This is not happening.
This cannot be happening.
Not Sakshi.
I did not expect this. This is a variable I did not prepare for.
I knew Sakshi was flawed, that her need to feel good about herself ruled everything else but this is too far...
This is a betrayal I will not forgive her for.
I recognize the man immediately.
The obstacle in my road.
He is better looking than his pictures, his face hides the filth well...
I look at her holding his hand, looking all happy, she even has a ring on. Great! So she has taken a second chance with both Madhav and him. How convenient! How selfish!
So she gets her lover back free and fine even though he is a rapist and I had to walk through hell and back to finally gain Madhav.
She doesn't deserve this simplicity that has seemingly just fallen into her lap. I want to reach, in this stagnant pause, and rip her throat off but I catch myself just in time.
"Aarav! Stop!" Madhav yelps in pain, pulling his hand away.
"I'm sorry love. I.... you.... I did not mean... why don't you just run upstairs and get the diary while I talk to Sakshi here."
He nods, accepting the escape from this biting silence. He sprints up the stairs in a moment. I walk towards her, seeing no reason to hide the rage, he covers her protectively, "Get away. It's between me and her."
"Sakshi, who the fuck is he?" he asks angrily.
"He is Madhav's partner. Aarav Sen." she says, her voice brittle and on the verge. The righteous anger is drained in seconds as realization strikes him. My name has had this spell for years, but now, as he fears me all of a sudden, I feel immense pleasure in it. Yes, fear me. You deserve it.
"Sakshi... you didn't even consider telling him the truth?"
"Aarav I was going to tell both of you..."
"When? When Sakshi? How long would you have kept us in the dark if we hadn't found out this way?"
"Aarav... it all happened so quickly... we realised we weren't really over each other.... we..."
"The reason you and Madhav separated all began with him... this man's mistakes have ruined so much and you gave him a chance so soon. Why hasn't guilt killed you yet? All those times Madhav called you... talked with you over the call.... asked about your mother.... you were fucking his brother..."
"Excuse me Mr. Sen. It is a family issue... Madhav is my brother and I'm her husband to be... we will decide when..." he lamely tries to argue.
"Madhav? Brother?" I almost laugh, "well I'm the reason he is alive right now. I'm the reason Sakshi didn't think herself to death moreover.... I'm Madhav's real husband."
His eyes go wide as if asking,
You know?
Yes. I do. The terror on his face is beautiful. He knows that his crime isn't just a story anymore. His free days are numbered. His fragile bravado falls completely, replaced by the look of a prey. Such a handsome, tall man, shame how his whole life is nothing but guilt and failure.
What a terrible waste of oxygen! I could just strangle him now and earth won't lose a dime of itself. Next to him stands this slave, this pretentious woman who thinks shouting makes her look brave, a bad friend and a worse human.
Pathetic.
She doesn't know. She only knows how apathetic he is towards Madhav, not what his apathy is capable of.
I want to tell her. To see the wheels of her mind blast.
"Aarav... I... I know he and Madhav aren't so close... but I... will..."
I laugh. Her face turns into a slapped red. "Yes... yes... of course You will reunite them. When Madhav was in the hospital where was he? Only we were there. When you were in the..." I stop.
I stop because Sakshi's eyes go wide in complete horror.
He doesn't know.
She hasn't told him.
Marvelous.
This well runs deeper than I thought.
I know why. She thinks he won't accept her after she tells him and yet she accepts him after his infidelity.
Not because she is some forgiving saint.
But, because she will do any damn thing to tolerate being herself.
A slave, I know so.
Minutes ago, I wanted to kill them both. To tear their torsos open and pour molten iron into them. To forge a new keel for these spineless worms.
But not anymore,
The rage is replaced by a dim laughter in the back of my head.
Betraying Madhav has angered their fate. Standing in my way has brought them to this laughable tragedy.
Because she is punished to love a rapist, just like the one who had his way with her.
Because he is punished to choose a victim, a reminder of the same thing that he did to his brother.
And both unaware of it...
