STALKER

Chapter 33 - 26th June

Added more to this chapter to finish of the 26th.

The side effects of jumping are manageable these days. The jitters and breathlessness only take a short time to dissipate. What took longer to return to normal on this occasion were my emotions. I knew before this jump that each time I went back; the more contact with John, the more I sampled his life; chopped it up into bits for my enjoyment; the more of him I absorbed. So much so, that as I lay on my bed trying to relax and catch my breath, I felt I'd dragged back all the turmoil of that brief snippet of time. I sensed the emotions, sensations, and memories falling into place in my mind. But, they weren't solely my emotions and thoughts. John's memories run parallel to my own these days. It's like being on both sides of a mirror looking at the other, reflection and reality depend on your perspective.

This jump took its toll on me and I feel physically and emotionally twitchy. All the tension I'd felt confined in that small room with the family, with no script or plan to fall back on, was still making my stomach churn. I didn't fear for my life but I didn't feel safe either. I was strung out the entire time not knowing how to extract myself from the situation. There had been too many things that I didn't take into consideration, which ended up turning what was meant to be a HOOT into a test of my nerve. I had been reckless in my eagerness to get close to John and ingratiate myself by remembering his birthday. I foolishly forget to them I was an stranger, an intruder. I forgot the basic rule of watching someone go about their life, OK stalking, keep your distance.

The fact I couldn't have a cigarette the entire time was torture and I made up for it on my return; one after the other until I ran out and then my chews got pulled out of retirement.

I ground down furiously on a fluro yellow chew as I circled the table trying to shake off the unease that lingered somewhere deep in my chest. Each time I passed THE photograph pinned on my wall I glanced at it. I know the sound of their voices now, Martine's humming, even Martin's whiny laugh. The small piece of cardboard has taken on new meaning and I want to show it more respect. I need to put it in a frame, along side the one of John and Jules. Hang them somewhere nice in the house where the sun can shine on them. I think the grumpy puff of smoke would like that. Note to self... print out all the photos on my phone.

As I write this it's still early Friday morning and even though I woke up an hour ago I feel like I needed another 12 hours of deep, dreamless sleep. Tonight is dinner at Mum's and Dad's and I need to make an appearance. I have to be on my best behaviour and look OK or I'll have mum on my back again.

It's only now that I realise I smell of smoke, it's in my hair and clothes. I sniff the sleeve of my coat and close my eyes. For a moment I'm back there and a bittersweet feeling washes over me. It would be nice just once to have a pleasant conversation with John, even Jules. I'm growing more curious about Jules too. We have encountered each other twice and both times he has been intense and aggressive. When I've seen John and Jules together he's always been on the attack, with scarcely a moment of tenderness.   He's obviously very attractive, charismatic even, a blonde brooding Heathcliff. Maybe that's why John can't keep away. I can understand it, if I was gay I think I might fancy him myself. Not that I'm gay.

......

I'm about to leave to have dinner with the family. I have to put on my happy face even if it's the last thing I feel like doing.   It's been a weird day. I spent it on the phone or napping. At one point I ended up standing in the lounge room  reading the first Chapter of To Kill a Mocking Bird. I hate reading,  probably one of the main reasons I hated Uni, but I enjoyed it. Then I replaced it with Chapter two.