~I'm so sorry I haven't posted. I got my phone took and then I just didn't feel like writing because so much was happening, but I'm back and expect another update soon. I hope you like it.~
"Can we go ahead and plan the funeral?" Jai asked as he sat on the end of the bed.
"I guess, the sooner it happens the better it we'll be."
"I'll start with the tombstone, hand me that note pad." Jai said as he pointed to the cash express note pad.(For anyone who doesn't know what cash express is a place where you borrow money and they hand out free pens and note pads to EVERYONE.) I leaned over to my bed side table and got the note pad and pen that was laying next to it. As he drew I planned out the funeral. I still didn't see how he could sleep and eat knowing his baby died, but I guess everyone handles things differently. The only thing keeping me sane at this point is the medicine that the nurse gives me at night. I'm guess it's for sleeping, but it doesn't help with that. It just keeps me from having a panic attacks every two seconds.
"I'm almost done." Jai said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I figured which funeral home we would be at and which graveyard while Jai was finishing.
"Done." He said, as he handed it to me.(Shown above) I was amazed at it. The angel wings, quote and the name was beautiful.
"Matthew Anthony Peter." I said with a smile.
"Yeah well see Matthew is one of my middle names. Anthony is one of Luke's and Peter is Beau's middle name." He explained.
"I love it." I said, as I began to cry. Jai engulfed me in a hug.
"Please don't cry."'he whispered.
"I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about how he never got to feel our love, how he'll never get to take his first steps, fall off his bike, kiss a girl for the first time, get into arguments with us and storm out of the house, pay for his own car, have his own dreams to follow..." Jai cut me off as he let go of me.
"Stop! I can't take it. You're so sad on what we lost and not happy for what we have. We could've lost both of them."
"Are you saying that I don't love my own baby as much as my other one?" I said with anger.
"That's not how I..."
"Get out! I don't care how you meant it. I know what I heard and now I see how you're dealing with this so well. You act as if he never existed in the first place."
"That's not true. If I thought about him all the time I would go insane."
"How the fuck do you think I feel?"
"Ok fine I understand, but if you don't start eating and sleeping you're going to get sick."
"I don't care at this point."
"But I care." He said, as he kissed me.
"I'll be fine, don't worry." I said as I broke our kiss.
