Important A/N: For those of you saying that the blood test is shady or isn't real are wrong. I did my research before writing the chapter because I would never intentionally spread false information and it is —in fact very real. Technology is very advanced —so advanced now that mental and physical illnesses can be detected from the patients blood samples.
If I did, per se, spread false information for the sake of this book I would've put a 'A/N' right below that stating that it is wrong and is fictional for the sake of this book. Please do your research.
Trigger Warning, some readers might find the below contents slightly triggering.
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Flashback.
(3ʀᴅ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴ ᴠɪᴇᴡ)
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"So before we start darling, tell me how you're feeling and please be honest. Remember, I'm here to help you." She said to Lucas. "And whatever you would like to share with me or talk about stays in this room until and unless you feel comfortable with me telling your parents about it, okay love?" Amanda said to him sweetly.
'Can I trust her?' He thought, he was scared.
The past few days —no months, he didn't feel like himself. He felt weak mentally, he lost his passion for soccer and football, yes he would still attend practise but he didn't feel the same joy as he did once.
At night he wouldn't sleep but just stare up at the ceiling in silent, watching his ceiling fan go round and round. His thoughts would rapidly move, like a sports car on a never ending racing circuit.
He felt tired all the time —physically and mentally, barely ate, barely came out of his room, barely talked, barely did anything.
It wouldn't really be a surprise that his family didn't realise his problems. After all, he was the jester of the family, always smiling and laughing. So it came great shock to them when they found out.
The happy kid was depressed.
"So tell me," She said as she opened one of the portfolio and grabbed an empty sheet of paper and clipped it on her clipboard and leaned into her rolling chair. "Does school make you stressed or make you feel pressured? Does school interfere with your home routine a lot?" She asked as she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
Thoughts of the unfinished homework and projects flashed into his mind. It wasn't particularly his fault he didn't do it, he had some things to do, or as he would call it 'unfinished business'.
He remembered his teachers yelling at his antics while children laughed behind his back because they knew he didn't care about what his teachers said nor did he care about the work.
Oh were they wrong.
He did care, a lot. He cared about the teachers being ashamed of him, he cared about his future and his pending works.
But they wouldn't matter to him soon, he would be gone anyways.
The teachers yells and the bad grades that flashed before his eyes filled the demons of the night. They would constantly howl and taunt him about it at the ungodly hours of the night.
While he did nothing but listened.
He tried, he really did. But that's what no one saw.
He shook his head. "No." He said after minutes of thinking as he looked down at the floor and anywhere near the women's gaze.
Amanda nodded, she knew it was a lie. She was trained in human psychology for years, she could easily tell when a seventeen year old was lying.
She let it go and moved on to the next question. "How often have you been bothered by feeling nervous, anxious or on edge over the last two weeks?"
He shrugged as he sighed. "Never,"
"I need a bit more than just one word answers Lucas."
He sighed. "I don't feel anxious." He grumbled as he fought the urge to roll his hazel eyes, getting irritated by the minute as he rephrased his one word answer.
She wrote down things on her notepad. "Are you afraid of judgement? When you're picking out an outfit for the day, do you get anxious of what other people might think or might say? Are you scared to do things because of people's judgement?"
He shook his head as he scoffed. "I don't give a flying f*ck what people think."
He knew he was being rude but he couldn't help it, she was getting on his nerves.
"Okay..." She said hesitantly as she wrote his answers down.
"How often have you been bothered by having trouble relaxing over the last two weeks?" She asked.
"If only they'd let me sleep." He mumbled under his breath.
"Who?" She immediately asked.
He hesitantly whispered his answer. "Those who want me dead." He mumbled so slowly that Amanda didn't hear him.
She furrowed her eyes in confusion. "I'm sorry what?"
He shook his head, sliding a lie through his soft pink lips. "My neighbours, they're far too loud." He answered, playing with the hem of his shirt.
Amanda, again, knew this was a lie but didn't say anything.
"How often have you been bothered by becoming easily annoyed or irritable over the last two weeks?" She moved on.
Lucas sighed in annoyance. " 'Dunno," He grumbled. "People are annoying as f*ck so it ain't my fault."
"Do the smallest things tick you off?"
