Chasing Wesia

Wakas

She’s more than enough

I slowly swim myself to never reach the end of the pool with the only given amount of time. I can hear my name from their mouths, shouting my name, telling me to go faster but I didn't do it.


Huling paligsahan ito ng regional. Sa mga naunang minuto ay nangunguna ang paglangoy ko palayo sa mga kalaban. But I don't want to win this time. I don't want to represent the whole country, be far away from this place, be busy all the time. Be far away from her. Bandang huli ay kasama ako sa listahan ng talo.


I smirked and bowed my head for the last time before entering the locker room where showers were also located. Tamad kong kinalkal ang mga gamit ko. I took off my goggles that was on my head, finding myself a chair. Nang maka upo ay binuksan ko nang mabilisan ang phone ko. I cursed myself looking at some updates from her account. They went on a date.


"Okay ka lang pare?" Tinampal ng winner ang balikat ko. I smirked at him and nod. Naramdaman ko naman ang bigat nito sa likod. Tss. He's hugging me.


"Libre kita ngayon. Saan mo gusto?"

"Nah. I want to go home."


"Para makapambabae?" Natatawang tanong nito. I nod. I need to. Before I could do something else.


"Okay. Sige. Basta, tawagan mo lang ako kung kailan mo gusto magpalibre." Anito. Jeremiah won because I let him. I told him to win the race. Marami kaming kalaban pero sa kanya ako tiwala. He also deserves it.


After rinsing myself, I changed into new clothes. Dumiretso ako ng van na siyang nagsundo sa akin. Ito rin ang maghahatid sa akin pauwi. I don't want here. I want to go home. Near her.


Pagod akong ipinahinga ang batok sa backrest ng kinauupuan. I closed my eyes for a moment thinking of her. I saw her smiling face. Her laugh. Pero bigla ring pumasok sa isip ko ang imahe niya sa aking utak na umiiyak, mahina, habang nasasaktan.


That is why I need to make sure I'm with her, always. The fuck, I don't even know why I always wanted to make sure she's fine. She has a boyfriend already but her being in love with Renz doesn't make sense. Alam ko kung bakit ganoon. Alam ko kung saan ito papatungo.


Sa nagdaang mga taon ay naroon ako sa kanyang tabi. The Fajardo family took care of me when my parents left me so they can work and manage our business abroad. And, that was the first time I saw Wesia. Sa paglaki namin ay nakita ko ang totoong siya. Ang pagiging mahiyain niya, ang kagustuhan niyang laging mapag isa. She always hides herself in her comfort zone, her room.


For me, she was just like an egg. A fragile to hold. Kahit na hawakan, kailangan maingat dahil baka kapag hinigpitan ay mababasag pa rin. I want to hold her that tight, keep her from everyone that will surely hurt her. But I know that if I'll keep doing that, baka isipin niyang nagiging mahigpit ako sa kanya kahit na wala akong karapatan iyon.


So, I let her do the things she wants as we both grew up. She explore, had friends, and, try things she's curious at. Do things she never did before. Pero hindi ko siya nabantayan sa bagay na hindi niya alam na sasaktan siya pagdating ng panahon.


"You like Wesia!" Renzo almost spit so he can just rub that fact on my face. "'Diba? Alam ko, dahil palagi kang andiyan para bantayan siya!"


Iyon ang katotohanang napansin niya 3 years ago. Hindi ko siya maintindihan. I guess, he's just really hurt of what happened. For what Caroline did to him. She cheated on him and later on offer herself for me.


Hindi ako naging handa sa ginawa nito. Nalaman ko na lang na nagapply siya sa gallery ni Kevin so he could be part of it. So he could be closer enough with Wesia. Malinis itong nagpakilala sa kanya at sa pamilya nito. Bagay na hindi ko na maibibigay pa dahil marumi ang tingin nila sa akin. Womanizer, a fucker! Nagsimula ang lahat ng mga iyon nang simulan ni Renzo ang paglapit kay Wesia. At dahil nakikita kong masaya siya, womanizing is my way to at least calm myself bago ko pa siya mabasag nang husto.


For all those years, I have tried looking for someone else. Who can entertain me enough so I can forget that woman! Na sa tuwing malalaman kong masaya siya kay Renzo ay parang pinupokpok ang puso ko. Not because I am hurt. But because of the truth I want her to know.


But Wesia's now different. Hindi na siya tulad noon na laging tahimik at mag isa. Ayokong sabihin sa kanya ang totoo dahil baka masira ko ang kasiyahang meron siya ngayon. She's better now. At kung may magagawa man ako para hindi siya masira at masaktan, ay siguraduhin na totoo na rin ang ipinapakita ni Renzo.


"Love him with all your heart." I said. Tinapon ko ang sigarilyo at tinapakan ito.


