Finding Mr. Knight (DDLB) | ✔️

34.

A bit of a shorter one for today.
Let's just say it's the calm before the storm. ;)

Noah
____________________________

It's been a few days since we've arrived in Louisana. We got here in the early hours of Monday, and it's now Thursday. Up until yesterday evening, I was stuck in little space.

It was so relieving and freeing not having to think about anything from the real world. If I felt I had the choice, I'd have stayed little even longer. Not that I can really control it though. . . Sometimes it just happens, and out of nowhere it goes away. I never really understand it.

Since returning to my regular self, I just feel kind of empty. Everyone has been pushing me to talk and do things with them, but I just don't feel like it. Not since I came back last night.

I didn't feel like eating, even after Alek was practically begging me to. I couldn't. I didn't feel like I had an appetite. Every time I close my eyes I see them. My parents. Their heads. The blood.

The thought of it made me feel sick

For the third time today, I ran out of bed and into the bathroom. I collapsed at the toilet and dry heaved until it stopped. There was nothing in my stomach, therefore nothing to come up. It just made my throat burn really bad.

I sat there and cried, wishing my mind could bring me back to little space, and of course when I need it the most, it's not working.

I don't know if my mind and body are too physically tired, or what. All I know is I can't deal with it. I don't want to deal with it. With this pain.

All I want right now is my Daddy, but at the same time I just want to be left alone.

I curled up on the bathroom floor, wrapped in the blankie Fox got for me. I cried and cried until nothing more came out. It felt like I ran out of tears. I don't even know if that's possible.

All I know is I've never been so sad in my entire life.

My heart aches worse than anything I thought possible. Nothing even feels real anymore. This stuff doesn't happen. Especially not to the boy who's life revolved around staying home and working at Daisy's.

I want things to go back to normal. I want to go back to our first date at the bar. The night me and my Daddy shared our first kiss. My first kiss. I just want to relive that moment on repeat for the rest of my life.

I love the way Alek makes me feel now. My feelings are even stronger somehow. I just miss that day because everything was so stress free. I dream that one day we can get back to that point. I just don't know if that's possible anymore.

I want to worry about what I'm going to wear on our date, or what I'm going to have for dinner. . . Not all of our lives getting threatened.

As I laid there, I let the thoughts of our first kiss encompass me. The way his soft lips felt against mine. . . The perfect, rainy day. It was such a hypnotizing feeling thinking about it. Even through my sadness, it made me smile.

I heard the bathroom door creak open, but I didn't bother looking up. All I wanted was to stay buried in my daydream of the best day I've ever had. I didn't want it to disappear because then my thoughts will be brought back to my parents.