Hold on || dreamnotfound

chapter thirty seven

dream's point of view

tw: angst, panic attack, talking about depression, suicidal thoughts (warning included, summary as well, please go on with caution, huns <3)

When I woke up the next morning, George wasn't next to me anymore. Groaning, I sat upright and grabbed my phone from the nightstand.

The constant messages and tweets hadn't stopped yet and instead seemed to get worse every day. I hadn't confronted myself with the obvious problem of people knowing what I looked like yet and didn't plan on doing so.

But deep down, I knew I had to.

I had to tell George about Mirabelle and I had to address the situation on YouTube. But I was so fucking scared. The death threats had always been bad... but I had been getting more and more during the last few days.

Sure, there were people that defended me or even said they wouldn't believe it unless I confirmed it was me. But the hate I had gotten made my thoughts get worse than ever.

You're fat.

You're ugly.

You're disgusting.

Just kys already.

I didn't know how to handle it anymore.

Of course I could feel progress as well. For example the fact that I had been clean for two weeks now. But when you keep drowning, a small air bubble doesn't help that much, does it?

Yesterday was a good day. I had been distracted the whole time, not thinking about the Twitter drama once. But as soon as I laid in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Groggily, I decided to get up to at least try and get some food into my system and when I entered the living room, George and Sap were already patiently waiting for me.

A lump formed in my throat when I realized the tense atmosphere as well as George clearly avoiding eye contact.

What did I do wrong this time?

"Morning," I whispered, surprised by my own voice before remembering what I had done tonight. Again, I had spent at least an hour hanging over the toilet and throwing up everything into it that was left in my stomach.

My throat hurt from my finger constantly sliding into the back of my mouth to force myself into gagging.

But there was no way they knew, right?

"Dream... please tell me why..." Sapnap spoke up quietly before embracing me into a warm hug. So they did know then.

Gosh why couldn't I do this for once without being confronted immediately?

"What are you talking about?" I croaked, begging for them to talk about some stupid and unnecessary stuff. But they didn't.

"Dream I know that it's hard... but why don't you wake up me or George when you feel like you need to do this?" He asked, tears starting to flow down his face.

"I- I'm sorry," my voice sounded thin and scared even though I tried to act strong. I was so sick of being treated like a piece of glass.
"I'm not mad and George isn't either. We just want to help you. If there's anything we can do just say it, please," Sap begged but all I did was staring blankly at George.