Lucas had to bite his lips to keep his profanities to himself because the lady in front of him was irritating him. Much like humans.
He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, especially the ones who talk far too much." He said, directing the words to Amanda but she shrugged it off.
"How often have you been bothered by feeling afraid as if something awful might happen over the last two weeks?" She resumed ignoring his remark as her eyes flooded with worry.
He shrugged as he bit his lips. "Never, I honestly don't care if anything would happen to me." He answered.
"I wouldn't even care if I was dead." Lucas mumbled to himself but Amanda didn't hear anything.
"Mh," She nodded as she continued writing down.
She finished writing and put the pen down as she took two sheets of paper filled with writing and stapled them together and placed it against his form that his mum and dad filled before their procedures. She opened the next portfolio and peered down at it before she started writing on a new blank fresh page.
"Are we done?" Lucas asked, annoyed.
She looked at him with worry in her eye. "The first one, yes. The second one, no."
She looked down at the paper. "How often have you been bothered by feeling down, depressed, irritable, or hopeless over the last two weeks?" She looked up at me expectantly.
He thought a bit for this question. He didn't know whether to be honest or not. "N-no." He stuttered. "I'm good." He nodded, trying to convince himself more than the women.
"Okay," She sighed, knowing he was lying but then again, she couldn't force him to open up as she noted something down, probably what he just said.
"How often have you been bothered that you have little interest or pleasure in doing things over the last two weeks?" She moved on to the next question.
He shrugged as he let out a humourless chuckle. "Well I didn't lose interest per se...It's not that fun anymore I guess, it's the cycle of growing up or I'd rather be doing anything than the things I used to enjoy."
"I see," She furrowed her eyebrows and nodded at me and then flipped the page and wrote something down. "What're the things that you used to enjoy?"
"Soccer and football." He replied.
"How often have you been bothered by trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much over the last two weeks?"
"Didn't I tell you already?" He put on a slight scowl as he answered it sassily.
When Amanda said nothing but continued to write down in her notepad, he sighed. "My neighbours are loud."
She nodded. "Mind elaborating?"
He wanted to say 'Yes.' But he bit his tongue to stop himself as he nodded. "They- uh, they play really loud music? Yeah music." He nodded, trying to convince Amanda.
"Hm," She nodded, obviously not believing him. She looked at him wit furrowed eyebrows with a glint of victory in her eyes, knowing that she had caught him now. "Didn't your neighbours move out this September?"
He felt his breath hitch in his throat and bile rise up a he nervously chuckled and scratched the back of his neck in unison. "O-oh they did? I didn't know that."
Yes he did.
Amanda sighed. "Lucas, please be honest with me. I won't judge you or anything."
He didn't say anything.
"How often have you been bothered that you have poor appetite, weight loss, or overeating over the last two weeks?"
"I don't know," He shrugged. "I'm not that hungry." He answered with a shrug.
She nodded at him with slight pity in her eyes.
"How often have you been feeling tired, or having little energy over the last two weeks?"
He shrugged as he leaned back into my wooden chair. "I've always been tired. All day, every day. It's a habit I've had."
Amanda was shocked at the words of him, it was exactly what Elainy had said.
She pursed her lips and nodded in unison before continuing to write.
"How often have you been bothered by feeling bad about yourself –or feeling that you are a failure, or that you have let yourself or your family down over the last two weeks?"
He chuckled humourlessly again. "I don't feel like a burden cause I know I'm not one." He scoffed trying to cover his bruised expression.
What a lie.
He felt like he was a burden everyday, every second, every minute.
Maybe that was the reason he thought everyone would be better off with him gone.
He knew he was a burden, he stopped fighting a long ago but no one noticed.
"Okay..." She softly muttered before she noted things down on her sheet again.
She took a breath before asking the next question. "How often have you been bothered by thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself in some way over the last two weeks?"
He felt his body stiffen at the question, his heart beating out of his chest, his palms sweating.
Memories of the late nights that he spent doing his 'unfinished business' instead of sleeping came flooding into his mind. The tears that he shed, the silent raw screams that embraced from his lips, the sweat dripping from his forehead, his shaky hands running carefully through his arms before he slashed them, the blood trickiling from his arms, dripping down on to the floor.
