Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter twenty six

dream's point of view
tw: eating disorder, panic attack

"Thank you for your trust, Clay", Dr. Hartfield said in her calm and comforting voice while I desperately avoided her gaze.

I actually only had told her about my constant refusal of eating for want of other topics to talk about. The fact was that I'd had several sessions without having said anything at all and I understood that this also wouldn't help at all. Still I had a hard time admitting my problems and especially telling them somebody.

"Do you have any idea why you reject food?", she asked and there we were at the point I never wanted to go to. Of course I had an idea, fuck, I knew exactly why I didn't eat.

You would get fat. And no one wants fat people around.

I had lied much in the last weeks so why not do it one more time? Wo cared about this one lie when I'd already told so many?

After a short moment of hesitation, I shook my head no, my glance glued to the floor.

I concentrated on the patterns of the dark wood that the floor was made of and waited until Elisabeth was done scribbling something on the piece of paper she always had with her.

"Alright. Can you describe me the feeling that you get when you have to eat something?" She wanted to know and my throat slowly closed. I felt how less and less air filled my lungs, the familiar panic waiting for the perfect moment to attach itself to me. It would paralyse me, I felt it deep inside of me, crawling to the top and freeing the buried fear again.

"Clay? Will you be able to answer this question?" She asked again but I couldn't quite catch it. My mind was circling around the fact that I had promised to eat dinner with George today. How would I be able to do that if I couldn't even keep down a granola bar?

I couldn't do it. I simply wouldn't be able to. That was something that frustrated me every single time. I had lost the control over my life; I had lost the ability of doing things every normal person wouldn't even think about. Breathing. Eating.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

The panic intensified, causing me to gasp for air. My hands crawled around the wood of the chair I sat in, pushing every drop of blood out of my fingertips and leaving them behind white and numb. The world didn't seem to work properly anymore since it suddenly turned upside down and made my stomach jump in a very dangerous way. I couldn't even tell whether I was standing or sitting or if my feet even touched the floor.

My head was so full of thoughts I was surprised it didn't burst. It felt like a thousand bees were swarming in it, hushing my ears until I couldn't hear anything.
One sentence distilled, though.

You're weak, Clay, don't you realise that?

Dr. Hartfields worried face suddenly showed up in front of mine. Her mouth was moving, forming words I didn't hear nor understand. Through the veil of tears in my eyes, I couldn't quite make out what she intended to say, so I simply closed my eyes, trying to calm down just a little bit.

This had to work.

I had to calm down.

Come on, this can't be that hard.