Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter six

dream's point of view

tw: anxiety

I had told Sapnap everything.

Okay, almost everything. He didn't know about my feelings for George.

But I had told him about my current situation which was essentially what he wanted to know.

We still sat in the bathroom, where he'd found me two hours earlier, both lost in our own minds.

I couldn't really tell how I felt actually.

Over all, there was exhaustion, followed by a strangely calming emptiness. It had felt surprisingly good to finally talk about the mess I had carried with me over the past few years. But at the same time I wish I didn't do it.

Pathetic, the little, demonic voice in my head whispered, causing me to beaten close my eyes.
I never wanted to tell anyone in the first place. He just wouldn't stop asking those stupid questions so I gave in, not having the strength to keep my emotions in any longer. I wish I had fucking shut my mouth. Because now we sat here since at least five minutes, neither of us saying a single word. There was no way I hadn't scared him away. He would leave any second...

"Thank you for your trust, Clay", Sap interrupted my thoughts before my mind could light a destructive fire of self-hatred. His voice was calm but also extremely hoarse, which was entirely understandable considering the things he just found out about.

I just shrugged, not being able to speak a single more word. My throat felt like fire, considering the fact that I had never cried that much in my entire life. I had always been the person to hide my emotions as good as I could. Apart from that, I still waited for the point where Sap would get up and leave my house, disgusted from the weak, fragile person I was at the moment. Where he would realize that our whole friendship was a piece of garbage because he had been friends with a useless wreck.

He didn't.

He instead just held me in his arms, breathing shakily.

"I- I'm really sorry, I had no clue, Dream", he whispered while I felt hot tears slowly soaking through my clothes.
I hoped, I had only made this up. I didn't want anyone to cry just because I couldn't keep in my emotions. I wouldn't be able to absorb the fact that I had hurt him.

Look what you did.

"I shouldn't have told you. It's- It's stupid." This was the most miserable apology I had ever heard.

Sapnap abruptly cut off the warm hug, looking straight into my eyes. I felt horrible.

He would leave now. My apology was shit! I ruined his life and he's going to leave me like everyone else would!

"It is not stupid", he replied in a serious and clear tone, not leaving space for contradictions.
I just sat there, not daring to say another word or disturb the silence by moving an inch in case it would cause him to leave.

"You hear me? It's not", Sap continued, his voice had never been that serious.

He's about to leave you! You've upset him...

"I hurt you", I quietly mumbled, unable to look him in the eyes. I was scared of what I would find in them.

Anger? Sadness? Pity?

"You did, yes you did. But that doesn't matter, alright! As long as you promise me that you will try to get better, it doesn't matter", he whispered before pulling me into another hug.