It all came back to him.
But he knew he deserved it.
he shook his head as he mumbled something under his breath.
"Huh?" Amanda asked, as she leaned in to make sure she hears him right.
The boy couldn't control himself any longer, he felt all the anger that was stacked inside of him hurting out like a volcano. "F*ck it!" He yelled, startling Amanda, as he stood up and walked out and slammed the door behind it.
Amanda sighed and clicked her tongue multiple times. "Poor Lucas..."
-
"I'm sorry, Lucas has what?!" Amelia yelled with a frantic expression etched on her face.
"Mrs. Saphrano please calm down-"
"No!" She roared. "You can't tell me to calm down when two of my kids are mentally disabled!" She said, her eyes glistening with tears.
"I-I understand how you feel Mrs. Saphrano, but please calm down. It's not permanent. With the right people around them with the right cure, they'll be okay!" She said with an urgent voice.
"Who are the right people?! It's definitely not me or my husband because of us our children are not okay!" She yelled.
"Mrs. Saphrano-"
"Do you know who's fault it is that they're not okay?! Me!" She yelled with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Mrs. Saphrano!" Amanda had enough as she yelled back equally as loud, causing Amelia to shut up in a instance. "Calm down and let me speak!"
Amanda took a deep breath before she spoke in a normal tone and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "Look," she started aas she wrote something on the piece of paper. "I'm gonna be assigning some medications for both Elainy and Lucas." She said.
"You're wrong!" Amelia roared. "Lucas was just laughing and joking from the trip here! And Elainy is always calm!" She mumbled, her voice shaking. "Lucas was- no is very happy and El is very calm! You're wrong..." She trailed on.
Amanda looked at her with pity, for the fact the she knew her calculations were precise. "Sometimes...the patient covers it up with a smile on the outside so people don't know about the demons lurking on the inside."
Lucas flinched slightly at the word 'Demon', the terrors of the night coming back to him.
"H-how did this happen tho? H-how did my kids get this..." Amelia trailed on as her voice cracked.
Amana looked up from her paper with pity as she stopped writing. "It can be for loads of reasons, lets start with Lucas.
Family history – Depression can run in families and some people will be at an increased genetic risk. However, having a parent or close relative with depression doesn't mean you'll automatically have the same experience. Life circumstances and other personal factors are still likely to have an important influence.
Personality – Some people may be more at risk of depression because of their personality, particularly if they have a tendency to worry a lot, have low self-esteem, are perfectionists, are sensitive to personal criticism, or are self-critical and negative.
Serious medical illness – The stress and worry of coping with a serious illness can lead to depression, especially if you're dealing with long-term management and/or chronic pain.
Drug and alcohol use – Drug and alcohol use can both lead to and result from depression. Many people with depression also have drug and alcohol problems." She finished.
"Does anyone in your family have Depression?" Amanda asked.
Amelia looked at her husband and both of them shook their heads simultaneously. "No,"
"Does he consume alcohol and/or drugs?" Amanda furrowed her eyebrows and waited for an answer.
They looked back at Lucas who was looking down and fiddling with Elainy's hands.
They both also had the habit of holding each others hands when they were stressed or nervous. It never left Lucas even though he met Martin.
"Do you?" His mother asked, scared for his answer.
Lucas shook his head, indicating he does not.
Of course he does.
"And what about my daughter?" Amelia asked, her eye's fazed with worry.
"There are a lot of reasons for anxiety,
—Stress from an emotional trauma such as the death of a loved one.
—Stress from a serious medical illness.
—Side effect of medication.
—Use of an illicit drug, such as cocaine.
—Symptom of a medical illness such as heart attack, heat stroke, or hypoglycemia.
—Lack of oxygen in circumstances as diverse as high altitude sickness, emphysema, or pulmonary embolism —a blood clot in the vessels of the lung." She finished with a breath before she continued again.
She grabbed the sheets of papers that were associated with Elainy's files. "So from what she told me, I'm gathering that it is the first one. She mentioned the lose of her Nayna and three other people —she didn't specify who— hit her really hard." She said as she read the documents she wrote on Elainy. "But from what she told me I think there is also a wide range of reasons as to why this is happening to her, for example her anxiety could be a side effect from the severe depression she used to suffer from or the mild depression she is suffering from right now. The side affects of mental illnesses don't show immediately, she could be having anxiety because of the emotional trauma she suffered from her depression she had about two years ago."
