Forever Now

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Kryzstofer’s POV

The emotional response that had erupted within me, startled the day light out of me, something I’d never experienced before. It terrified, confused and amused me greatly.  The idea that I would be the one, and possibly only, angel to ever feel what a human feels was extremely humours. I could now feel, with every pore of my body, what it was to be human. I was human- the only angel to ever be reverted back to human status. Not even fallen angels were really cut off from divinity like I was at the moment.

Mikaela had her arms around me, her fingers gently caressed my now human skin, and her warm breath hit my chest as she exhaled or said phrases that were, in a human, used to elicit a calming behaviour. But I was only human in body, my mind, although raddled and a bit off, was still very much that of an angel leaving her words to be nothing more than that- just words. Her warm body pressed against mine as it was, was in itself eliciting an emotional response that I was unaccustomed to, that of arousal.

I took a deep breath and tried, in all honesty, to meditate and remove my mind from its body that now acted as a prison. I listened and concentrated to my heart beat, Mikaela’s heart beat and that of Hixak who was in the other room, one ear in my room, the other listening for Hadrian’s return. I expected Hadrian to return but only after Hixak’s ear grew tired of waiting for the words they had exchanged were that of anger and Hadrian, being as logical as he was, would take them literally not as a spur of the moment nor the emotional response to the stress Hixak was feeling. The stress he felt because of me.

Feeling my breath hitch, I tried to return to my meditating. But when Mikaela, now somehow snoring softly, placed her leg upon my thigh in what I could only call cuddling, my mind froze. I stared at her leg and imagined my hands caressing her soft skin -her palpable, silky skin- the skin that, as it was now, would feel like a warm temple waiting to be touched and explored. I shook my head and took a shaky breath, how did human deal with this on a daily basis?

I had to give male human credit; they dealt within better than I. But being human for almost a week was nothing compared to being born with these needs and wants and having to live with them for a lifetime. Normally, if angel felt any sort of arousal, they would be sent to temple, after being discharged from duties, where they would meditate and kept under a strict watch. The temple was seen, as it was outside the Now and into the Outer City, as a quarantine zone meant only for lost souls. Inside, if meditation did not work, angel were shown the story – the real life accounts as told by our council – of the massacre that occurs when angels, whose emotions run deep, were overcome by the very emotions that made our world.  As illogical as that sounded, it worked. But that wouldn’t help someone like me, someone human. So, I settled for the most logical choice: waking her up and making her move for her sake as much as mine.

“Mikaela... wake up,” I said pushing her a bit as so wake her up. “Mikaela? Get up.”

She stirred but other than that remained asleep. I tried again, shaking her slightly, but her groan and tightening of her hold around me told me she was not going to wake up soon. I sighed with annoyance, not at her but at myself for being this emotionally compromised. Something that annoyed me further because, well, because being emotionally compromised was not good and totally my fault. Had I seen Alec’s sly smile or twinkling eyes, as I do know, I would’ve known something was off. Or perhaps the way he changed his tune so suddenly could’ve told me something but instead, overcome with jealousy and worry, I had neglected to assess what was happening and let this occur. I would never, not in my lifetime, forgive myself for what Mikaela, Hixak and Hadrian had to deal with. It was my burden to bear and they shouldn’t have gotten involved.

Slowly, I pushed Mikaela away, her hold on my body tightening a bit before letting go. I sighed in relief and stood. I had no idea where I wanted to go, had no place to go, but my body felt like moving. I heard a commotion outside the room and took that as a go ahead to leave. Leaving out the front door was a no so I opted for the next best thing, the window. Perhaps not the next best thing but close enough.

I open the window slowly; making sure it didn’t make a noise, and look back at the sleeping Mikaela. She would never know, or not until Hixak came in to check on me. I turned back to my task of getting out, putting one foot out into the ledge and pushing myself of the flat with my other leg. I almost had it when a loud inhale stopped me. I turned and looked at the awakened Mikaela.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked still groggy. “Where are you going?”

“I-“ I pulled my foot back in and, defeated, closed the window. “I don’t know. I just- I just needed to get out of here and since the traditional way is out... well the window was-“

“The window?” she asked practically yelling as she stood up. “You were going to jump down to the concrete five floors down and expect to walk away Scot-free?”

“Who’s scot?” I asked confused. “I’m confused by your human saying.”

“My-my human saying? You mean our human saying, don’t you?”

“I-“ For the second time she had me stuttering. “Yes, of course. Our human saying, the one I don’t understand, Mikaela, because I am not human. Do you understand that? I’m not human, even if my body is, I am not.”

“I would at least expect you to try to be human. Its not like you’re stuck with someone you hate. Last time I checked you wanted nothing more than to be together.”

“Yes, I did. But I also told you we couldn’t happen, Mikaela.” I sigh and lean back against the wall. My body slides down to the floor as a throbbing pain emerges in the back of my skull. Great, I think, a migraine!

“Look Mikaela,” I start, “I know I said I wanted to be with you for ever but you have to understand that that was just a-a trick. Yes, a trick to get you to be a reaper. You are a reaper and I am your Guardian that is all. Any feelings that we might have are unnatural and, frankly, wrong.

“We cannot be together. We’d be condemned and prosecuted. You would be killed, and I exiled or worse, sent to spent eternity here on Earth,” I finish the lie, not quite looking at her. The floor looked pretty interesting right about now but I could feel her eyes on me and, reluctantly, I looked up at her.

“Well don’t spare my feelings or anything,” she replied softly. “I just- I thought- I mean all this time and you just wanted another minion? I don’t believe you. Are you this invested in all your reapers? Or am I lucky enough to dominate all your untruthful affection?”

I knew she would be on the verge of tears, I could see them now in her beautiful eyes, but what else could I say to her? That I loved her with all my heart and feared that, if I wasn’t restored back, I would die and she would have to loose me. That I feared for her life after my death, if it came to that. That I loved her beyond belief that right here, right now, it hurt to be in her presence in such a condition.

Of course not! What would her response be? We’ll figure this out together, most likely, a response that would break my heart further because I knew, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, that an answer, if there was one, would come at a price. A price that I fear would be too steep to pay. I couldn’t watch her risk her life for me; I couldn’t bear to see her suffer because of me.

So I turned to her, hands clenched at my sides, face perfectly blank and said, “You are nothing but my charge and, perhaps in some sick twisted game, my concubine but not my lover, not my anything. I apologize for leading you one so.”

** So... I know i said this was going to be a long chapter because i am going on haitus for  a bit... but i changed my mind. I ended up, like i said, changing POV's and when i got to Mikaela's part i got really bored. So i split it so i could make her part far better than it is now without having the need to go back to change Kryzstofer's bit.

*I think i might have gone a bit Vulcan (used emotional response too much?) on Kryzstofer, what do you think?