There shine three options before me.
To have them both disposed and move away with my Madhav.
To tell them both their truths, watch the resulting chaos and then move away with my Madhav.
To let them be, ignorant and happy in their squalid existence and move away with my Madhav.
I wonder about my choice when Madhav arrives, his face drained and beautiful, ethereally hurt. He has just cried, an iron stake tears away at my ribs when I see his eyes.
I will get you for doing this to him....
Sakshi, trembling and crying holds his shoulders, "Madhav I was going to tell you soon... trust me... I..."
"We talked about this. We knew if it ever happened, I would be broken because you chose him again. Because he... he has never been a big brother to me... he never cared... but I told you that I would not stand in between you and your love.... only if you tell Me first.... you said it would never happen... you said you would never forgive him... I believed you, I believed every word at the farmhouse... I was a fool.... I guess you both really belong together...." he smiles.
My insides melt into lava, his smile is beautiful pain, he is breaking inside. I cannot take it. A dull hammer strikes inside my skull, I remember this feeling, I know what this metallic buzz in my ear is, I stuff my trembling fists into my pocket.
"Madhav I... please I know I should have..."
"It is ok Sakshi. I shouldn't have expected much from you..." he turns to him, "congratulations brother. You won again."
Sakshi looks around in confusion, tears flowing free, she senses something deeper that she doesn't understand, everything is falling again. She looks at me, asking for help, I promptly turn away.
"Aarav I'm waiting in the car outside." he leaves.
Sakshi runs to me, "Aarav... Aarav please tell him, Aarav help me explain it to him.... it was all so quick... I never meant to hide it..."
"I think it would be for the best if you don't visit us for a while."
"Aarav..."
I don't wait for her to complete her excuses. She disgusts me.
She doesn't posses an ounce of strength.
Madhav is so innocent... he idolised someone so weak... but I hope he knows that he didn't go wrong with me.
That I'm not weak.
That I'm not like them.
He says nothing.
He stares numbly, into the distance.
It is when we enter our room that he breaks down, he hugs me and sobs into my chest. It is the most heartbreaking sound I have ever heard. It is not even a cry, it is as if something in him has broken irreparably.
"Why Aarav why? Why does this always happen to me?"
I have no answer. The equation wasn't supposed to render me speechless, it has shifted now, Sakshi has pulled it beyond equilibrium into a dark warp.
"He is happy... did you see him? He is free... while I... I..." he coughs harshly, his voice is shredding away, "He goes unpunished while I... I suffer... I... why Sakshi..." he sobs and sobs.
He falls due to sheer exhaustion...
And I know,
This is only the beginning.
Days pass.....
Everyday he wakes up, sullen and angry. There is something dark about him, a hopelessly ugly defeatism. His sparkling beauty has been sullied with anger.
It baffles me. It enrages me.
I gained someone so beautiful.
So incredibly precious
And now it is gone because of him.
Abhinav Verma.
The name is a piece of burning glass on my tongue.
Madhav flings a vase at the wall. He has lost his voice due to all the crying. He refuses to eat much. He sleeps fitfully. He doesn't laugh. He doesn't let me touch him. His hair falls dull and limp on his shoulders. His eyes are red rimmed and dim....
Days pass again...
Everyday, Sakshi arrived at our door and was turned away. Three days ago, she stopped showing up.
"So she has given up. Wow. She cares a lot and it shows! Why does it always have to be a wreck when it is mine?"
"Madhav, I'm right here with you."
"Oh yeah and what exactly does that change? He is somewhere planning his fucking wedding with Sakshi but yeah you are here. Sure."
"Madhav do you want me to go talk to her? Him?"
"What in hell will you say when you see them? Do you even know where they are right now?"
"I don't, do you?"
"I don't fucking know! Ask Naaz!"
"Who?"
"His damn secretary. She handles everything for him. Throw her some money and ask her where the fuck he is. The cunt will do anything for cash."
"Then let us contact her and schedule a meeting."
"For what?"
"We will expose him. Save Sakshi."