"Oh," Amelia muttered. "How long have the both of them carrying these illnesses?"
"Hm," Amanda hummed as she flipped through the ages of both Elainy and Lucas' files. "I cant tell you the exact number of days but," She suck a breath in. "Lucas has been experiences for about five to six months and Elainy has been having anxiety for more than a year."
"More than a year?" Nick mumbled under his breath.
"How did we not notice?" Amelia mumbled, disappointed.
'Cause y'all are oblivious as f*ck.' Elainy spoke for the first time as she mumbled it under her breath, making sure no one heard what she said.
Lucas cracked a smile at her words as he continued to play with her fingers.
"So I'm gonna prescribe some medicine for the both of them." She said, turning the page in her notebook and writing down some medications.
After a few minutes of silence Amanda ripped out a piece of paper and handed it to the Saphrano parents. "There is a pharmacy down near the reception where you can get all of these."
The parents looked down at the list.
For Lucas:
— clinical depression antidepressant
— clinical depression anxiolytic
— clinical depression SSRIS
For Elainy:
— clinical depression antidepressant
— clinical depression anxiolytic
— anxiety disorder sedative
- Buspirone
—clinical depression/anxiety SSRIS
— anxiety disorder nerve pain medication
- Anticonvulsants
"Why does Elainy have so many medications?" Amelia asked.
Amanda was slightly shocked at how dumb Amelia sounded, didn't she just say why?
"Uh because she has both anxiety and depression?" She said like it was very obvious.
"Oh, right." She nodded.
"Oh right!" Amanda took the sheet from them and wrote something down and passes it back. "I forgot to write something down on that sheet that I suggest she uses."
They looked at the sheet and widened their eyes at the thing written. "She has to smoke?! Anxiety pen? Isn't that just like a vape pen?"
"Lucky." Lucas and Blake mumbled under their breaths at the thought of their sister getting to vape.
Amanda hesitantly nodded. "Not quite, anxiety pens are prescribed by doctors but vape pens are not. Anxiety pens helps with anxiety while vape pens are for fun."
"But don't the both of them have the same effect?"
"No, not all. Vape pens contain nicotine which can make anxiety symptoms worse while anxiety pens contains essential oils that helps the patient relax." Amanda finished her sentence before she started another one quite seriously. "But, both of them can cause serious addictions and are not too healthy for the physical body." She then to Elainy with a very serious face. "I'm gonna prescribe you with a little dose okay? I don't want you to be doing it twenty-four-seven and get addicted to it."
Elainy gulped down the bile that was rising to her throat and nodded, gripping her brothers hands tighter.
"How many times do we have to give them the medicines?" Nick asked.
Amanda grabbed the sheet of paper and read it over again. ""I was just about to get to that."
"So let's starts with the similar doses the both of them need to consume." Amanda brought her hand up and cleared her throat before she brought her hand down and looked at them again. "Give the both of them a dose of antidepressants right after they wake up with a empty stomach, make sure they haven't eaten or drank anything and make them take another one right before they go to bed because the side affects of this makes the patient very sleepy and tired. So after they take the medicine try to make them do something energetic —like go one a run or jog and such."
"And now for the anxiolytics," Amanda muttered under her breath as she wrote something down in her notebook before looking back up at the pair of anxious parents before her. "I want Lucas to take half a pill every two days and I want Elainy to take one everyday after lunch. But I must warn you, the side effects of this drug is very awful —including drowsiness or dizziness. Other side effects include lowered blood pressure, slowed breathing, and problems with memory. So let the two of them stay at home for a few days and be supervised while taking this drug, and when they're used to it, they can start taking it alone." She finished with a huph of a breath.
"And for the SSRIS make them take it after dinner along with antidepressants. Elainy will take only half a pill every night because it can increase her anxiety and panic attacks-" Amanda was interrupted by Amelia.
"W-wait, she has panic and anxiety attacks?" She asked, her voice heavy and tears streaming down her face.
Amanda was shocked, her parents didn't know?
