Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter four

sapnap's point of view

tw: mention of depression and self harm
(This is actually a really sad chapter so proceed with caution)

Dream still didn't seem to be convinced to start saying anything. I could practically see the doubts he had, not trusting my previous words.

"Please, Clay. I want to help you but for that I need to know what threatens you so much", I tried to lure him out of the cage of mistrust he had built around himself.

The thought of actually opening up to somebody obviously scared him since his already light skin tone had turned even more pale. Furthermore, I could see his hands cramping together, restless searching for anything to hold on to.

Was he about to slip into another panic attack?

I immediately knew I had to calm him down, regardless if he really started to panic or not.

I reached over and enclosed his hands with mine. The sudden body contact made Clay rise his gaze and I could see the fear in his eyes.

What was he so afraid of? He knew I would never judge him, right?

"Hey, it's okay. You will be fine, I'm here." Clay didn't seem to really grasp what I was saying, causing me to get up and sit down right beside him. "You're okay. You're safe, Clay" I assured, watching him closely.

He was definitely trying to convince himself to talk to me, but some kind of blockade seemed to stop him from doing so. His fingernails were starting to dig marks into his palms, when he finally spoke up. "You wouldn't understand" he whispered, almost too quiet for me to catch what he had said.

I knew it would be hard to get him to talk. If I hadn't come over, he would probably be streaming with George or Tommy, pretending like everything is alright. He was Dream. The guy with the smile. There was no way he would just drop his mask because one of his friends decided to visit him.

It still hurt me, knowing he didn't trust me enough to actually talk about his feelings. But deep down, I knew that he had never told anyone as much as he told me the last couple hours.

"Let me try to. I promise I would never judge you for anything. You're so important to us, and I mean everyone. Me, George, Bad and your 25 million fans. We care about you more than you think" I blurted out. I couldn't handle seeing him like that. His hands were clenched together, still trying to find something to ground him, to bring him back into reality.

His eyes were lowered in shame, not daring to look at me while his eye bags seemed to get darker by the second. He looked like he hadn't slept for too long but at the same time, it seemed like he hadn't done anything but laying in bed for a whole year.

"I sound like I'm attention seeking" he finally said, making eye contact for the first time. Tears were prickling on the corners of his eyes, which themselves seemed to loose their vibrancy. I remember them being bright green, lighting up as Soon as a smile gently brushed over his face. Now they were a grayish green, almost like someone had sucked the life and happiness out of them. "I'm wasting your time, Sap. You could do fun things right now, enjoy your life! But you're stuck with me. And every time I try to talk about... all this" he gestured down himself, "I feel like I'm annoying everyone. I've been able to handle it on my own for years, alright? I can hold on longer. I don't need you to be here".