The Light Behind Your Eyes (Adopted by Gerard Way)

Hold On Till May

Violet's POV

It's been about 2 weeks since Gerard and Lindsey adopted me and I feel pretty damn awesome. Here people actually understand me. I feel like I can do anything without being judged of ridiculed. And that's a pretty good feeling.

Staying clean had been a bit of a struggle at first, but that was because I was scared and didn't trust anyone.  But I'm getting better now.  I hid my pocketknives in a corner of closet and keep the scars covered at all times.  If I don't look at the blade, then I don't want to cut as much.  Same goes for the scars.  If I'm not reminded of them, then I'm less likely to want to reopen them.  I'm almost a week and a half clean.

I've also been riding pretty much every day. The barn is within walking distance, but Gerard usually comes to watch though. I think he likes watching me ride. I've been riding a lesson horse names Picasso. He's a 15 hand (A/N In the horse world one "hand" is 4 inches. So he's is 60 inches, or 5 feet, from the bottom of the hoof to the top of the shoulder. The pic above is Picasso) black paint horse. But the thing that's special about Picasso is his scars. His former owner abused him, so he has visible scars on his knees and shoulder. And that's why I love him. We've both suffered. My lesson instructor Abigail says I have a real gift for riding. I cantered in my last lesson Abigail says I should start jumping in a month or so.

I've also had a lot of "bonding time" with Frank and Mikey. Frank took me shoe shopping ("Violet, here's today's life lesson from Uncle Frank: You can never have too many shoes. So go fucking crazy. I don't care how much it costs. If you like it, put it in the cart." And that is why I now have exactly 31 pairs of shoes.) and Mikey gave me some guitar lessons. I'm a pretty slow learner, but he did teach me some of the chords for Therapy by All Time Low.

But there's still one thing I need to do.

I tiptoed downstairs, it's about 10:30 at night. Gerard was down in his studio and Lindsey was doing the laundry. I snuck past Lindsey and went down to the studio.

"Hello there sunshine," Gerard said. He looked a little surprised to see me, "What are you doing up?"

"Um, can we talk for a bit? In my room?" I asked him.

"Of course." He said and we went upstairs.

We sat down on my bed.

"So, what was it you wanted to talk about?" Gerard asked me.

I took a deep breath. It was time for me to do this. "First off, I'm so glad you adopted me," I said, "My life has become 5 thousand times better and I'm so grateful for that. I just feel like I haven't exactly been open about my past and I want to change that." Alright, this is it. "So I'm going take off the bracelets."

I hate looking at my scars. They're so ugly. I sometimes get really mad at myself because of them. Now I can't do any activities that involve taking my bracelets off, otherwise people stare at me like a freak. That really pisses me off.

The bracelets were off and were now in a small mountain on my pillow. 4 two inch long horrible scars ran vertically on each wrist. "Here they are." I said quietly.

Gerard ran his fingers gently over my left wrist. "How did that happen?" He asked me. Shit. I knew that was coming.

"So, it was maybe a year ago and I had a really bad day. I remember I was having a panic attack and it was like 3 in the morning and I went to the bathroom, I didn't have a roommate at that time so it was just me, and I was crying really heavily and my hands wouldn't stop shaking and the world was spinning around me. Then I dragged the razor across my skin and I think I blacked out after that because the next thing I remember is waking up in the nurse's office with bandages on my wrists." I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye, "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Gerard wrapped me in a tight hug. It was then the tears really started coming. I sobbed into his chest and he held me tight.

"Don't be sorry, Violet," I heard Gerard say, "There is nothing to apologize for. Having scars on your wrists won't make us love you any less."

That just made me cry harder. No one had ever told me they loved me. I told myself I was unlovable for so long I started to believe it.

"Violet, I battled depression too," Gerard was saying, "I dealt with it as a kid and an adult. I was even close to suicide a few times. But I survived. And you will too. I promise."

I pulled myself out of his embrace. "There's something I want to give you," I said and handed him one of my pocketknives, the other one was safely hidden in my closet, "Here's my pocketknife. I don't need it anymore." I said.

Gerard's POV

I held Violet's pocketknife in my hand. I can't believe such a beautiful girl would think she needed to hurt herself. I gave Violet one last hug.

"Sunshine, I'm so glad we could talk about this. I want you to get some sleep, okay?" I gave her a kiss on the top of the head, "I love you, Violet."

"I love you too." She whispered back.

I went downstairs where Lindsey was folding laundry. I put the pocketknife on the table. "Uh, Gerard, what's that?" Lindsey asked me.

"It's Violet's blade." I said.

"Violet's blade?"

"Yeah."

"Did you take it from her?" Lindsey asked me. I shook my head, "No, she gave it to me. We had a talk. She showed me her scars."

Lindsey smiled, "Gerard, she trusts you. Isn't that great?"

"Yes," I said, "But-but she's only 12. She shouldn't even know what cutting is, let alone have scars from it. I just don't want her to relapse."

"She won't," Lindsey said, "Violet is happy here, she's happy with us. She would never ever relapse."

"You sure?"

"100 percent."