"You didn't know?" Amanda asked, not even hiding her face and voice that was dripping of stunt.
'What kind of parents are they?' Amanda thought but kept her words to herself.
Amelia and Nick turned to Elainy with a face of shock and sadness, making her grip Lucas' hand tighter. She wanted to cry and her breath hitched in her throat, she wanted to hurl and disappear into thin air.
She didn't want them finding out.
Amanda continued. "So about the SSRIs, Common side effects of SSRIs can include — feeling agitated, shaky or anxious, feeling or being sick, indigestion, or constipation, loss of appetite and weight loss, dizziness, blurred vision, dry mouth, excessive sweating, sleeping problems —insomnia, or drowsiness headaches. So Elainy is gonna only take half a pill every two or three days after dinner and Lucas is gonna take one whole pill every one consecutive day because they're teenagers and their bodies are developing and they're gonna be curious about these drugs which can lead to addiction and that is something we really don't want."
Amanda took a deep breath before she started speaking again. "So I covered Lucas' medications which were also included in Elainy's, so I'm gonna tell you about the sole medications Elainy has to take."
Amelia and Nick nodded.
"So about the sedatives, I want her to take buspirone pills every time she finishes a meal, so that would be three times a day. After visible effects of her anxiety decreases, I'm gonna decrease the dose based on her change of behaviour —oh that goes to the both of them, the medications will decrease or increase depending on their behaviour."
"About the nerve medication," Amanda took a deep breath. "I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I'm scared to give her this medication because this has side effects that are...not so safe, some that even lead to death." She said making all he family members widen their eyes but not Elainy's, she didn't mind.
Elainy had always wondered what would happen after death, would you reincarnate into a animal or a human? Is that the end? What would happen?
Would she meet Nayna?
When no one said anything Amanda hesitantly continued. "The side effects include —Dry mouth, dizziness, constipation, blurred vision, and upset stomach, nausea, dizziness, sweating, rowsiness, dizziness, and nausea, and in some cases...death." She gulped. "The only reason for death would be overdose or cause of addiction. And this medicine is very addictive and can cause serious addiction Elainy." She told the girl sternly.
She nodded and obeyed.
Amanda then looked at he parents. "Hide medications from her and Lucas, we don't want them getting addicted. Understand?"
She looked at the pair of parents who nodded.
Amanda passed the sheet back to the pair of parents with everything written on it.
"So that is everything, I suggest you guys go get it from the pharmacy near the reception while I have a talk with Elainy." She smiled at the fourteen year old.
Elainy's heart started beating up faster and faster because she was scared.
Really scared.
"Okay..." Amelia mumbled as the lot of them except Elainy stood up.
The fourteen year old wouldn't let go of the seventeen year olds hand, as much as she didn't like him, she was scared.
The seventeen year old looked at her with sadness and pity and tried to smile at her, indicating that it was okay. But smiling was the last thing he wanted do.
He hesitantly brought his sisters knuckles up to his lips and pressed a small kiss on it, reassuring her and then he let go and walked out the room with the rest of the family.
She was stunned.
She never expected him to do that.
When the family walked out an the room was only with the two of them, Amanda smiled at her —a small comforting one.
"Hi love," She said with sincerity. "Is there anything you'd like to say?" She asked timidly.
She was stunned by what just happened, she didn't know what t0 do or say. "I don't know what to say..." She muttered genuinely.
Amanda pursed her lips in pity at the young one in front of her. "Do you know why I called you to stay?" She said just above a whisper.
The teenager just shook her head.
"Well you know how Lucas is feeling and how hard it would've been for him these past few months, right?" She timidly asked.
Elainy hesitantly nodded, fiddling with her fingers, staring at the place here her brother kissed her knuckles.
"All three of your brothers seemed super bummed finding out about your illness." She mumbled. "They looked sad and scared."
"Why would they be scared?" Elainy timidly mumbled. There was absolutely no reason for them to be scared or care about her.
"Why wouldn't they be? You're their sister, they care about you." She said softly.
Elainy held back a humourless chuckle knowing that none of it was true and nodded instead.
"I want to give you a task Elainy," Amanda started, getting her attention almost immediately. "You know how Lucas feels right now, being stuck in a dark box with no one there to help as much as you scream out for help, practically drowning in your own mind." She said with a hint of sadness.
