restart// 5SOS

45

Alyssa

"So it's messed up,"

"It requires a surgery, I'm going to restore some function with basically a little ball to replace the damaged part of your shoulder,"

"You're stealing my shoulder,"

"I'm building you a new one. It'll work great,"

"Can it be after my birthday?"

"It is scheduled for next week, but I don't want you to be worried all week because we will look after you and help with your anxiety,"

"Okay,"

"No med students, and lots of painkillers and anxiety medicine. There will be a bed for your dad too, or your Auntie, or anyone you want to stay,"

"What about men?"

"There is one super nice male doctor that I work with who has night shifts to make sure you're doing good. He's my best friend,"

"How long do I have to stay?"

"Two or three nights probably. You can have visitors, maybe bring things from home,"

"But will my bone even heal?"

"It should, your bone density test came back normal, and your blood work is all improving compared to when you stayed in hospital last time. Lots of lifestyle factors can make your bones more or less strong,"

"Dad I wanna go home. I wanna get Axel and I wanna go home. Please,"

"We're done now anyway. Thank you for being so patient, Alyssa. You did really well today!"

"I wanna go,"

"Thank you," dad said, shaking her hand, "Let's go pumpkin,"

We had spent almost all day there waiting for tests, so it was time to pick Axel up by the time we got to the car. I was so relieved to be out of the hospital I broke down into tears again, and I wondered f dad thought all I ever did was cry, and if he was ashamed of me.

"We can't have you all upset all week ay? Are you gonna be okay?"

"I don't know,"

"I can stay with you until they make you feel all sleepy, and then I will be by your side the entire time you are awake until we get back home. I know it's a difficult place,"

"You have so much patience,"

"Ohhh you haven't even tested it yet, don't worry," he said, "You have a really physical reaction to that situation and there is no point getting angry, you need your people to have your back,"

"Thank you,"

"Do you feel a bit better now?"

"No,"

"Oh,"

"If I run away what happens?"

"Please do not run away, I would have to tell the police,"

"I hate everything,"

"I know it doesn't feel like it but you are going to be okay with this surgery. In fact you will hopefully feel better," he said.

"I hate everything,"

"Let's go out to eat tonight. We can dress up, maybe we can invite some friends, yours or mine. You need to feel good,"

"I don't wanna,"

"Yes you do, you'll have lots of fun,"

"I hate everything,"

"Alyssa, sweetheart, stop this for a second. You have a good few days coming up and I don't want that ruined! Your surgery isn't happening right now, and worrying about it all these days before isn't going to change anything about the surgery day,"

I looked at him in silence and sniffled, wiping my eyes. He looked stern, but he had a softness in his eyes that was always there.

"You are allowed to be worried, and I want you to talk to me about it, but I don't want that to consume your whole day because that's going to ruin your birthday, and all of that fun," he said quietly.

"It's not that easy,"

"I know, I really do and I am sorry for saying it like it's easy, but it's what you should try to do. I will help you, we can keep busy,"

"I love you,"

"I love you too, pumpkin. I love you so much, and I always have your back,"

"Today has been so crap. I feel so crap. I don't wanna do this all anymore, I just wanna stay at home forever and sleep forever,"

"Let's have a couple of hours where we just accept it is crap, then see if we can all get dressed up nicely and go to eat,"

I nodded, and hugged my blanket to my chin, sinking into the seat as we drove to get Axel. We were a bit early, so we waited in the car park, then he got in the back and leant through the middle, frowning at me.

"What happened?"

"Crappy day,"

"She needs surgery on her shoulder next week," dad said.

"That fucking bitch. I'm gonna find him,"

"Axel,"

"No! He hurt my sister!"

"It's being dealt with, violence really is not the answer,"

"It is if my sister is hurt,"

"No it isn't, bud. Take a deep breath, she is gonna be okay, she needs your love, not your anger,"

"Fuck this,"

"Axel, dude, cut it out, and take a deep breath,"

"He's scared," I mumbled, "Just take us home,"

"Alyssa is gonna be okay, I'm gonna stay with her and you can stay with one of our friends, whoever you'd like,"

"He hurt her,"

"I know bud, but it is being handled. Fighting is going to make it more complicated and carry this all on longer than we need it to,"

"Shut the fuck up this is my sister who has been hurt,"

"Axel, I recognise that and I know it is frustrating and upsetting, because I feel like that too, but no swearing or fighting is going to change what is happening, nor made Alyssa feel any better about it,"

"I'm fine, Ax," I said, "We're gonna chill at home then go for a nice meal. I'm not ruining my birthday,"

"Why don't you fucking care?"

"Why don't you fucking stop saying fucking? We have a dad now, I don't need you to go round punching people for me anymore. Don't be mean to dad, he is being a very good dad," I said, turning back to face him, "I have to get surgery regardless of whether you beat the crap out of Cooper today, and I would prefer you to be able to visit, not be behind bars,"

For a while, he just stared at me, breathing heavily, then he slumped back in his seat and folded his arm.

"Sorry, dad,"

"We will talk later,"

We drove back in silence, then I went to my room and shut Axel out, blocking my door. I wasn't mad, for this was how we always did things, but I couldn't handle any questions or remarks right now.

He went on about dad, how he loved having a dad, but he didn't like when dad was my dad sometimes. Not the sharing part, but that he was no longer the only person I confided in and let protect me. I actually preferred to have dad be my protector because he was an adult and he knew more than us. Some things I would still only ever tell Axel, and no one could ever replace him, but lately I was finding it easier to fit Ashton into my heart alongside Axel. I loved watching Axel and Ashton become close, because I knew he had always wanted a dad, but he clearly found watching me and Ashton get closer more difficult.

I didn't blame him.
But I did just wish my brother- my best friend in the whole world- would let me be happy with how our dad looked after me.