"Mukhang hindi ka naman nasasaktan sa ginagawa ko." Natatawang sambit nito. Tiim panga akong nilingon siya sa gilid ko.


"Ano pang gusto mong gawin ko?"


"Magpatalo ka sa lahat ng kompetisyon. The soccer one. Make me win this time."


"Deal." Mariin kong sinabi. Iniwan ko siya doon with a heavy heart. Goddammit! It's my pleasure to loose to every competition so I can just make sure he would never hurt her.


Gusto kong ako ang gagawa ng mga ganoon pero alam kong ayaw rin sa akin ni Wesia kaya hindi nalang. She doesn't like me being around.


For the next days, I didn't attend to any practices. Alam kong ikakatuwa niya iyon. Alam ko rin naman na kapag na sa field na ako ay makikita ko lang si Wesia doon, cheering for her love.


Oo at ibinigay ko ang buong oras at ang spotlight para kay Renzo. He practiced a lot that he almost forgot his responsibilities with Wesia. May mga pagkakataon na hindi na macontact si Renzo. That made me mad. Hindi dapat ganito!


After some weeks of that, I just heard, they broke up.


Para akong salamin na nahulog sa pinakamataas na lamesa at nabasag. Nagkanda pira-piraso at mahirap nang buuin pa. I saw and knew how Wesia loved him so much. Pagkatapos ay maririnig kong nakipag hiwalay si Renzo sa kanya?


"What did you do?" I gave him a punch on the face. "Nag usap tayo. I gave up everything! Every competition! And ruin my name even more for being a fucker para iyon ang paniwalaan niya. Now what?"


Hinila ko siya sa kwelyo. Parang sasakit ang ulo ko sa mga ginagawa niya ngayon. I was waiting for him to say a thing or two about breaking my love, Wesia. But he was just there, unmoving. Never want to say a thing. Kahit ilang beses ko siyang binigyan ng pasa at sugat sa mukha ay hindi na talaga ito nagsalita.


"I'll tell her soon that I just used her." Iyon lang ang sinabi nito ay hinang-hinang naglakad palayo.


I know already what will going to happen to Wesia for this break up drama. She'll probably experience hell. I know the feeling. Coz I've been in that situation for years now hangganga ngayon.


Seeing her failing her grades is like a myth. Nangyari pero parang ang hirap paniwalaan. Hindi ganito ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya!


I feel like a real guardian watching her every move from a far and it's already annoying! Alam kong ayaw na ayaw nito sa akin lalo pa't kapag malapit na ako. I don't even know why she's hating me even before they become couple with Renz. Hindi pa naman ako babaero noon!


So even if she doesn't want me around, I'll be around. Matagal na akong humahabol sa kanya pero naramdaman kong malapit ko na siyang mahuli nang dumating ang mga araw na pumapayag na ito sa mga offer ko sa kanya. And that is to date me within seven days.


I can buy a wide lottery when finally she agreed on it. Para akong tanga na hindi mapakali sa isang tabi. Mas napadalas ang pagkikita namin dahil ako rin ang tutor niya. And to mentioned, she’s dating me na parang impossible para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung ilang santo ang dapat kong dasalan. I can even thank everyone because of what happened.


For those seven days, I realized, if I'm too eager to make her safe always from anyone or anything that would hurt her, bakit hindi na lang ako? Alam kong dati pa man ay gusto ko na siyang alagaan sa paraang gusto ko. In a way she'll be happy and contented, and to never let her feel lost because I am always there, be her direction, be her navigator. But I know how coward I am to never do that. Because the only thing I can think is to grant whatever she wants. Whatever she wished at isa na doon ang kagustuhan niya noon na lumayo ako sa kanya dahil ayaw niya akong nakikita. Ayaw niya akong nangenge alam sa buhay niya at dahil iyon ang gusto niya ay lagi kong pinagbibigyan. But right now, I've made up my mind. I just don't want myself watching her in the arms of another of man. This time, I want to hold her, own her, and, make her feel safe in my own arms.


Kaya naman sa pagpayag nito sa seven days agreement, naging ingat na ingat ako. No women. No cigarettes. Ayokong magkaroon ng dahilan na magagamit niya para layuan ako o para ayawan akong muli.


But I know it will never be enough.


Sa loob ng seven days, she still long for him. Her feelings never fade away. I know It'll never be easy to move on right away and I understand that. Handa ako na hahanap hanapin niya pa rin si Renzo kahit na ako ang kasama niya, but no matter how prepared you are, it will always hurt like it's brand new.


Napakabilis ng seven days. I dreamed to never meet its ending pero hindi naman pwedeng ganon.