I nodded, the nights that weren't in my favour roared into my mind like a thunderstorm.
"I want you to help Lucas, and make sure he doesn't go through this alone just like you did. You understand his pain, his sorrow, his anger, his smile plastered in front of his pain, you know it all." She muttered in pity. "Is Lucas popular in school?"
Elainy slightly scoffed and chuckled in unison. "Bloody hell yeah, all three of my brothers are. They're practically gods there, there is literally no one that hasn't heard of the 'Saphrano Triplets'."
"Exactly, he has a reputation to up hold so he probably doesn't want anyone to know what is happening to him, right?"
She nodded.
"Are you popular at school?"
She fought the urge to scoff. "No not exactly, people only know me 'cause of my siblings. Compared to them, I'm practically untouchable —in a bad way."
"Ah the struggle, I know how you feel. Your dad was very popular all throughout college while I was just known for my good grades, it was hard being your dads girlfr- best friend. Everyone was always asking where huge was and if he was free." Amanda chuckled at the memory.
Amanda then turned fairly serious. "So will you help him?" She asked.
Elainy knew she had no other choice but to say yes.
Amanda cracked a small smile. "Great, but don't ever feel pressured to do it. Just be there for him, if you feel pressurised, you tell me about it okay?"
Elainy nodded again. It seems like she hadn't said much or done much except nod her head.
"Your brother is very lucky to have a sibling like you y'know? You love him right?" She smiled fondly at me, expecting me to answer.
There was obviously only on right answer to this.
Elainy hesitantly nodded. "I do." She muttered. The only reason she said yes was for the sake of the family's reputation.
"And he does too —all three of them do, I saw how worried and horrified they looked when I told your parents what happened to you and then Lucas held on to your hand and kissed it. They love you a lot El, you're lucky to have siblings like them." Amanda smiled at her genuinely. "My older brother died when he was sixteen, I was about your age." She said with a sad smile. "I loved him more than anything in the world and the night before he died he told me that he did too, I didn't know what he meant but little did I know I'd find out the next day..." She trailed on sadly.
Elainy stared at her with pity, unsure what to say in this situation.
Amanda snapped out of it and quickly cleared her throat. "You may leave now Elainy," She smiled at her as she gestured her to the door in unison. "Send my love and farewell to your family."
Elainy nodded as she stood up and made her way to the door, muttering a small goodbye.
"Oh and Elainy!" Amanda stopped her, causing the teen to look over her shoulders. "Remember what I said okay? Don't pressurise yourself love."
Elainy gave her a small smile and nodded. "I will Dr. Perèz, good night." She bid her farewells and walked out of her office, closing the door behind her.
~~~~~~~
End of Flashback
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It was currently 11:53 pm and we were driving home and the car ride was awfully silent.
Me and Lucas were perched on the back seat together, him looking outside the window with his hood up and I looking the other way. There was quite some distance between us.
The night was a special kind of blackness, the kind that wants only to hold the stars and help them to shine all the brighter. It was a warm black that hugged you no matter what, and within it's safety I could feel my own soul all the more clearly, feel better.
But I found the darkness strange at the same time. Living in the heart of a city, I had grown used to having the warming, orange glow of streetlamps outside my window, their light filtering in through the gaps in the curtains. This was a blackness that I couldn't recall seeing before - one that was almost absolute. When I tilted my head skyward I could see clearly millions of bright stars dotted on the black canvas of night, yet none of that light seemed to filter far enough down to make any difference when I turned my eyes away.
In my hands were the bags of drugs that me and Lucas needed to take, I bounced my leg up and down at the thick tension of the car. Mum was crying silently, dad seemed down, Ryan -for the first time- had no words to speak, and Blake closed his eyes as his head rested against the window.
And it was all my fault they were acting this way.
I sighed silently as I continued watching the moon travel with me.
When I was a child, I used to always think the moon was following me, and that just made me love it even more.
'I have to take so many medications' I sighed at the thought.
Lucas and I have another appointment next week.
With an actual therapist.
"S-stop the car." Lucas' voice suddenly croaked out causing mum and dad to look at him and my dad stopping the car on the empty road with a minimal of cars driving by.
