Disremembered (Fourtris story)

Chapter 30: Changing Feelings and Attitudes

Chapter 30: Changing Feelings and Attitudes

*Tobias POV*

I am exhausted, which is unusual as I work nights, and I am used to being awake all night long. This time it is different, I tossed and turned in my bed for hours last night. I just can't stop thinking about Tris. Tris and Luke Clark. I don't even know how I got here. How did she go from just being someone that was a stranger to me, I will even use the word burden as I felt the need to worry about her safety and then her feelings...to me feeling like something inside of me died at the thought of her being with someone else?

The worst part, my mind keeps going back to the brief time last evening when we felt so connected. I found myself feeling relieved when she was willing to walk with me to get food. I have sensed her recent tension with me, so I wanted to be a gentleman and offer her an out – that is why I offered to just buy her dinner. So she wouldn't have to leave the table...with me. She surprised me – and I was glad for it.

As I was walking behind her, it took every ounce of my self-control not to touch her. When I had a reason, I took it. As we were walking past other tables and I saw a woman was going to get up and possibly whack Tris with her chair – I put my hand on her side to guide her out of the way. I had to control myself from using both hands. My heart skipped a beat at the feel of her in my hand. But I also know I have no right to be touching her in any way, not yet at least. So I forced myself to pull away

Once we were walking around and talking, I felt a connection with her that was so strong. I could barely take my eyes off of her. When she wasn't looking at me, I kept looking at her lips and remembering how she kissed me when I saving her from the hospital.

When she told me the story about the Erudite drink...I found myself hanging on her every word. Before when people would tell me about my past, I could sense their desperation – to make me into someone I no longer am. Not yesterday with Tris. She was just sharing a part of herself with me, and I couldn't get enough. It felt so natural to take her hand in mine, I loved how it made me feel. I wanted to believe she was feeling something too.

Things went downhill so fast when I had the drama of Zeke and Nita to deal with, distracting me just momentarily from Tris. The moment I saw Nita in the cafeteria I knew instantly that I would again be right in the middle of the tug of war between my two good friends... who hate each other. I will never minimize how Zeke feels, but we all make mistakes in life. Nita is my friend, and even more importantly she is on my rehabilitation team – I owe everything to them. I still remember stumbling through the halls of the bureau the first day and having no idea what to do or even what to think.

With Nita's help I am my own person again. I feel indebted to her, and I will not turn my back on our friendship. Nor am I willing to lose Zeke or his friendship. Zeke who likes to push me until I bend – especially when it comes to me and Tris.

Tris completely shut down on me. It was as if a light switch had been turned off and she was suddenly gone. I kept looking at her – hoping for just one smile or one glance that would feel like a connection again. But she gave me nothing.

The moment Luke Clark swooped in, things went even further downhill. I have to be honest with myself about the feelings I had – pure jealousy. I could not even stand the sight of him, his voice even irritated me. The way he looked at Tris. I can go on and on. Just thinking about him, I have that knot in my stomach.

The thought of them training together and then having a "celebration" lunch makes my head hurt.

I know what I need to do.