HIS TO HAVE

CHAPTER 25

By the time we arrive in Kroonstad the sun is about to rise. I couldn't sleep the whole way cause I kept thinking about the girl I left behind and what my brothers actually told me about Amahle flirting with some boy. I will have to talk to her so I can know what really happened. I will know if she dare lies to my face. Jacob parks outside my parents old house where no one lives. We step out of the car and usher them to the house.
" What are you going to do to us? " Sakhile's wife asks.
" You can have some food, sleep and there's a bathroom in here. Sfiso will take you to where you will sleep. If you give them any trouble they will know what to do with you "
" We didn't bring any clothes here "
" You will get clothes. We don't want to hurt you. We just want your husband that's all."
" How will you get to him since we didn't take our cellphones? You should...."
" You should shut up and make your children food to eat." I look at sfiso and the other guys. " Make sure they don't try anything stupid."
" Yes boss " They say.
I walk out of the house and get in the car and we drive home. Bishop has been sleeping the whole way and I too want to sleep. The car parks outside and the whole yard is full of unidentified man but we know who they are. They are posed as ordinary people who are here for the funeral but they are actually here to make sure our family is safe.
Bishop and Jacob retire to their rooms and I go to mine. I open the door but it's unlocked. I knock but Amahle doesn't hear me. I take the phone and call her and it rings.
" Hello? "
" I'm outside. Open the door " I hang up and the door opens and I walk in. I walk to the bathroom, take off my clothes and then have a quick shower. After I'm done I walk out and amahle is back sleeping. I get in bed and join her. I pull her close to me, Kiss the back of her head and sleep.
Someone is shaking me roughly waking me up and my eyes fly open. It's Koko. I sit up and pull the duvet close to me.
" Kabelo? "
" Morning Koko "
" You've been sleeping the whole day. Are you okay? " she sits on the side of the bed and I make space for her.
" Whole day? What time is it? "
" 3pm. You never sleep until this late " she looks concerned. I kiss her cheek.
" I was tired. We came back from Durban at 5 am and that's when we slept."
" Hmmm " I take her hand.
" What's wrong? "
" You tell me "
" I'm fine ntombe' ndala. This thing of Phakiso has been stressing us out "
" You do know you can talk to me about anything right? "
" Of course I know that. Have you seen Amahle? "
" She's with your cousins in the house. I brought you some food. I thought you might be hungry "
" What do you think of her? "
" As long as she loves you, respects you and makes you happy that's all that matters. I want all of you to be happy. "
" Koko please...."
" When we went to her brother's funeral I saw a young, respectful beautiful girl. Then she came here and she was still the same."
" But..."
" But her not respecting your home and sleeping out Kabelo is not okay even though she's just your girlfriend. I know you lied yesterday about you telling her it's okay to go with your cousins cause you wanted to protect her so we won't look at her in a different way and that's what a man does for a woman he loves. He stands with her and protects her. We know how your cousins can be but she's a smart young woman. She shouldn't have let them convince her to go cause she can make her own decisions and I did scold your cousins about taking her with them."
" She promised that she wont do it again "
" Do you believe her? "
" Amahle is young and I feel like when she met with my cousin who are her peers. She got reminded that she's still young and maybe hasn't experienced life the way she should. I feel like she might feel like I'm holding her back."
" So you don't believe she's not going to do it again? "
" I know she's going to do something else and it's going to get me mad."
" If she said she's not going to do it again believe her kabelo. You love her akere? "
" I love her koko "
" Does she love you back? "
" She does "
" Does she love you the same way you love her or does she love the idea of being with you? "
" What does that mean? " She sighs. She raises her eyebrow at me then takes the tray of food and gives it to me. I wipe my hands with the dish cloth then eat.
" She lost her parents when she was young then her brother had to step in after their grandmother died and uncle kicked them out. Her brother has been more than just a brother to her. He was her provider, protector and like a father to her. So when he died that shattered her world apart. She knew she didn't have anyone and was alone but then there was you. You came in, fixed everything for her. You care for her, provide and protect her like how her brother did. She might feel safe with you cause she knows she will always be protected no matter what. You closed that space her brother left behind. That's why I am asking you. Does she love you the same way you love her or she loves the idea of being with you. The security and comfort that comes from being with you. Is she woman enough for you my child?." She keeps quiet and studies me. Damn this woman for laying all this on me now.
" Love shouldn't feel safe. Safe is boring and it's for the people who are afraid of taking risks in life and in love and that's not you or any of your brothers. You are go getters. You go after what you want damn the consequences. You wouldn't be where you are if you had always played it safe. You're a smart man Kabelo and whatever decision you make about your life my child. I will always support you no matter what. I just want all my children to be loved and happy no matter who loves and makes them happy okay? "
" Thank you Koko." I put the tray on the side and hug her.
" Let me get off this bed before I catch people's DNA " she says standing up dusting her dress and I laugh.
" I love you too "
" Bring my plates when you're done." She kisses my cheek then leaves my room. I breathe out deeply like I was holding my breath.
