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Crushes. (Poem & Rant)

9 Jan 2016
Welcome to the Black Parade
- My Chemical Romance

Crushes.

They suck.
Don't do it to yourself.
It's a mistake you can't erase.
And as you get older, they get worse.
I'm telling you from experience:
They're a failed experiment.
They hurt.
Just don't do it.
Seriously,
They're too much work.

...

I haven't had a real crush on a real person in my life in such a long time. It's been years since I've looked at a person and felt my stomach swimming because of them. I don't know what came over me recently but all of those untouched emotions are pouring out of me all of the sudden. The things haven't allowed myself to feel since the last person who hurt me are full fledge and I haven't the slightest idea how to deal with it all.

As you can tell from the poem above, I'm not the best with dealing with my feelings. Out of my head and off the page I'm a train wreck. I don't know how to connect emotion in the real world. I freeze out of fear, over think, and place very high doubt on myself because I've never experienced the good that comes with this type of situation. Nothing good has ever come out of me liking anyone, that's for sure. I wish I could have the romances that I write about; I want to feel more than just butterflies someday.

Even though I want to feel more, I'm afraid to let anyone in. The scars of my past matched with the insecurities I have and my overall lack of confidence make it very hard for me to let myself be free. It's easier for me to be a caged bird; it's easier to keep to myself than to spread my wings and fly. No matter how much I want to do exactly that, I know I won't. I want to give my crush a try but I'm too scared to allow it. Every part of me wishes to be brave yet I still manage to get in my own way.

Crushes suck. The one I have now probably being the most heartwrenching one yet. It sucks to feel so hopeful about something and yet so unsure at the same time. Honestly, I just want to make this person mine.

Open Response (OR): I have no idea what I should do about these feelings. Does anyone have any advice?