𝐈'𝐝 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐈𝐭 𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐜𝐞

𝑓 𝑖 𝑓 𝑡 𝑦 𝑛 𝑖 𝑛 𝑒

hailey's pov,
january 9th 2022

i never realized how ugly these blue socks are, but they are.

ugly ass socks.

tick, tick, tick..

the clock ticks. i can hear it. it's literally ten feet away from me drilled into the white dusty ass dusty wall.

they need to repaint the wall.

clocks tick and i never realized how irritating that noise really was. it's irritating as fuck.

tick, tick, tick- shut the fuck up.

why do seconds go by fast? why do seconds go by fast and why do clocks tick? what makes me tick?

tick like my tourette's? no, that's the wrong tick.

"that's the wrong tick," i breathe out softly, picking at the bandages across my arm. both of my arms are bandages but these are special kind of bandages. the ones i can use so i don't hurt myself. they take everything i can use to hurt myself.

my hoodie strings, my shoelaces, my shoes, my belt, the trash bag from the trashcan i have in this room..

my room? i miss my room. i miss my actual room. i miss my room but i'm not in my actual room cause i hurt myself.

i'm back in a hospital with people who are sad. people who want to be hurt. i'm not at home cause i hurt myself and why the fuck do i hurt myself?

why do i.. hurt myself? why can't i calm the fuck down?

"hailey, go the fuck to sleep. give the medicine time to kick in. you're freaking me the fuck out." maya mumbles groggily from her spot on her bed. she sleeps on the top bunk. the bunk isn't high. if i were to jump off, i would still be alive. l-o-l, that rhymes.

that rhymes too in a way. call me dr. suess and shit.

my mind moves a lot. usually i'm pretty calm and chill but sometimes i'm not. it's hard to think one thing at once. eric says it makes me do impulsive shit.

i miss my brother. i miss both of my brothers. i miss my mama, my dad, my friends, cassandra..

i miss cassandra so fucking bad. i just wanna kiss her and hug her and all that other shit.

i mumble some things under my breath and i only do that to annoy maya. just because i'm in this depressing program, doesn't mean i can't fuck with people.

highlight of my days is when i be fucking with people. eric says that makes me annoying but i give no fucks...

"holy shit!" maya groans obviously irritated. "hailey, shut up!"

"you shut up!" i look at her and she looks at me like i'm stupid.

"you're mumbling is driving me insane! you do that shit on purpose." she huffs, falling dramatically on her bed. "i just wanna go to sleep."

sometimes i do but sometimes i talk out loud and don't realize that sometimes. "i'm sorry," i mumble, running my hands over my face.

the nurses had gave me tempoary medicine cause i show signs of relapsing into depression, and self harm idealization. the medicine don't make me insane or shit like that, it just effects me weird when i first take it. i just need to chill out. it's hard to do that though.

it's dark and i hate sleeping in the dark.

i hate sleeping anywhere that's not my bed. i sleep in here with two other girls. maya is seventeen and she's bipolar. she not in here because she's bipolar, she's in here because she tried to jump in front of a bus.

i think she's really cool though. she handles her condition well. her disorder isn't fucking her up, she's just sad.

"i don't think I have favorite things anymore." the girl across from me speaks slowly.

i glance at her from my spot against the wall and hug my knees even more closer to my chest than i thought was humanly possible. "you don't have favorite things anymore.." i mumble and she hums, nodding a little.

her and i don't sleep in the beds. they're hard as fuck.

"everything is just exhausting. i'm burnt out and i don't have the capability to favor specific things over other specific things anymore. i can't find joy in things anymore." she explains and i just look at her.

her name is crystal but she prefers cry. i think that's fitting and i like how ironic it is.

she's not getting out anytime soon. that's not a fact but based on her lil statement i hope it's true.

she don't seem well enough to leave yet. no hating shit either, she just don't.

when my breathing starts going all soft, and my thoughts start slowing down, i hum softly to myself because the medicine is finally doing it's job.

after, like, fifteen minutes i feel the change in my thoughts. medication don't always work for me but when it does, i like it.

i can be calm on my on it's just- difficult as fuck to explain, so i'm not finna explain it.

"i love you cry," i mumble and she gives me a weak smile. "you don't even know me." she right.

"but i still love you," i shrug, "i hope you'll be okay."

"i hope you'll be okay." she replies slowly.

"do you guys hope i'll be okay?" maya asks after awhile.

"do you want us to?" cry asks and maya just chuckles a lil. "i just wanna be included."

"okay then i hope you'll be okay."

now she's included.

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A/N: Super bored. Chapter not all that, might delete later🙃.

I ain't ever wrote a hailey pov so i thought I would do it now. She not crazy, she just think too fast. Does that make sense? Like this really doesn't represent how she feels 24/7 but how she feels in the program. I tried to write that the best way I could.

She not always like this, most of the time she chill and calm but she got her moments that I don't really show cause it's not in her point of view. Anyway, hope u like the chapter. The book will return to Cassandra's pov next chapter so yeah.

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