The food tastes nice and I finish the whole plate. After taking a quick shower and looking nice, smelling fresh too. I take the plates to the house and leave them on the sink. I see the broom, take it with me to my room. I take the sheets and everything on the bed and take it to the bathroom and put it on the laundry basket. I clean the bathroom then the bedroom and when I'm done I put fresh bedding and dust the whole place.
The whole place smells and looks fresh. I haven't done this in a long time and my grandmother was surprised to seem me doing this but she's the one that taught us to clean after ourselves. I haven't seen Calvin and Amahle anywhere. I wonder where they are cause it's 5 pm now. I sit on the bed and call Amahle. Her phone rings outside the door and she walks in.
" Hey love. Where have you been? " I get up and pull her to my arms and hug her tight.
" I thought you might still be sleeping " I kiss her forehead.
" I was. Koko woke me up. Where have you been? "
" We were baking at your aunts house. We wanted to go to your parents old house but bhuti Mpendulo said we can't go there. What's going on? "
" Nothing you should worry your pretty self with." She frowns and looks at me. " How did you feel after I left? "
" Drank lots of water and a glass of wine too but I promise the elders didn't see me "
" Where did you get the wine? "
" From your cousins " we sit on the bed.
" You like hanging with them right? "
" I do. They are fun " she smiles
" But don't let them force you into doing anything you don't want to do cause you want to score points with them okay? "
" No never. They are cool." ok
" I want us to talk about something and I want you to be completely honest with me "
" Oh.. ok. You sound serious"
" Tell me what happened at my cousins friend's house. Who you were drinking with and what happened "
" Why? "
" Humor me love "
" ok. When we got there their friends were already there drinking. They said it's a farewell goodbye to phakiso then they shared stories about him. I wasn't drunk kabelo. I only drank a few ciders and nothing heavy that's all "
" Was it just you girls or? "
" Their guy friends were also there "
" Did they talk to you, try to flirt with you and ask for your numbers? " She looks at me then looks away and plays with her thumbs. " Amahle? "
" There was this guy he was talking to me that's all."
" And you didn't try to entertain him? "
" I answered his questions kabelo. I didn't want to be rude."
" But you weren't flirting back? "
" No. I wasn't " I sigh.
" Why are you lying to me amahle? "
" Kabelo..."
" I never said you can't talk to other guys. You are a beautiful woman Amahle of course boys are going to try to talk to you and ask for your numbers but what I will not accept is you lying to my face about it."
" I thought you were going to be upset if I told you I was sitting with a guy and we were just talking and laughing. He said things that made me laugh and blush." he made her feel something.
" And I don't make you feel that those things? "
" Kabelo you're always serious, you want things done a certain way. With you it's always rules, rules and more rules and it's too much for me " What?
" Too much how? "
" I feel suffocated like I'm being held down. I feel overwhelmed. It's like your my brother all over again telling me what I can do and what I can't do " Oh my God.
" I'm not your brother Amahle and I don't treat you like my little sister."
" You're worse than my brother kabelo and it's too much for me " I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.
" Why didn't you tell me all this time? "
" A lot happen so fast and I didn't realize this until I was around people my age. I realized that I am missing out on things I should be doing at this stage of my life. I want to experience things and have no regrets "
" I never said you can't do all of that. You can still do all things with me. We can experience them together "
" Kabelo you want me to be this person that I'm not and fit in your world that I never knew existed. You want to control every move I make and if I don't do what you want I get punished for doing what I want to do."
" How would I know what you want when you don't tell me? "
" With you it's either  your way or the high way."
" That's not true amahle. Have I not done what you have asked from me? "
" You first wanted me to be your submissive and when I said no you told me it's either I become one or you kill my brother since he stole from you."
" But you didn't agree right then. You told me you will agree if we do this girlfriend and boyfriend thing and I did. "
" You agreed cause you knew that's the only way you will get what you want. I felt forced like I had no choice but to agree." I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes.
" I forced you? "
" Yes. Even yesterday you left me high and dry cause you were teaching me a lesson. I don't want to feel like that ever again." her answers comes out quick.
" I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean to force you to agree to anything. I'm sorry for hurting you in ways I didn't realize I was doing. This whole relationship thing is new to me. I told you that I have never done it. I have always lived the life I live because that's what I know."
" I don't want to live like that. Always following rules and doing what you say and want." What?
" But you also have a say in how this thing works and for it to work both of us have to be happy "
" I don't want to be your submissive. I don't want to be whipped and tortured like some meat. I'm not happy " she tells me. I look at her and realize she means it. Tortured she says. I take a deep breath in then out.
" What do I need to do to make you happy? "
" Give me space. I want space from us. " My heart feels like it has just shattered.
" Space from us? What does that mean? "
" It means I want to take a break from you. From this relationship we were trying to build." This cannot be happening.
" How long do you want me to give you space? "
" I don't know "
" You don't know so I must what? Fiddle my thumbs and wait for you? " She keeps quiet. " Answer me "
" I don't know until when "
" Are you sure about this? "
" I am." She looks straight in my eyes.
" Do you love me Amahle? Deep down in you do you really love me or you like the idea of being with me? " She takes a huge gulp of air before talking.
