Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter one

dream's point of view

trigger warning: mention of self harm, panic

The guilt flooded my body as soon as I looked down at my wrists. Fresh, bright red cuts covered my left arm and destroyed the illusion of recovery that I had built up during the last weeks. I thought I had gotten better, but it seemed like I didn't do any progress when it only took a small event like this to bring me back into this state of self hatred.

Looking at the mess I made and the still slightly bleeding marks on my arm, I knew I should clean up in here. But I was too tired and exhausted of everything to actually care. It took me much mental strength to even get up and walk back to my room where I sat back down onto my gaming chair. 

The rational part of my brain told me to call someone and tell them everything or even just distract myself, but I didn't. I didn't want to bother anyone or interrupt them from doing more important things.

Since I had no clue what else to do, I ended up joining the dream SMP server. I played for about two minutes when the sound of my ringing phone interrupted me. Without getting up, I stretched my arm over to my bed and picked it up.

"Hello?", I asked without checking who was calling. I noticed how weird my voice sounded. Almost like it hadn't been used for years.

"Thank god, Dream! Where the fuck have you been?", the caller shouted. I recognized Sapnap's voice immediately. Another wave of guilt rushed though my body as I remembered I hadn't answered any calls or messages the past few days.

"Living, Sap. There are people who don't hang around on minecraft the whole day", I teased him to loosen up the tension between us. I realized it didn't work when Sapnap insisted on his investigation. 

"For two days? Come on, Clay, you're maybe able to fool George, but not me."

The mention of George's name sent a sharp pain through my chest and I knew the conversation was not going to end well. He barely used my real name and when he did, the situation was serious.

"Drop it, Sapnap. I'm fine and you're not my mother.", I complained, trying to push the talk into a joking direction.

"Maybe. But I'm your best friend and I can see that you're not fine. You've been doing this shit for almost a year now, randomly dipping and never actually telling us what's wrong."

Sapnap sounded genuinely worried, which made me really uncomfortable. People never had been caring. I couldn't handle it and I wouldn't drop my well-built facade because one person was different. 

Besides, he probably wouldn't understand. Maybe he would even leave me. Who wants a broken friend?

"You're overreacting. Just because I sometimes have other things in mind it doesn't mean I'm avoiding you guys", I claimed, hoping he would finally let it be.

He didn't.

"This isn't about us. It's about you. We're worried about you, Clay, all of us. Even Tommy called me the other day to check up on you because you were ignoring his messages for at least a week now." 

Fuck. Why did I have to be like that? A simple reply would've solved so many problems.

I wanted to say something but no sound left my mouth. I frantically looked for a chance to change the topic without being too obvious and let my gaze wander around my room. Suddenly being aware of the mess I was living in, I could feel the wood of my desk under my fingers, the fabric of my clothes touching every inch of my body. It made me feel like I couldn't fill my lungs with enough oxygen.