I am a cat in heat. Or at least that's what Qing told me.
Its steadily getting chilly here in my slice of Earth and putting on too many layer of clothes is just too much work for my lazy ass. So my solution was...
Me: (tackling my fiancé on the couch) Body heat! Lets share body heat, Wang Qing!
I hugged your Baba and wriggled around so I can rub parts of me to parts of him. Qing sighed as he endured me fondling parts of him while almost lying on top of his chest and trying to climb on his lap.
I want to be a cat. Why can't people transform into cats so other people could cuddle us and keep us warm?
Hhmmmm...?
Anyways...
Qing: (shivering) Fuck it, Dayu. Your feet are cold.
Me: (rubbing my feet on his left calf) Yes they are. Warm us up.
Qing: (pushing me away a little) Go get some socks to warm them up.
Me: (pouting) Go get us socks so we can warm up. Please...
Qing's expression turned into questioning why he is with someone like me. He probably was having an internal debate on his mind about why they endure being my slave.
But in the end, Qing stood up from the couch.
Qing: (mumbling) Why do I endure being with someone like you...really?
Me: (grinning happily) Are you regretting your life choices?!
Qing: Yes! Fuck!
I chuckled and waited for him and my socks. When Qing came back to the living room, he has my socks on his hands. He sat next to me and I swung my legs to get it over his lap. I wriggled my feet and smiled at him.
Qing sighed and put the socks on my feet. They almost instantly warmed up.
Me: (shuddering) Oh, toasty.
Qing: Lets think hard about having a child when its clear that you are still a baby in need of constant care. How can we have a baby if we already have you?
Me: Shut up and put up, Wang Qing. Baby me...
I tackled him down on the couch again so I can wedge myself between his body and the backrest of the couch with Qing's upper arm as my pillow. I snuggled tightly on his side and sighed in happiness. I am loving my life at the moment.
And my fiancé knows too well why I feel contented with myself.
Qing: (sounding amused) Are you really that happy that you didn't get a panic attack?
Me: Of course! Its a first this year. I managed to remain calm and not have a panic attack. That's a big improvement.
Qing: Yes, it is. I am proud of you, my Little Squirrel.
Me: (smiling as I softly rub his chest over his comfy shirt) Thank you. I know its been rough on you as well. But I promise, I will continue being better at handling my panic attacks.
I am not stupid. I know as I struggle with having panic attacks, Qing struggles with me. He loves me after all. I know too well that if you love a person, the last thing you want to see is them struggling or having a hard time. I could only imagine the trauma Qing experienced everytime he sees me having a panic attack and having a hard time breathing or calming down.
But he never complained. Never. He never gets angry at me for having these panic attacks. Oh he gets angry for the different reasons that triggers my stress but he never gets mad at me. Qing has been nothing but patient with me. As always, it seems like he has a deep well of neverending patience for me. A massive reservoir of love and understanding he only ever shown to me.
This is why other people says Qing has no patience for others because all his patience are reserved in dealing with me. And Qing never denied it or...
Qing: (snorting) I won't apologize for it. Why should I? I don't care if others know that I don't have patience for their stupidity because all my patience are reserved for you. I love you. You, above anyone else, matters to me. I won't apologize for loving you.
Me: Thank you for that.
Qing: (kissing my forehead) No need to thank me. Loving you has always been my pleasure to do.
Me: (chuckling) Liar. I know there were moments you would be just as glad to leave me on the side of the road in a box with a label "I've had enough of his antics, feel free to get this mad squirrel".
Qing: (laughing) True. But then again I will probably go back for you or search everywhere for you if someone stupid did manage to pick you up.
Me: (laughing as well) True.
I sighed after saying that and just burrowed tighter against Qing's body. Luxuriating in his warmth. Thankful for having him by my side. Feeling blessed to be loved by him.
I know I got darn lucky for finding Qing. I know not everyone experienced the kind of love and understanding I get from him. I am very much aware how others will do everything, maybe even commit a mortal sin, just to have what I have with my fiancé. So I feel thankful, I feel blessed, and I pray that I will never take this for granted.
That is why I am working hard to manage my panic attacks. For Qing and for us. Today, I almost had a panic attack because a shelf on my pantry collapsed and cans of goods scattered on the pantry floor. I felt that claw of panic and the thudding of my heart. My head ached and I started perspiring in cold sweats. Then the hot feeling crept into me and I know the next thing will be me finding it hard to take in air.
But instead of giving in to my panic, I quickly did my breathing exercises and felt for my anxiety tablet. I swallowed it and crumpled my hands on my shirt as I continued my breathing exercises while my eyes were closed. That's how Qing found me, standing in the middle of the pantry, eyes closed and breathing carefully. Qing hugged me gently and breathed with me. Murmuring softly in my ears.
Qing: You are doing great, Love. You are doing it. That's it. Just breathe. I am here.
His presence gave me more strength to continue calming down. It was not easy. If you read that and think "oh that's how easy it was not to have a panic attack", you are fucking wrong. It was hard. It almost took all of me. Tears seeped from my eyes even though I am calm. It was hard not to have the panic attack. But I did it. I tried my best not to have it because the alternative is harder. Subjecting myself and Qing in a panic attack is still harder than me fighting tooth and nail not to have it.