" I still resent what you did to me when we first met. You hit me like I was nothing then you tried to drown me in the bathtub. I hate those things you did to me and sometimes those memories would come and I would get so mad at you "
" I thought you forgave me "
" I did but that doesn't mean I forgot." I nod.
" I asked you a question "
" I am learning to love you " she confesses and my heart breaks.
" ok " I nod.
" I know you didn't expect this and I'm sorry "
" Never apologize for how you feel. You spoke your truth and feelings and I respect that "
I get up and go to the bathroom. I splash water on my face then towel dry it. I walk back out and she has her hands under her armpits. Her face is emotionless while I feel like I am still sleeping and having a nightmare.
" So where will you live since you want space? "
" I can find a flat around Pretoria with the money my brother left me "
" I'll get you an apartment around a safe area that you will live in. We are still looking for Belinda so I don't want anything bad to happen to you "
" Thank for understanding " Yeah..... I do understand.
" I love you and I want you to be happy. Take this time and get to do the things you want to do without anyone telling you what to do. Just promise me one thing though "
" What? "
" You will not put your life in danger. You will not do reckless things or be involved in reckless behavior."
" I will not."
" So during this space you need, Do we see other people? " She looks at me shocked.
" uhm no " She shakes her head.
" So what do I do when I'm horny?. Do I come to you and fuck you and you come to me and fuck me too? "
" No we can't be sleeping together cause were taking a break "
" Correction. You're the one taking a break and wanting space away from me. So we fuck other people? "
" No."
" So no fucking each other or anyone else? "
" Yes "
" That will make you happy? "
" Yes it would " She agrees.
" And if it ever happens that you get tempted? What do I do to you? "
" I won't get tempted."
" Are you sure? "
" I am sure. I am not some loose girl Kabelo! "
" Calm down. I was just asking and I'll take your word for it."
" What about you? Will you not get tempted? "
" I am Dom. Temptation is nothing to me."
After few minutes of awkward silence between us and tension in the bedroom she finally speaks.
"so.....I don't know where we go from here " she says sighing.
When I said we must talk I never thought this conversation will end up like this. Her wanting a break. Space from me cause my love for her is too much. Me concerned about her, wanting her safe and yes wanting her to be my sub is too much for her to handle. Amahle doesn't love me the way I love her. She told me she is learning to love me. I have always heard that heartbreaks are the worst things to ever feel and right now. That is what I am feeling. I am shattered cause I never expected this from her. I am so hurt right now.
" I need you to pack your clothes while I go and get Calvin to do the same. You will go back to my house and he'll help you pack the rest of your clothes then by morning the security guys will take you to your new apartment."
" You want me to leave? "
" Amahle you have just told me you want space and that's what I'm giving you. I can't have you around my family when you don't want to be around me. What you told me is very hard for me and I'm trying to process it the best way I can. I respected your decision and now I need you to respect mine."
" I understand "
" I'll go get Calvin "
" Kabelo? " I grip the door hard then look at her
" I need you to stay away from me. Don't contact me or anything. I need total space from you and I don't want your security guys around me monitoring my every move and reporting to you "
" I'll stay away from you." I close the door behind me and stand there for a while collecting my thoughts. She told me to stay away from her. I will but My guys will make sure she's always safe and she wont notice them. I take out my phone and call Calvin.
" Afternoon Sir "
" Hey Calvin. Where are you? "
" In the house sir "
" Come out please " I hang up. He comes out of the looking like he was in my office working.
" Sir? "
" I need you to accompany Amahle back to Pretoria and help her pack all her clothes. You will sleep in the house then in the morning I will send you her new apartment address where she's going to live. After she's done unpacking take her to our office so she can claim the remaining money she hasn't received. I'm sorry you wont be here for the funeral " Calvin looks at me sad. " Don't be sad Calvin. It's what she wants and I'm giving it to her. Go get your clothes."
I walk to where my brothers are. They are talking and laughing.
" Uhm Sfiso take other three guys with you and drive Amahle and Calvin back to Pretoria. The rest Calvin will tell you. Kane where's your car? "
" Take mine " Jacob gives me his keys.
" Kabelo? " Bishop calls my name and I avoid looking at him cause I know if I do i will be the same small boy who used to run to his big brother when he was in trouble or hurt crying my eyes out. I walk back to my room and she has just finished packing her clothes.
" What about your clothes? "
" I'll buy a bag or leave them behind I don't know." She nods. " Are you sure about this Amahle? "
" Kabelo I am sure and I'm not changing my mind "
Calvin walks in and it's very tense.
" The car is ready. They are waiting for you " I tell them
" You'll find me in the car." Calvin takes Amahle's bag and leaves.
" I guess I will see you then " I tell her. She nods.
I told myself I wasn't going to touch her but I find myself pulling her to my arms and hug her tight. I inhale her scent for one last time until I hold her again.
" Goodbye Kabelo " She pulls away from my arms and leaves. Closing the door behind her.
I stand there frozen. In shock. In disbelief. I walk out of the room and watch them getting in the car and they leave. I walk to Jacob's car and get in. I ignore Bishop calling calling my name and I drive to the opposite direction. I need to be alone.