Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter nine

dream's point of view

tw: self harm, panic, signs of eating disorder

My eyes fluttered open and I instantly felt that something was wrong. I just couldn't quite realize what it was due to my fogged up mind.

Carefully, I sat up, wiping the tiredness out of my eyes to prevent myself from falling back asleep. And that was when it hit me.

Next to me, sleeping like a Disney princess, was George, one of my arms still wrapped around him.

Shit shit shit shit.

What did I do?

He had a crush and I had to ruin everything.

Guilt flushed over me as I quickly removed my arm and separated myself from the sleeping beauty right next to me.

I needed to do something. I needed to be punished.

Anxiety rising in my chest, I stumbled out of my room and down the halls, searching for something, anything that could help me out of this state of self-hatred.

My eyes flickered to Sapnap's room, I could hear faint voices, indicating he was talking to someone. According to the voice, it was Karl. I didn't want to bother them, so I headed downstairs.

With shaking hands, I made my way to the kitchen and without hesitation, I grabbed one of the knives before stumbling into the bathroom. I needed to do it.

But I didn't want to.

Sap was so proud of me and I would just ruin everything!

But nonetheless, I needed to. There was no other possibility and I couldn't continue on handling this pain I felt as soon as George walked into the room.

Without rethinking my actions twice, I dug the knive into the fresh skin on my lap. A gentle sob escaped my mouth as I repeated that step.
But before I could do it again, I heard a faint knock on the door.

"Clay? Open the door please" Sapnap's voice sounded from outside, muffled by the wood that was preventing him from seeing the horror inside of the room.

I snapped back into reality when I saw the blood that was scattered around the floor and all over my clothes. Sure, there were only two cuts at that time, but they were significantly deeper than I had ever done it.

"You know I have a key. If you don't open the door, I will come in anyways" he threatened while I was struggling to realize what I had just done. I had ruined everything and for what?

The more I thought about my options, the more I wanted to let Sapnap in. I wanted him to scream at me for doing it again. I wanted him to remind me how much my actions hurt other people. I wanted to feel something asides the numbness and the growing feelings for George.

"Please help" I croaked, my voice only a hoarse mumble. I was sure I heard a quiet "oh fuck" before the door swung open. The fear I could see in Sapnap's eyes made me wanna scream at the top of my lungs, but I knew for a fact that even if I decided to do so, my voice wouldn't allow me.

The door closed again, Sap making sure it was locked before he sat down, not saying one work and starting to clean up the mess I had created.
I just sat there, watching silent tears fall down his cheeks and suddenly felt the urge to do it again. I had hurt him.

My eyes widened and my breath hitched as I saw the knive next to me. No.
"Sap?" I asked, begging for a distraction from my intrusive thoughts that were screaming at me to do it.