Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter thirty nine

dream's pov
tw: intrusive/ suicidal thoughts (whole chapter)

I woke up the next morning, feeling more exhausted than I ever have. My head pounded and my body felt like I had thrown myself off a cliff.

I had no clue wether or not I would ever upload the video I decided to record yesterday. It was unprofessional, rushed and completely stupid. I didn't even know why I decided to do it in the first place...

Trying to get the whole internet thing off my mind, I glanced at George who was still next to me, looking down at our interlocked hands. He seemed deep in thought, his eyebrows furrowed and a weird expression on his face. It took him a couple more minutes until he realized I was awake.

"Hey" he whispered, carefully pressing a kiss onto my forehead before cuddling up with me again. There wasn't a conversation or anything. Just him holding me tightly as if he was scared I would disappear tomorrow.

If I was being honest, he had every reason to. I was scared as well. Yesterday had been rough for all of us, but I didn't tell them what I was exactly thinking about since that breakdown. What had kept me awake most of the time and what was still triggering me in every way possible.

Because I had thought about ending it without rethinking the consequences. And that scared me. The fact that I was unpredictable when my mind was messed up...

"We should get up. Sapnap is waiting for us to eat breakfast with him" George told me after a couple minutes of laying in rather comfortable silence.

I just nodded before pushing myself out of bed, not daring to go into the bathroom and look at my reflection but instead instantly stumbling down the stairs.

Sapnap was in fact sitting at the counter, texting someone until he saw me sit down next to him. "Hey man. How's it going?" He asked and I let out a groggy "alright".

"Here are your meds" he smiled at me before giving me the bottle of pills. I looked at it with big eyes.

You could do it.

You could kill yourself with this.

"Sap I- I don't think I want to", I quickly said, giving him back the bottle with shaking hands. He looked at me confused but seemed to understand what was going on.

"Listen, I trust you that you won't do anything bad with it. And I'm here. I will protect you" he assured, gently placing a hand on my shoulder.

I took a deep breath in before opening the bottle and staring at it. This wasn't right.

"I- don't trust myself though" I whispered as my hands started shaking harder. "It's- I can't". I swallowed hardly to try and not cry again, but it seemed like nothing was going according to plan today.

If you once poke a hole into a bottle, you can't stop the water from flowing out...

"Come here" Sap whispered before pulling me into a tight hug. I knew it was pathetic. God I was ashamed of myself! But i couldn't help it.

I didn't want to leave them, but when I lost control, I couldn't make sure that wouldn't happen anymore.

"You're so strong Clay. I trust you with my whole life and the fact that you don't trust yourself shows that you really don't want it to happen... so what are you afraid of?" He asked and a lump immediately formed in my throat.

There was no way I would tell them about this.
But on the other hand, it would probably be the best. I knew I couldn't handle this on my own, but something kept me from talking about it.