"Wala ka sa parking lot kanina." I said very carefully. I don't want to question her. Or, to make her feel na hindi ko gusto ang ginawa niyang hindi pagpapakita sa parking lot. I don't want her to get mad.


"I-Im sorry." She said. She's not looking at me.


"It's okay. Baka nakalimutan mo-"


"No Stone."


Damn it! Wesia, don't tell me the truth. I can pretend na nakalimutan mo 'yon kahit hindi, tatanggapin ko. I don't want you away. Ilang beses akong nagmakaawa sa isip ko pero alam kong hindi iyon maririnig nang kahit na sino. I'm still coward. I'm still afraid to tell her I'm afraid if she'll go away. Baka isipin niyang nagiging mahigpit ko. Ngunit iyon ang bagay na gustong-gusto kong ibigay sa kanya. Ang kalayaan. And let her grow independently. Pero minsan, parang hindi ko na rin nagugustuhan salitang yon. It makes me want to just keep her forever kahit na labag sa kalooban niya 'yon.


Umiling ako. But even if I do that, hindi ako magiging masaya kung hindi siya masaya.


"Hindi na talaga kita hinintay." Aniya.


"I get it." I let out a chuckle. Baka nagkabalikan na sila ni Renzo. Baka mahal niya pa talaga ng ex niya kaya ganito. "You're going back to him."


"No."


"Then something's wrong with me." Iyon na lang. May bagay akong hindi nagawa o hindi niya nagustuhan. Am I too dirty sa paningin niya? Is it because of my history? Iniisip niya bang may babae ako? Fuck it! I want to ask her but looking at me with her pleading eyes that she really wants me to not keep her made me not to talk or say any of my thoughts. Parang tubig na nakabara na lang ang lahat sa aking dibdib.


"Wala, Stone."


She said, she wants to heal without the help of anyone. I gave her the freedom. I can picture myself chasing after her, nahuli ko na siya pero muli siyang nakawala. Ganon ako kahina.


Ngayon pa talaga kung kailan kailangan ko siya. She knew I was not comfortable when my parents are around. I want her to comfort me. Pero wala siya. So I just end up looking for someone else again.


But no matter how much I want to forget her, hindi ko kaya. Madalas nagtataka na rin ako sa sarili ko. It's creepy how I end up visiting her room, peeking her through her window. Sinisiguradong tulog na siya kapag ginagawa ko 'yon. Pero kapag nalaman niyang ganon, it'll make her hate me even more so I stop.


"Hey."


Nilingon ko ang nagsalita. It's Renzo. May hawak itong bagong bili ng soda at ibinigay sa akin ang isa. Malamig pa iyon. It's lunch. Narito kami sa may rooftop.


"Wesia just texted me. Ang sabi ay may gusto itong malaman tungkol sa ex ko." Anito. “Sasabihin ko na sa kanya ang lahat.”


Wesia told me that Renzo already confessed what he did. Siguro ay nagkakamabutihan na silang dalawa. But I never thought of giving up. Baka ngayon niya lang ayaw sa akin. She told me she just need time to heal. Pero kapag nalaman kong nagbalikan sila ni Renz sa kadahilanang mahal talaga nila ang isa't isa at wala nanhlg tinatagong kasinungalingan ay hahayaan ko na sila.


"Come to the park later, near the huge tree of pine."

"At ano naman ang gagawin ko doon?"

"You'll know..."


Naglakad din ito palayo. Pero bago ito tuluyang umalis ay may sinabi pa ito. "I love her, Ash. I'm sorry for everything. I'm now giving up. I know you will always win kahit na ibigay mo pa sa akin ang lahat ng pagkakataon. You're that smarter and strong, at tanggap ko na ‘yon."

Yes! I gave him everything she wants so he can never hurt Wesia! Pero binigo niya ako.


Nang hapon na iyon ay nagtungo nga ako doon but only for me to feel the pain watching them hugging each other. Seriously?


"Nice view." Wika ko para maputol ang pagyayakapan nila. Wesia's cheeks are wet. Ano na naman ang ginawa ng gagong 'to? "You're dating Wesia in this kind of place?"


"We're not. Sakto ang dating mo."


I got confused. "Then what is this? Pinapunta mo ako dito para panoorin kayong magyakapan?"


"Bring this girl somewhere romantic. She's crying because of you."


Me? Kararating ko lang, kasalanan ko agad?


Puno ng pagtataka ang isip ko nang maiwan kami ni Wesia. Tumigil na siya sa pagiyak. What is going on? Hindi pa ba sila?


"Somewhere romantic, huh? At saan naman ang gusto mo?"


Why me? That fucker should be the one who will bring her in that kind of place!


Wesia shook her head. "I just want somewhere very near... You."


Mas lalo akong nalito doon. Kahit na wala siyang sinasabi na kahit ano ay umaasa ako. Fuck! Kailan ba ako titigil?


