Searching for the Answer

Kratom

In 2019 I was still on Probation so I wasn't smoking any weed at that time. The result is that I would turn to legal highs in the week before school started. One day I was debating going to get some cbd and so I called a dispensary to check if they had anything you could get without a medical card and they responded," Yeah, we have cbd and Kratom, and you don't need a medical card to enter. So shortly after that phone call I headed to the dispensary. When I got there I walked in and asked about CBD but really it hadn't done much for me in the past, I honestly just wanted something to ease stress, anxiety, and provide a source if feeling different; Kratom was my source I would turn to. Aside from CBD I saw on their wall they were selling envelopes of powder called, "Kratom." I asked the employee what Kratom was and she asked about what I would use it for and I replied "just to alleviate boredom." She then explained the different strains they had which are divided by color, and helped me pick out a green for energy boost. At this point I had never even heard of Kratom let alone how you take it, so when the employee showed me the powder I asked her "do you bump it?" referencing do you snort the powder. She said "no, you mix less than a teaspoon with water then drink it. We finished the transaction and I went back to my apartment somewhat excited to try something new. The thing about Kratom is it taste vomit inducing disgusting. So when I mixed a little powder with water in a cup for the first time I as mentioned, I almost vomited but pinched my nose and chugged the glass. Honestly it didn't have any real affect and so I took more, but this time I would put a little water in my mouth, then scoop a regular spoon of powder and drop it into my mouth then with my mouth still open I would get another glass of water to wash it down. This made it to where you weren't tasting the Kratom and it would have the same effect.

Eventually I began dosing higher and higher to where I went from buying one pack for $20 then proceed to two packs for $30 until the height of my use I would buy 10 packs for $90. I literally spent thousands on this stuff. I would go through two packets a day about 3/4ths of a packet as soon as I woke up. Taking this high of a dose would often have terrible side effects, but by the time I got to 2 packs I was already addicted and would take it in higher doses over time regardless. Eventually I would start to vomit at the end of the day given how much I took in the morning and throughout the day if I hadn't vomited already. The thing is again, I was addicted, not mentally, I never really got a high feeling from the Kratom it was just a habit until physical addiction kicked in. If I took too much without water or vomiting I would start to get what they call "The Wobbles." It got to the point where I literally couldn't control my legs to the degree that I was incapable of walking, not even from my bedroom to the bathroom. I would fall over and would have to shakily crawl. Speaking of shaking, during the day I would shake like tremors constantly and my anxiety was tenfold by the time of Fall semester 2020 began

The most fortunate thing happened however. Part of the way through the semester corona virus became a pandemic and a state of emergency was declared in the State as well as the nation. This shifted all classes online and I was able to graduate with a 3.4 because that semester OSU offered all students the ability to switch their gpa affected grades to unaffected and rather pass or fail. This was literally the only way I kept the gpa because I was a low C in economics at that point, I wouldn't have likely passed that class if it hadn't been for Corona. This was primarily because all classes were shifted online, including the test, without proctor. Needless to say average grades in the classes rose from B- to A+ because all students now had the ability to google answers to any test questions. This happened in all of my classes, class average grades went up significantly after classes switched online. A major factor in this was the unpreparedness of the university for a pandemic, but who was? This meant that monitoring systems had yet to be put in place so accordingly everyone in every class googled all the answers to all assignments and tests.

Anyways back to Kratom. The Fall of 2020 classes were partially online and in-person if you had PPE. The first day of class I went in-person and I was on Kratom, I took a dose prior to going to class. What happened was by the time I got to my last class, speech we had to introduce ourselves and I was nervous to where my voice was shaking and I could barely speak about myself. After that day instead of stopping Kratom I switched to strictly online for the remainder of my time at OSU because being in person on Kratom was too anxiety provoking, it made me unable to function. The only real benefit of Kratom is I could take 7 capsules whenever I started having suicidal thoughts and would go to bed with Harry Potter playing in the background. I was able to strictly work on school then when not I was asleep. The only problem this had aside from daily lethargy was how severe the fatigue was in the morning and how hard it was to stay awake. I had an online government class and in the webcam you could see that I could literally barely keep my eyes open for the entire 40 minute class.

One of the worst side effects from Kratom aside from making me unable to function around people was the shakiness. It would make my hands tremble so bad that by the end of the night there were several occasions to where I couldn't get my contacts out or even brush my teeth. When I would go to the shop that sold Kratom I could barely walk and get to the counter normally due to my gait being strained from anxiety. The last time this happened to me was whenever I was prescribed and taking Strattera, but I'll get to that in a later time.

The thing is Kratom allowed me to do class assignments without the anxiety so I would do my assignments then take 8 and go to sleep until the next day where I would continue my school work, waking up late afternoon then repeat. Without Kratom to break the barrier of resistance and allowing me to sleep off my negative thoughts there is no chance I would have graduated from OSU, that combined with Corona, and the assistance of my sister through finances and counseling.

Eventually when I had some time off from school I tried to stop. I went through hellish withdrawals and relapsed after 4 days. In those days it was torture. I didn't sleep the entire time, and I couldn't simply sit still or lay in bed. Honestly I needed medical detox, but tried on my own and failed. It was just too painful, anxiety provoking, and discomfort I couldn't take it anymore. At this point I accepted I would be taking this regularly indefinitely and worried about if I was sent to jail or the hospital and couldn't get my hourly dose it would be worse than hell.

After I moved to my apartment at Lakeview I tried a second time to quit, and was successful. I spent the first three to four days unable to get comfortable at all. It sounds strange unless you have experienced it, but I would get into bed and would just thrash back and forth. Eventually by the 5th day the thrashing wasn't so bad, I still hadn't had any sleep at all in any of this time period which wasn't too problematic I wasn't hallucinating or anything. On day 5 after the thrashing came my stomach became the main source of pain and discomfort. I wasn't eating and I would have that feeling where you are vomiting and it is so uncomfortable, but after you vomit it subsides. Well with Kratom that feeling never subsides to where the only thing I could do was lay on my living room couch moaning and shaking back and forth in agony.

The next few weeks the withdraw shifted from acute to post-acute withdrawal syndrome to where I wasn't vomiting and could get comfortable, but there was no point in being awake because nothing gave me any joy. At this point I'm over a year clean about 550 days at the writing of this and I will never take that poison again.

I think one of the worst parts about the plant is the people who choose to sell it. They are knowingly providing an addictive substance that almost ruined my life and I'm sure many others. They comment on how popular it is and they can't keep stock. This is primarily the mental addiction with most, for myself it was physical. I believe I am wired a bit different in that I don't really enjoy opioids or painkillers because they have no effect on me. Others probably have taken Kratom and been greeted with joy and productivity, I was taking it just to get through the day and not be uncomfortable.