"You are so stupid Aarav! Let us just tell your mom to take care of it."
It stung. I couldn't hide it. His face fell immediately, "I'm so sorry. Shit I did not mean that.... I...." he sobbed, "I am going crazy... I'm going crazy.... save me please.... he will ruin everything again...."
His sleep deteriorated completely.
Two days ago, he threw another vase at the wall, screaming in anger. He cried to sleep in my arms. He was breaking apart, he wanted to tell it all to Sakshi but he feared her resentment and now, Sakshi has betrayed him... I saw him unravel in front of me, I watched helplessly... cursing myself for being so powerless.
Yesterday, he woke up around 2 am.
"Aarav wake up. Aarav let's go. I can't live here. I want to go to the farmhouse..."
"What happened love? Why are you crying? What..."
"Please Aarav.... I cannot live in this city... "
"Baby I..."
"I can't take it anymore ... he will always come back, always ruin everything that I have... I won't ever be completely happy as long as he is around..."
"I will take you Madhav, to a place where he will never find you..."
He fell asleep.
I couldn't.
Mom and dad ask me often why he never comes downstairs, why they cannot visit our wing of the house... it is a flu, I say...
I called Dr. Nithya, Madhav locked himself in the bathroom when he heard me talking. It is as though the sight of him, happy and engaged, Sakshi by his side, broke his spirit itself. The man who stole his innocence, who deserves no joy, found love and it was his best friend, out of everyone who gave it to him.
This is all getting out of hand.
The equation that was so close to solution has tangled dangerously inside itself yet the solution seems tantalizingly near. It is dangling in the dark right ahead of me, I reach and it swings far away. It is maddening. My blood vessels might just burst with the immense frustration that courses through me, like a walking bomb, I hold myself on the edge, trying my best to not explode.
To not snap.
"He will always be able to mess up my life. Everytime I'm happy, he shows up... he ruins everything... leave me Aarav... he will never let us be happy... as long as he lives...."
He shivered.
Seeing his brother makes revives his past. Brings all the pain back at once.
Wrecking his fragile form...
I decided,
I will kill Abhinav Verma. I will have him disposed.
With him gone,
The road will be clear for us.
The solution was almost in my teeth
But this morning, it evaded me again.
Woken up by another terrible nightmare, he shivers in my arms.
"Madhav.... I will save you. I will take care of it.... he won't..."
"You are not going to do anything to him."
"Madhav I..."
"Don't act Aarav. I know what happened to the Institute. You are not going to do anything to him..."
"You are protecting him... after everything he has done..." I started leaving the room, the dull buzz was awake in my ear. I felt the familiar tingling in my fist, I did not want to look at his face.
"I'm protecting you."
He stood up, his clothes hanging low, like flowing robes, he walked to me, eyes aglow with a small sudden hint of softness. He put his arms around my neck, this was my Madhav... a hint of that soft beauty grew on his face.
"I'm protecting you. I'm protecting you from taking the guilt of his death on your soul. There is a punishment for him but it is not yours to give... I don't want to start our life together with spilt blood. I don't want us to go down the road Reva and you did.... too many mistakes have been made.... we will do it the right way.... "
His tone, his words have an intense finality. He means it and if I defy him, he will leave me forever, I'll lose his trust forever. I need to accept this... it is killing Abhinav Verma or having Madhav Verma.
Ultimately, my equation has reached an impossible impasse.
But my heart has already made the choice.
I cannot lose him.
I'll hold on to him even if it means letting that monster go free.
"If you want that then listen to me... let us go away... let us go far far away....to New York. We will live there... I cannot see you like this again..." I say.
"Aarav... I..."
"This is the only way...."
"Yes. Before we leave, I need to talk to Mom and her..."
"Sakshi?"
"Yes.... a goodbye of sorts...." he said, a smile on his lips after so long...
"I will arrange it soon. In a week, we leave..."
"As you say..." he hugged me limply.
"And your father? Don't you want to..."
He looked me in the eye, "There is no need to see him."