What happens when one lover forgets, while the other is desperate for them to remember. True love lasts forever. But what if it doesn't? Tris survives the shooting in Allegiant - only to return and learn that the Tobias she knows and loves - did...
I walk through the halls of the bureau, flipping my new work badge between my fingers. It has been almost two months since I was impacted by the memory serum. I have been allowed to stay at the bureau and I recently accepted a position on the security team, they feel my aptitude for computers will be an asset to the department. I started training last week, they seemed pleased with me. As the lowest one on the totem pole, I have gotten the night shift of camera surveillance, but there is a lot of room for advancement. Whatever, it is a job. A job that pays me well enough to afford an actual apartment of my own here as I start my new normal.
Over the last few weeks I have slowly been getting to know people from my past that still have their memories. Working on relationships – as rehabilitation teaches us, learning about our past, BUT then moving forward with our new future.
Well, everyone except Christina. What a ball buster she is. Thankfully we have reached a truce that works for me. She will be civil, cordial even...sometimes, depending on her mood, when we are in a group setting.
She came to see me one time alone, not that long after our initial disastrous meeting. By that point, I had learned about "Tris" from Zeke.
I think about the two photos of Tris I have tucked away now. Remembering how Christina's hands trembled slightly as she handed them to me before she slipped out. I let her talk, I listened. At some level I understood what she was saying – it was hard for me to hear about this whole other life, feelings, love...and the grief.
She did tell me about stopping me the first time I wanted to take the memory serum, and then what the following two weeks were like. What could I say to her? At the end, she told me she was disappointed that I was not the person she thought I was. And she reminded me how much Tris would have hated this. I just nodded my head, not knowing what else to say or even to feel. I also didn't want to provoke Christina's wrath. She gave me an actual headache the last time she got mouthy with me.
Do I owe people an apology for something I did, before I was the man I am today? Maybe I do? Beatrice/Tris Prior, I hear that name a lot now as I meet with friends from my past. I have gotten really good at making a sad, yet thoughtful facial expression. I know I should feel something about her, but I don't. I guess that was my end goal. Mission accomplished.
I am entering my new apartment by this point, rushing to get lunch set up in time. I am not fully unpacked – but it is getting there. As I am clearing books off my kitchen table the one holding the photos with Tris falls to the floor. I pick up the two images – one is a picture of Tris and me in an embrace, the second of her alone. I can tell by the quality of the photo and the background scenery that they were pictures in the bureau taken from the surveillance cameras.
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She was pretty, anyone could see that. But I felt nothing more than that. A couple of times I've looked at the picture of us embracing in the atrium – I try to imagine what I was feeling in that moment. Every time I have tried, I would think of something different. Because the reality is – I have absolutely no idea what I felt.
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As I am about to put the pictures back in the book, the oven timer goes off, my enchiladas are ready! Nita better appreciate my efforts. I smile when I think about her. She has become a good friend. She likes to remind me she was assigned to me, and is therefore obligated to be kind to me – but I know she is just teasing.
Right as I am pulling the baking dish from the oven I hear her familiar knock – "One sec Nita!" I holler while rushing over to let her in. I wait until her chair has cleared the door way before making a mad dash into my kitchen, hoping I have not burned my counters with the hot dish I had quickly set down.
"Wow. Where did you get these pictures of Tris from?" Nita calls out to me from the dining area. I instantly realize I didn't put the photos away before running into the kitchen. I turn the corner and look at her, she is looking intently at both pictures and then she looks up at me and raises her eye brows curiously.
"Yeah, when Christina came over to give me the our-friendship-is-over talk she gave them to me. I mean – I know it is part of my past but I just don't know..." I feel myself unable to articulate what I am trying to say to Nita.
I hate this feeling, not understanding myself, it makes me feel anxious in my own skin. I slowly breathe in through my nose, and then slowly out through my mouth.
"Tobias. I know I am here for a lunch as a friend, but I can see this is upsetting you. You have our team – we want to help you succeed here. All of you that were impacted by the serum-"I interrupt her, feeling the blood rush to my face.
My voice raises slightly, but I can't stop it "That is the point Nita! I am not some victim of a serum release error. I have to believe that I, well the old me, CHOOSE this for myself. I mean – what does that even feel like...to be so in love with someone that I would rather throw 18 years of life experience away, then to deal of a life without her?! Shit – I didn't even know myself – but I am even disappointed with me! It's pathetic."
Nita drops the pictures on the table I notice in the corner of my eye that they actually end up on the floor. She rolls her chair closer to me and grabs my hand firmly. "I wish I had answers for you. But I don't, the team doesn't, no one ever will Tobias. I think you need to concentrate on moving forward and enjoy the life you have ahead of you right now." I smile at her, knowing she is right.
She smiles warmly, I can see excitement in her eyes, "I have some exciting news I've been wanting to share with you as well..." She gently rubs her thumb along my hand. I smile and encourage her to continue.
"Aside from all of my time I spend with the Memory Rehabilitation projects, I have been part of a different study, as a participant. I haven't told ANYONE yet, because – well, I just wanted sure if it could work for me." She looks embarrassed.
"Nita? The suspense is killing me, spill!" I joke.
She explains the experimental study that may be able to help to walk again. And it will be a long road, but after some recent breakthroughs – she is starting to believe it could work for her. I watch her face and she talks animatedly, she really is so pretty. Her black eyes drilling into mine, and she doesn't even know it. The color reminding me of the beautiful darkness of a raven.
As Nita finishes, I smile at her and give her hand one last squeeze before dropping it. I remind her that my masterpiece of a meal is getting cold, so time to eat! As we enjoy our meal, and talk about the next phase of testing I have signed up for – as I have also agreed to continue to work with the bureau science division in order to monitor the long term effects of the serum – and examine what traits from my past have remained.
I am also doing it as a personal favor for Nita, it is a small way for me to thank her for all she has done. And I have to admit – I like the prospect of knowing I will still get to see her regularly.