I know panic attacks are hard to understand for people who don't have it. Maybe like how hard it is for me to understand depression because I don't have it. We don't understand things we don't personally experience. I am not asking for pity because I have panic attacks. What I want people to understand is that I try my best to manage it. I try my best to not have it. I try my best to overcome it. Everyday, I try my best. I own it, I acknowledge I have it and I try my best.
That's it. That's all I want people to know about my panic attacks.
And oh, that Qing is there for me always so...I am not alone in this. I know that as well.
Qing: Do you want to talk to your therapist about what happened today? That you managed to push back against your panic attack.
Me: (opening my eyes) I will talk to her about it. But later. Maybe on our next meeting.
Qing: But that meeting is scheduled next month.
Me: Yes. I like my therapist but thats partly because I like the fact that I'm only required to see and pay her once a month.
Qing: (chuckling) She should know.
Me: She should. But I will tell her on my own time.
Qing: Okay. I'm just happy you finally did it. Calmed down before it could consume you into a full panic attack.
Me: (sighing) You know it could be a fluke, right? A one time thing. Maybe I won't succeed the next time.
I don't want Qing to think that I am fully healed from my panic attack. I am almost a hundred percent sure that there'll be a next time and I won't be able to prevent it from consuming me. From driving me down to my knees and clawing on my clothes as I try hard to take in air. It could still happen.
Qing: I know it could happen again. I know that. But I am just proud of you today. I want you to know that you were such a badass in the pantry, breathing well.
Me: (smiling) Thank you...for saying I am a badass.
Qing: (grinning) You have always been a badass on my eyes.
That made me happy. If I can be a badass to only one person, I want that person to be Qing.
We smiled at each other and drew together for a kiss. The kiss started slow and sweet enough but it steadily turned heavy and hot. Qing held me tighter and I moved my body up to lay over him while one my hand slid down to cup his growing erection.
Hmmm...a hard Qing. We don't want to waste that.
I ended the kiss to smile down at him.
Me: Wanna suck you.
Qing: Are you sure?
I nodded and didn't give him another chance to reply. I just wriggled myself down to insinuate my body between his thighs. I pulled down Qing's shorts and underwear together to reveal his heavily aroused cock. I marveled at the sight of it for a moment before grasping it on my hand and started pulling and tugging it.
Qing: (sighing) God, I love you hands on me.
Me: I know.
I licked my lips as I focus on Qing's dick. I gave it a good squeeze or two before I pointed it upward and put the whole bulbous head inside my mouth.
Qing: Oh shit! Ugh!
I moaned around the head of his cock, swirled my tongue around it, loved Qing's smell and taste before I thightened my cheeks as I suck that head.
Qing groaned loudly. He put a hand on the back of my head. His breathing grew heavy as his hips swiveled while trying to fuck my mouth gently.
Qing: (panting) Dayu ah...Dayu ah...
I bobbed my head on his cock while massaging the base with my strong right hand. I wet him with my saliva and continued sucking him until I tasted his precum.
One word about Qing's precum. Yum.
(Oh my god...)
Qing: Fuck! Fuck! Suck my cock, Love. Suck it good. Yes, just like that.
I went down hard on him. Getting as much of Qing's cock in my mouth without gagging and swallowed around him. Qing growled this time. Both his hands are now on my hair as he tried nudging my tonsil with his dick.
Qing fucked my mouth steadily but carefully. My hand got busy playing with his balls. I moaned several times around his length to let him feel the vibration. Qing kept is thrusts measured as I drooled around his dick. But just when I thought he will cum inside my mouth, Qing pulled his dick out and hauled me upward to kiss me.
We hugged tight while kissing. Qing jerked himself off and I slipped a hand inside his chest to look for his nipples. Together, we stimulate him fast and hard to get him to cum. Qing grunted loudly as his body seized and warm jets of semen erupted between us.
Qing laid panting after his orgasm.
Qing: (eyes closed and still savoring the moment) Fuck, you are amazing. You are really something else, Feng Jian Yu. The way you suck my cock...
Me: I know. I am such a dreamboat.
I look down at his belly with lines of his cum on it. I gathered some on my finger and ate it up. Qing stared at me, looking mesmerized.
Qing: You are one sexy dirty fuck and no one else will have you but me. You are mine.
I nodded to agree. Qing kissed me again and I melted against him, letting him have a taste of himself on my tongue. Then after the kiss he asked me if I need to cum too while cleaning himself with wet wipes he got from the center table.
Me: (yawning) No. I think I'm too tired for an orgasm. (yawning again) I am sleepy now.
Qing: Yet you had the time and energy to suck me down and eat my cum. You...
Me: (snorting) I like making my man feel good. Sue me.
Qing chuckled before holding me close. He kissed my forehead.
Qing: Sleep then. I am here. I will look after you.
And I never doubt that. I know Qing will always look after me. He will always do it because he will always love me.