Chapter Seven: Shut Down

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         “So what is it, what’s wrong?” I asked worriedly as Dr. Deaton ran the ultrasound instrument over my grapefruit-sized stomach. Derek had rushed me to the vet’s office the minute we’d realized the baby might be in danger, and now I could barely breathe for I was terrified that something awful had happened to my unborn child.

“I’m…I’m so sorry to tell you, but it looks like there is blood clotting around the uterus and I can’t seem to locate a pulse or a heartbeat for the baby,” he said gently, removing the scanner and patting me softly on the arm. “I’m really sorry.”

“W-what does that mean?” I cried, tears welling up in my eyes. From the moment Derek had woken me up in a panic, I’d known. I’d known that somehow, no matter how unfair it might be, my baby was…dead. But I needed to hear him say it.

“By no fault of your own, you had a delayed miscarriage. That means that the baby died while inside of you, but has not yet been removed. Since you were only twelve and a half weeks along, you will just experience heavier periods and cramping. Again, I’m so very sorry Christina.”

“Our baby’s dead?” I heard Derek whisper from beside me, but I didn’t even look at him.

“Okay, thank you Dr. Deaton. Sorry to trouble you,” I said rigidly, pulling my shirt down and sliding off the hospital bed that Derek had had installed in the back room of the veterinary. For whatever reason, I wasn’t sad at all, just…empty. Derek immediately wrapped his arm around me and pressed his lips onto my forehead, trying to comfort me even though it wasn’t necessary.

“Chris, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” he mumbled, resting his face in my hair as we walked to the black Camaro. I think he expected me to burst into tears, or at least hug him, but I didn’t. Instead I sat stonily beside him the whole way home, not saying a word or even moving a muscle. I couldn’t; it was like everything that I’d lived for, every reason I’d woken up in the morning and gotten out of bed was just swept away, right out from underneath me. When we walked through the front door, Erica and Isaac were there, clamoring to find out what the verdict was. I saw Derek shake his head once, solemnly, and then Erica just broke down. She flung herself into my arms, her whole body quaking violently with each sob.

“Oh my god, Chris, I’m so sorry! I just can’t imagine…I mean, the baby’s gone? W-why did this have to happen? Why? Haven’t we lost enough already?” Erica howled, clutching onto my shoulders for dear life. Slowly and carefully, I detached myself from her wet embrace and turned to climb the stairs routinely. I could feel everybody’s eyes following me, but I didn’t look back. Instead I walked into my room, closed the door, and locked it.

And then something in me just cracked.

“I HATE YOU!” I shrieked, rage bursting out of me in a fiery inferno of fury. I let out another gut-wrenching scream, and turned to punch the wall as hard as I could. My fist barely even dented the plaster, but the skin across my knuckles broke and blood began to drip down my wrist. Without giving it a second thought, I charged across the room and kicked the pearly white crib, channeling all my anger into that hit. It flew back into the wall and the wood began to splinter, shards spraying everywhere. I knelt down and bashed the crib into pieces with my bare hands, hitting the rails until they were nothing but wood chips underneath me. Then I smashed the base with fast, furious, unrelenting blows. My tightly balled up fists were now bloody and broken, with as many splinters as a cactus. But I didn’t stop until I felt somebody’s impossibly strong arms wrapping around my torso, pulling me away from the severely damaged shell of a crib. It was Derek of course, and my rage was no match for his supernatural strength. Finally I yielded, and just turned to wrap my arms around his neck and clutch onto him tightly. I didn’t even realize I’d been crying until he wiped the tears from my angry red cheeks, and then I began to sob. Painful, all-encompassing, wracking sobs that shook me to my core and made my heart physically ache. I felt like somebody had reached into my chest and violently ripped my insides out.

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