restart// 5SOS

41

Alyssa

I couldn't sleep.

I kept replaying today over and over and over.

It was making me really upset, plus my shoulder was absolutely killing me.

Axel still had school tomorrow so I felt too bad to wake him up, so instead I went to Ashton, waking up him.

"Dad, I can't sleep,"

"What's up?" he mumbled, his voice really raspy. Now I felt bad anyway.

"My shoulder hurts and I can't sleep,"

"What time is it?"

"3am,"

"I'll get you some more medicine, make yourself comfy,"

I got into his bed and waited, then he brought me tablets and water, and sat with me as I took them.

"You're safe here,"

"Do you have anything else to help my shoulder?"

"I have some cold patches that might help, then we'll bundle you up,"

"Yeah,"

He got them out from the bathroom and carefully put one on my shoulder, then I cuddled up to him and shut my eyes, wrapping my arm around his.

"Ashton?"

"Mhm?"

"Are you going to sleep?"

"I am... unless you need to talk?"

"The police really scared me today,"

"Hopefully you won't have to talk to them anymore,"

"They came to our house a lot and Axel and I had to hide so that they wouldn't take us away. I wish we hadn't hidden, and stayed there for so long. I know I said they were good to us but I am starting to think they weren't that much,"

"You and Axel are so brave. I know it's probably really difficult to think about some things from your past, but thank you for telling me and helping me understand a bit more,"

"At the time I thought they loved me and really cared about us. I believed it,"

"I know you did pumpkin,"

"Maybe they did. I don't know. It's really confusing,"

"Perhaps we can separate it into two different times. At the time you felt loved, and they looked after you in the way you expected from those particular people. Now you are experiencing here, which is a new home with new people and new love, and you can still acknowledge that you were kept somewhat safe beforehand,"

"But I don't believe that anymore and that's why it's scary,"

"Okay," he said, gently brushing his thumb on my cheek which calmed me down, "It is okay to realise you weren't treated well. In the moment sometimes you don't realise, only outsiders do,"

"We had to hide and people hurt us and their friends made inappropriate comments about us both. It wasn't good,"

"No, that doesn't sound like a good environment. I am really glad you're here now, I really, really enjoy looking after you both and making sure you feel okay. I am really proud of you for getting through it all,"

"I feel like I can relax here," I said, "And I feel silly having my chart but it helps me,"

"Good, it can be hard to do things when you feel like shit. I think you should get some sleep now,"

"Okay, yeah. Sorry,"

"You don't need to apologise, but you need lots of rest after today,"

I nodded and got comfy, the medicine making me feel drowsy anyway. Best of all, I felt safe, so I didn't have to think twice about sleeping anymore.

In the morning, he let me have a lie in, and woke me up with breakfast in bed. One thing I appreciated about Ashton was the thought he put into everything, because all my food was all cut up so that I only needed a fork. He sat with me as I ate with his mug of coffee, and read a magazine about brains and stuff (thankfully in his head).

"Dad, please can I have more medicine?"

"Of course, let me get you a new cold patch too. Did it help?"

"A bit,"

"Here, it'll make you a bit drowsy but that's okay, we have time to rest. We'll stay in bed,"

"Is Axel at school?"

"He is, June picked him up,"

"I hope he is okay. What if something happens? What if Matt gets mad?"

"The school will be on the extra lookout, and I expect your friends will all be sticking together. They'll be just fine,"

"Can you put my hair out my face?"

He grabbed a bobble from my wrist and tied it back, then took my empty plate from me and helped me get comfy again. I was in a lot of pain, and it probably showed on my face based on how much he started fussing over me.

I ended up falling asleep for a bit, but then I woke up again and I felt no better, so dad put a film on for us. Personally I wasn't in the mood, but I watched it anyway since there was nothing better to do.

This was the worst. Not being able to do things and being trapped made me really anxious, and it was easy to tell Axel I felt like that because that was how we communicated. I was fine telling Ashton I was happy or sad but anxious was a complicated feeling. It made loads of parts of my body feel weird, it wasn't easy to control.

Then I thought about it all too long and started hyperventilating, so he knew anyway.

"What's wrong? Does your chest hurt?" he asked, feeling my neck, "Did he hit you in the chest?"

"No,"

I covered my face and turned my head away, trying to calm myself down, but it was no use. Going back to having very little independence, even if it was only for a few days, was not okay. Hurting me wasn't the worst thing Cooper had done, it was everything that came with it.

"You're okay, I'm gonna help you out until you feel better,"

"I don't want your help," I shouted.

"Sometimes we need help even if we don't want it,"

"I don't want it for real,"

"I'm sorry you can't do everything you want to do right now, and that I have to help do some things, but if I don't help, you might get even more injured,"

I stayed silent for a few minutes getting my breathing back to normal, then I put my arm down on the pillow and stared at the wall opposite which was full of art.

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That I am mad I can't do things on my own,"

"I just knew. It's my magic power,"

"I hate being stuck with other people waiting on me,"

"A lot of people do, but I am your dad, so I'm not waiting on you, I'm looking after you because I am not happy until you are,"

"Then bad news for you, you'll probably be miserable forever,"