"What the fuck are you talking about, love?"


She stood up and walk towards me. I can hear my heart beat getting insane. Paglapit niya ay lumuha na naman ito. Gusto kong punasan 'yon. Why is she crying again?


"Please don't stop chasing-mali. I don't even know if you're still into me-"

"I am. So what the hell is going on with you?" There. I said it. I am still into her! "You're confusing me-"


She never let me finish what I am about to say when I felt her lips on mine. Fuck! It was just a quick peck pero sobra-sobra ang dating non sa akin. How can you make me feel like this, Wesia? I've already kissed a lot of girl. They kissed me back but I felt nothing. Itong peck lang na ginawa niya ay pwede ko nang ikahimlay.


This is so cringe of me!


"I like what you did but what was that for?" I lick my lips. I want to taste her lips again.


"Alam mo na 'yon." Parang nahihiyang sabi niya.


I came to understand what does she mean. She don't kiss a man just because she wants it. It will always have a meaning. And she only kiss her boyfriend. Ano ako kung ganoon?


"Enlighten me using the magic words." Lakas loob na sinabi ko.


"I want you, Stone. I love you." She confessed.



I never thought of her falling in love with me. Ako lang ang palaging umaasa at nag iisip ng ganon. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala.


Finally, she's mine. Finally, she love me too.


Natigil ang pagr-reminisce ko sa babaeng bumangga sa akin. Balak ko sanang magtungo sa room nila Wesia.


"Oopss sorry!"


It's Caroline.


Hindi ko ito pinansin at nilagpasan na lang but she followed and gave me a paper bag.


"I'm not taking gifts from you-"


"It's for Wesia. For peace offering. Ako ang kumuha ng mga damit niya."


My eyes narrowed at her. She took it? For what?


"Inis na inis ako sa kanya. But she won now. Wala na akong gagawin diyan." Aniya. She then waive her goodbye and walk away. Ganoon ba talaga sila ni Renzo? They always think of having a competition with someone who they think a loser? Pero bandang huli, ang mga inaapi nila ang nananlo.


She's crazy!


I went straight to their room. sigawan ng mga kaklase ni Wesia ang bumungad. Ugh! Christmas party and their games, again! Ayokong magrekalamo dahil natutuwa si Wesia sa mga napapanood.


"Oh, ang daya oh! Walang sisipa!" Sigaw ng bakla nilang kaklase. Puro tugtog at kain lang sa kabilang room namin. Halos narito lahat ng games.


They're doing that game. Iyong itatali ang talong sa pagitan ng legs ng mga kakalase nilang lalaki at itutulak ang kamatis gamit ang mga ‘to.


I heard Wesia laugh. Medyo malayo ako sa kanya dahil sa tuwing lalapit ako ay alam kong ipaglalayo kami. Palaging ganoon nitong mga nakaraang araw but this time, I sat beside her. Nilingon niya ako. Damn! She's beautiful.


I mouthed her 'hey' and she just lean her head on my shoulder. Ganoon siyang nanonood habang nakikitawa.


We spent the whole day celebrating their Christmas party. Ang iba ay nag aya pang uminom sa labas dahil last day na ito at hindi na ulit magkikita kita. Well, that's true. May mga nag-aya rin sa akin but I declined right away. Wala ring nag aya kay Wesia. Freya is in vacation kaya wala ito. Hindi na rin sumali sa Christmas Party.


"Caroline gave this to me." Ipinakita ko sa kanya ang paper bag. Nang silipin niya ang loob ay nagtaka ito. She took the thing inside. Isa itong maliit na halaman. "She said she was the one who took your things."


Mukhang nagustuhan niya naman ang halaman. She returned it back inside the paper bag and we continue walking.


"I forgive her.." She said. Magaan ang pakiramdam ko. We are not mad to anyone. Even to her ex. "Nagustuhan mo ba siya noon?"


I hide my smile. Is she jealous? "Nope."


Kahit kailan ay hindi ko nagustuhan si Caroline. Maling mali ang ginawa nito kay Renzo noon. Iyon ang naging dahilan kaya hindi ko rin magawang magalit nang matagal sa taong iyon. He did something bad because he was also hurt.


"Maganda naman siya."


"Come on, love." I groaned. Tumawa lang ito at mas naunang naglakad. Sumunod ako agad dito at hinuli ang kanyang kamay saka pinagsiklop ang mga daliri namin. "I love you more than anyone else."


Hindi na siya nagsalita pa. I saw her smile. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kanyang kamay at inangat iyon para mabigyan ng halik sa likod nito.


I will no longer wish anything. Nasa akin na ang lahat. Nasa akin na siya. And that's more than enough.


The end...