"Are you sure that I don't make you nervous when I get closer to you?" he teased me. Each word he said he took a step closer to me. By now my heart was pounding so loudly that I thought he might be able to hear.
Being near him made my thoughts all...
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"Do you still have feelings for him, then?" Sarah, my therapist asked me with her usual calm self. I nodded. "Then why are you hesitant in retrying being in a relationship with him?" she asked further, trying her best for me to open up to her.
I fiddled with the hem of my top as I asked instead, "Do you think I should be in a relationship with him?"
She leaned forward before she replied, "It isn't about what I think you should do or not, it's upon you. It is your life and you get to decide what is good for you and what isn't. So tell me, what's stopping you from being with him?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm worried that I might project my insecurities into our relationship and somehow self-sabotage it."
"You broke with him because he lied about his identity and it wasn't because your insecurities got the better of you, correct?" She asked to which I nodded. "Then why are you worried that you would be the reason for the relationship to not work?"
"Because I don't think I deserve him." I scoffed. "He is perfect, everything I ever dreamt about obviously apart from hiding his identity but I think I understand why he did what he did."
She gave me a small smile. "You have so much compassion for someone who lied about who he is yet you have so little compassion and love for yourself. Don't you think it's unfair to yourself? You have been through so much, you lost your parents at such a young age, you spent all your childhood at an orphanage, you lost the only mother figure in your life, and the person whom you loved ended up hiding his real identity from you; you survived so much and yet here you are so kind, compassionate and a good human being despite having such a difficult life. You didn't let those situations dictate and rule your life instead you looked at good things in your life and lived your life to the fullest. Now tell me if you heard someone else go through all of these hardships in their life, wouldn't you be kind to them?" I gave a nod as I felt a sob brewing inside me. "So give yourself the same treatment, be kind to yourself. I know that everyone who knows you would agree that they are so proud of you including your parents and your aunt Anna." As if the last sentence was the catalyst, my tears started to run down my face as I sobbed. I covered my face with my hands and my shoulders shook as I sobbed.
Every small inconvenience, every hardship, every death, every lie that I ever felt and faced; came back with a vengeance as I felt my chest getting heavier and my sobs getting stronger. I could vaguely hear Sarah telling me to let it all out, to feel everything that I had repressed. And that was exactly what I did. I let go of everything that was weighing me down, and every feeling I didn't let myself feel completely. I don't remember how long I was crying but I felt significantly light and completely exhausted. Who knew that crying could someone this exhausted?
