Here to Stay | (Elizabeth Olsen's Daughter)

Chapter 28

⚠️ TW: self harm depiction/thoughts - skip Alexis's POV ⚠️

Word count: 2394

Alexis's POV

I'm not sure if it's possible to fuck up worse than I already have. I don't even know why I said that. I don't feel that way. I was...well, I was frustrated I guess. And angry and sad and probably borderline depressed.

I know that I was so mean. I deserve it now. Earlier I just wanted it but now I need to feel the pain. Something to numb the feeling in my heart. I didn't want to be mean but it just fell out. I want to take it back but I also think I deserve to sit in this shitty feeling. I deserve to feel hurt and pain but I didn't mean to hurt Mom too. I didn't want to drag her down also.

I left my room drowning out the sobs that came from my mom's room. I wanted to go to her room and ask her to help me but I don't deserve that after how I acted. I felt guilty but I push that feeling away in search of my craving.

I can't find any of the kitchen knives. How the heck did she make dinner if she didn't use any of her knives? There's a locked cabinet where she keeps her alcohol but I don't remember her getting into it earlier.

I searched my bathroom next for anything sharp but Mom must've cleaned it out this afternoon before dinner. I was getting desperate when I remembered that I have a pencil sharpener in my backpack. I've removed the blade from one before so it shouldn't be hard.

It was hard but I managed to get it out successfully. I double-checked that Mom was still in her bedroom before shutting my own door. She removed the lock recently I'm not sure how. I sat on the floor by the side of my bed facing away from the door as I let my thoughts consume me.

I traced the blade against my leg. Same spot as always. I thought about everything that has happened this past year. I used to spend every day being told how terrible, unloved, and unwanted I was. They'd tell me I was unloved if I acted out so I started to believe that I needed to comply to be loved. I didn't want to comply all the time but I wanted to be good and be loved. But maybe I was just pretending because in all honesty most days I feel like no one likes me. I feel like an outsider who's forever been unwanted and unloved. That girl at school, Julia used to whisper horrible things to me like that. Maybe she's right? Everyone seems to believe her.

I'm not even sure why I'm still here. I don't serve any purpose for the world. I'm not helping anyone or doing any big moral deed. I just cause Lizzie, more problems. She probably hates me too now.

If she didn't earlier, she definitely does now. I said some really hurtful things. All because she called me little missy, that isn't even that bad. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does. But the memory burns in my head. The moment that forever took away my innocence. Their hands on me and my own muffled screams echo in my mind.

I lashed out and now I have to bathe in the consequences. I guess I deserve my fate. A loveless and short life sounds right for the orphan who never had a real, permanent home. I don't deserve to have Lizzie be my mom. She's so nice and everyone loves her and thinks she's cool and I'm just me. And if Julia's right my birth mom died because she didn't want me anymore, then what will Lizzie do?

I'm not enough, I'll never be enough. Josh made sure of that I'll always be damaged goods. Scared of the light because it couldn't possibly be for me.

Why do I ruin everything?

——

Time ticked by slowly but once I felt satisfied I pulled on some sweatpants after drying up the evidence. I carefully ducked my head outside my bedroom. Mom's room was quiet but I wasn't sure where she was and I definitely wasn't in the mood to admit to her what just happened. She'll probably hate me even more. I know she'll hate me but I needed the sweet release. I needed to feel it. And maybe if she hates me it'll be easier to watch her walk out?