"Why?" Ryan asked with a straight face. I could tell he was mad but not at Lucas, at least I don't think so. I could tell that he didn't know how to react.
"H-honey is everything o-okay?" Mum's voice cracked as Lucas slid open the van door and stepped outside, taking in his surroundings along with a deep breath.
Lucas put his hand through his hood and ran a hand through his hair before he brought it down into the pocket of his sweatpants while the other fixed the hood and came down into the pocket as well.
"I'm gonna walk home, I uh- need to clear my thoughts..." He said just above a whisper as he trailed off and took in the surroundings behind him.
The grass grew in tussocks and flattened in waves with each gust of wind, only to spring up as fresh as a bunch of flowers right after. It was nothing like the uniform green of the meadow back home that almost looked combed. Each tuft was wild and slightly yellowing under the sun and between each there was bare soil, baked and powdery.
Rough and shaggy like uncombed hair, coarse, blue-green grass, long and unkempt, meadow grass waving and rustling in the breeze, pale and stiff with frost, damp and springy, almost black in the twilight, short like a bowling green, interspersed with weeds and meadow flowers, an expanse of uniform green, brown patches from the intense summer sun and lack of rain, manicured lawn with neat crisp edges, the raggedy grass lay under the brittle leaves in it's shaggy autumnal decrepitude.
"It's twelve in the goddam night! Are you f*cking serious?!" Someone suddenly roared at him. I turned my head to see it was Blake, he finally woke up.
He furrowed his eyebrows as he continued. "What if something happens to you, what're you gonna do?" He yelled, even though he wasn't as mad, he was still mad.
Lucas took his hand out of his pocket with his phone and waved it to show Blake. "I'll call."
"There's no cell tower over here idiot." He hissed.
"Well then," Lucas sighed. "Guess this is the final good byes." Lucas said with a tiny smirk.
"Lucas what the f*ck." Ryan said.
"You're gonna do something irrational, I can feel it." Blake said calmly.
"Please don't." He whispered.
I don't think I've ever seen Blake so desperate for someone to stay.
Lucas chuckled slightly. "Damn Blakey," He chuckled. "You're an idiot. I won't do sh*t, I just need to clear my mind that's all." He said with a small smile.
"Let me come with you at least." Blake mumbled.
"Lucas needs to do this alone, he needs to clear his mind. Leave him alone." I mumbled as I kept my eyes on the moon.
I raised my leaning head from the window to look at Blake. "Leave him be."
"Are you f*cking serious? Elainy! He's gonna do stupid things! People who are depressed tend to do stupid things and irrational things that they're gonna regret later on!" Blake hollered at me.
"Just because people have mental illnesses does not mean they lose thier common decency Blake!" I yelled back.
When he didn't speak up I continued. "Do you not trust him?" I said calmly.
"I don't know at this point." Blake ran a frustrating hand through his locks as he looked down at the seat and not on my gaze.
"Do you or do you not trust your youngest triplet Lucas, Blake?" I rephrased the question, staring into his eyes.
He sighed and nodded, finally giving in. "Yeah, guess I do..." He mumbled.
"Exactly, if you did then why are you so worried? He's gonna be fine." I reassured with a straight blunt face and then I turned to look at Lucas who flashed me a small grateful smile, one which I didn't return, instead my facial expression remained monotone.
"You're not gonna do the dumb sh*t you usually do right?" I asked him with a flat tone.
He let out a slight chuckle and took his hoodie down. He grabbed both of his hands and ran it through his now messy hair and then putting the hood back up and stuffing his hands back into his pockets. "Yeah, I guess I won't. I'll just walk home."
I clocked an eyebrow up at him. "Promise?"
He nodded with a small smile —one that I didn't bother returning.
"Say it." I muttered.
"I promise."
I looked back at Blake. "There," I raised my hand to point at Lucas but I kept my gaze on Blake. "You have your answer."
"Why the f*ck are you even on his side?! You're supposed to be on ours! Just because he promised doesn't mean he won't break it!" Ryan butt into the conversation.
I let out a breath as my gaze was now fixed on Ryan. "The Lucas I know would never break a promise —my promises at least. He would do anything rather than break my promise." I looked at Lucas with a turn of my head. "I know he's still in there somewhere." I murmured as I looked back at Ryan as soon as I finished the sentence.
