"Are you already checking out potential venues? How about the color motif of the wedding, have you decided on that?"
"We are thinking of inviting at least 500 guests..."
"I wish this virus will be done by then..."
"There are several pharmacheutical companies already releasing reports with 100% recovery accuracies with the drugs they are developing. Lets hope for the best..."
"I want big flowers around..."
"What about flower girls and the ring bearers?"
"I am thinking of getting a pet dog. I told Zhu we should adopt one. A big one."
"We are already scheduled to be fitted and select suits by next month. Don't worry Ma, we will start the year checking out items on the list you handed to us..."
I closed my eyes when the sounds of voices and clinks of crystal goblets started making my head spin. As always, it took me a moment to realize what is going on. Which is normal because no sane person will anticipate having a panic attack while in the middle of dinner with the people closests to you and whom you know loves you dearly.
I mean, if I am having dinner with the freaking different leaders around the world, yes I think I will anticipate a panic attack in the midst of it. Imagine me sitting next to Jacinda Arden and Angela Merkel with the Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth II, sitting opposite from me...damn it, I will have the most epic panic attack then. I think. Maybe after I fanboy about them.
But no. This is no UN dinner together with the leaders around the world. This is a family dinner with my family who loves me.
So why am I having a panic attack right now? Shit! Thats the thought that pervaded my head as I try my best to breathe deeply and to stay calm. I have done it before. I might do it again.
But the love of my life is sitting right in front of me and Qing is always aware of me so...
Qing: Love, are you alright?
I opened my eyes and tried nodding as another wave of spasm on my right arm assailed me. Qing frowned at me. His chair made a loud noise when he hurriedly stood from it.
Mama: (pulled from her conversation with Auntie) Qing, what is going on?
Qing: (as he circles the table to get to my side) Nothing. Love, stand up.
Qing put an arm around me and I let him assist me at my feet. My fiancé hugged me and I held on to Qing.
Qing: (whispering on my ear) Breathe with me.
Me: (panicking) I don't want to vomit. Get me out of here.
Qing: Okay, we are moving.
Auntie: Qing, what is going on?
Me: (hissing at Qing between gasping for air) Don't tell them what's going on...
Qing: (ignoring that ridiculous request of mine) Dayu is having a panic attack. We need air. Its stuffy here...
He never listens to me, I swear. And his family immediately reacted with varied degrees of concern upon hearing what is going on.
JiJi: (exclaiming in surprise) Oh my God!
Mama: (sounding scared) Dayu ah!
When Qing finally voiced out what was wrong with me, thats when the full force of the panic attack swamped me. I started coughing and loudly gasping for air. Qing dragged me towards the french doors leading to the garden of Auntie and Uncle's home. The others following us.
Qing: (once we get to an open space) We need to loosen your clothes.
He shucked my coat from my body and started loosening my bowtie.
Qing: Just breathe. Just breathe. I'm with you.
Mama: (concerned tone) Qing, will he be okay?
Me: (panicking) Tell...them...to take...Mama away. I...don't want...her...to see me...her bp...
Qing: (not taking his eyes from loosening my tie) JiJi! Take Mama inside! Her blood pressure doesn't need to see this.
There were sounds of commotions from our family but Qing ignored those as he focused on me. I started coughing and I held on to Qing's arms. Digging my fingers into his clothes. He finally took the bowtie off my neck and unbuttoned my shirt.
Qing: Where is your medicine?
Me: In my pocket.
I got the tablet from my pocket. Qing took it out of the little wrapper and made me swallow it. Zhu Gege got to our sides and handed a goblet of water to Qing.
Wang Zhu: Make him drink some water.
Qing: Love, drink some water.
Qing helped me drink water before handing the goblet back to his cousin so he can hug me with both arms. I clung to Qing and continued to gasp for air as I wait for the medicine to do its job. Tears leaked from my eyes and I just want to die in utter shame.
I cannot believe I had a full blown panic attack at the dinner table that Auntie took weeks to prepare to celebrate Zhu Gege and Pau's engagement and to say thank you to her recovered health. I cannot believe I made a spectacle of myself tonight...of all nights.
And for everyone to witness it. Qing's parents. Auntie and Uncle...
Me: (sniffing as I pull in air) I want to die. This is too much.
Qing: Shhh...calm down. It will take more time if you won't calm down. Calm down. Breathe with me. Its okay.
We stayed like that for moments. Zhu gege patted Qing's shoulder.
Wang Zhu: Take your time and come back to the table when Dayu is alright. We will wait for the two of you there.
Qing: Okay, Gege. Thank you.
We waited until I was fully calm and we tried our best to fix my suit before we went back to the dining area.I swallowed hard as I felt nervous at the hot stares that went my way once we passed the threshold. The sudden hushed that descended over the table, was not pleasant too.
Mama: (standing up from her chair) Dayu ah, are you alright?
Me: Yes, Mama. It all passed now.
Mama went to hug me. I hugged her back. She passed a gentle hand on my back.
Mama: Its alright now. You are okay now. (leaning out to smile at me) (fixing my crooked bowtie) Come on and lets finish dinner, huh?
I pulled all my remaining sanity to smile at her and nodded. I escorted Mama back to her seat before I sat next to her. Qing also went back to his seat.
I gave everyone an apologetic stare.
Me: I'm sorry. I usually could hold it down but...
I sighed in defeat. Mama took my hand and smiled at me.
Auntie: No need to apologize. We are just relieved you are alright.
Me: Thank you, Auntie. So...what's for desert?
Uncle laughed. That lightened the mood a bit. But then my eyes met Baba's and he turned his gaze away without acknowledging me. That confused me a bit but the evening commenced and soon, we are all smiling and laughing again as Uncle and Auntie regaled us of stories about Zhu Gege's childhood antics.
The dinner ended smoothly and spectacularly. The food were great, the drinks were almost never emptied, the company was excellent. I thought I made it, my panic attack went and have gone without anyone in Qing's family regarding it as a big deal.
But before we got into our cars in the parking lot, Baba called for Qing.
Baba: (with an even and serious tone) Take Dayu home with you tomorrow. I want to talk to both of you.
Thats all he said. Baba didn't even wait for Qing and I to reply. He gave the order and expected us to comply. Qing and I got into the backseat of the car. Uncle employed drivers for us because we had drinks during that dinner so no one is allowed by the law to drive.
Qing took my hand once we were on the road back to our home.
Qing: Don't worry about it.
Me: What do you think Baba wants to talk about?
Qing: (shrugging) I don't know.
Me: (biting my lower lip) Do you think this is about my panic attack?
Qing: Or it could be about other million things Baba loves to complain about me. You know him, he just had to have a say on the way I run my life.
Me: You think thats all there is to it?
Qing: (smiling at me) I'm sure its nothing too serious. And definitely not about you.
Well in that moment, I trusted Qing's words. I should have known better. I blame Qing for what happened, of course. Baba called for us but Qing waited a whole day before he took me home to their mansion. I told him we should go when Baba told us to but Qing insisted to me that one day of waiting won't kill his father.
He was right. It didn't kill Baba. But I think one day of waiting for his order to be obeyed made Baba more...ahm, shall we say impatient? Because right after dinner with us and Mama, he went straight to the point.
He asked Qing point blank.
Baba: Are you sure you want to marry Dayu and his panic attack?
(Oh My God)
Oh my God indeed.