Paradise City.

Chapter 10: Mother May I?

Chapter 10: Mother May I?

December 10.

¬Peasnie¬

I found it hard to open my eyes that morning; I knew it was morning by the fact that I barely got any sleep that night. I didn’t go to sleep until after midnight but I could tell it was still fairly early in the morning and everyone is still asleep. My dreams were filled with terrifying things. I dreamed that Phil and I were getting married but just as we were about to seal the deal he left me standing there while everyone laughed at me. I guess that’s my biggest fear, he’ll realize he can do better than me and then leave me there looking like an idiot. I mean he’s amazing, he really is and he can do so much better than me. I’m just the drummer’s daughter. I’m always going to be in the shadow of my dad and that’s exhausting. Kier and Alfie can be anything they want because they’re not like him, I am. I’ve spent the last eighteen years living in his shadow.

The mere thoughts made me toss and turn under the quilts that weighed down my bed. The heaviness in my chest forced my legs to recoil into my chest and my back to slump over so I was in a tight ball on my bed. Thoughtless tears cascaded cross my face and my breathing became heavier and quicker. I love my dad, I truly do but I don’t wanna be him. I wanna be me. I need to do something that he’s never done before.

The thought made my eyes open so I was staring at my wall. I could see the grey light of dawn skimming the pale yellow wall in front of me. The sound of my clock on my night stand ticking away was loud against my ears as I stared at the wall, nothing filling my head, sadly nothing wasn’t filling my head. My weak and tired body pulled itself up from the bed, my feet touching the surprisingly cold wooded floors. I looked over to see Phil sleeping in the bed behind me peacefully. I moved towards my door like a zombie under mind control. I had put on my blue sweat shirt so now I wore a pair of old sweat pants and a Jack Daniel’s tee shirt under a blue sweat shirt and a pair of leopard print slippers.

I carefully walked over to the kitchen, passing Dan’s room. He was soundly sleeping in his bed, I had checked on him like I do every morning. It was just a natural reaction for me, I would always check on Alfie or Kier back in California so it only makes sense to me that I check on Phil and then Dan before I go and start my day. It’s also a mothering instinct that I have. Make sure everyone is okay, especially since that night my dad almost died. It’s become a habit.

The flat was dark since it was just before eight o’clock but the grey sun light came in through the curtains. The kitchen was cool and greyly lit up but still shadowed. I flipped on the kettle and tried to calm my mind down; it was racing after that dream. I know I just needed to distract myself from it so that’s why I’m making a cup of tea and then going to check my messages. Then I’ll get down to that idea that I had. It’s a perfect idea that he hasn’t done yet, I mean he’s pretty much everywhere I go expect he hasn’t done this. I know he won’t because he doesn’t have the patience to do it.

Since Sunday I’ve gone through so much again, not just the issues with family and work but Monday night I was walking home from the shops and I was attacked, this guy forced himself of me. I was basically raped in the back alley. It was traumatizing. I haven’t told anybody about it because I don’t want people to look at me differently. I’m still me, I still go to the shops daily and stuff but I’m a little more nervous.

¬Phil¬

It’s been a couple days since the engagement party and since Peasnie’s dad and Uncles left. She wasn’t down in the dumps like she was last time but she was a little sad. Peasnie’s Uncles came over for dinner on the first of December which was a Monday, we were engaged by Thursday which was the fourth and today is the tenth so today is Wednesday.