." She remained silent.

Ramsey sat up to look over at him. His face just as drenched in tears as hers was.

"I forgive you, I forgave you a long time ago. I just ask that you forgive me too."

He sat up too. "I forgive you." Aubrey couldn't help but to kiss her. At first she was caught off guard but quickly joined in.

Ramsey pulled away as a shooting pain came shooting through her back.

"Oh God, oh God."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm having a contraction." Aubrey grabbed her hand for her to squeeze.

"Do you want me to call a nurse or something?"

She shook her head quickly. "No. It just has to pass." The pain came a lot longer this time and even after the contraction their was lingering pain left in her hips. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to squeeze your hand so hard."

"You're fine." He held her close as the realization the baby was coming any minute now hit him. "I'm right here with you. I'm not gonna leave you this time." Aubrey rubbed her belly gently as he moved her hair from her face. "I'm not going anywhere."

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