Dad clasped his hands together and looked at Lucas. "What if you don't come home safe?"
I spoke up immediately. "If he doesn't come home safe that's on me. Blame me for whatever happens to him —death, accident, coma —all that classic rom-com sh*t on T.V." I said, my straight face not faltering one bit. "I'm sure he has the common decency and knowledge to take care of himself." I finished.
"The boy's almost eighteen." I added to my point. "He's more than capable of walking home alone and taking care of himself." I finished with a sigh as I leaned into the back seat.
"We shouldn't have to come look for you." Dad warned with a finger wagging at him.
"Nick! Y-you can't be serious right now!" My mother screamed from beside him.
"Amelia, I'm sure he's gonna be alright okay?" Dad tried to convince her.
"We are in the middle of no where! The GPS says that it'll take almost an hour and a half to get home! Imagine how long it'd take him!" Mum wouldn't stop screaming.
"Amelia! He's gonna be alright okay! I trust him!"
"It doesn't matter whether or not you trust him! It matters that he's safe and sound at home! In my arms!" Mum had tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Amelia love, he's gonna be okay baby." Dad kissed her forehead and wiped her tears, trying to calm her down.
Mum looked up at dad and nodded timidly and then turned to Lucas with a fierce look and a angry wagging finger. "You better be calling me every time you get the slightest of network in that goddam cell phone Lucas or I swear to god!" Mum told him with the 'Mom eyes'.
Lucas gulped down and nodded, a scared look on his face. "Okay damn mom."
Mum then changed her gaze to me, and it softened. "And you," She pointed at me. "Would you like to accompany him?"
I knew Lucas wanted to go alone so I shook my head, denying the offer.
"Bye guys," He mumbled to us with a small smile and then he slid close the van door and walked away, disappearing into the moonlight.
"Nick if something happens to my son I will murder you." Mum said with a furious face and tears streaming down her face.
"Amelia," Dad stared with a soft voice. "He's gonna be okay, okay? We raised him to know the rights from the wrongs." He said as he pecked mums lips.
"Uh kids in the back." Ryan muttered obnoxiously, making mum and dad break their kiss with a chuckle.
I silently smiled to myself as dad started the engine of the van with the flick of his key.
That sounded like something Lucas would say.
I remembered something and checked my phone.
I opened the texts messages to see that Tyler still didn't see my text.
I sighed, hoping nothing bad happened to my best friend.
I leaned my head back onto the window as I placed my phone back into my pocket.
The moon danced merrily along with the stars as they put the blanket of darkness below them. It was like they were putting their darkness away in order to glow.
Kinda like putting a traumatic past behind to start a new life.
But I had no traumatic past, I'm happy with life at is now tho we may need some improvement.
The road was as straight as dried spaghetti. It took seconds for the eye to travel it's length across the prairie until it melted into the dark black night in the far distance, but they knew it would not carry them there like a friend, it would beat on their feet with every step and lie there in it's silent monotony refusing to engage their minds.
Dad silently hummed —the only sound aside from the wind that was in the car. Everyone was really tired, we've had a long day and it's past twelve. The only thing I wanted to do no was fall asleep.
"How long would it take?" Ryan a silently mumbled as his eyes drooped down.
"An hour, go to sleep. I'll wake you up when we arrive." Mum said to him with a smile.
Blake kept his eyes open, I could tell there was a lot of things going through his minds that I wouldn't understand. It was probably on Lucas. Blake truly adored and loved Lucas, that was something I was sure of. Ryan was close to them too but Blake and Lucas had another level of relationship, guess that's why it sucks to be the middle triplet.
The night sky made me wanna fall asleep to its secureness, I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up.
I closed my eyes and let sleep take over me.
-
My eyes fluttered open
We were puling into our drive way when I awoke from my slumber. I adjusted to the light emiting from our driveway and blinked my eyes a few times and rubbed it ;as I let out a tired yawn.
"Oh you're up," Dad looked over his shoulder and smiled at me as he got the van keys out of the ignition.
I nodded as I stretched my arms.
I shifted my gaze to my mother who walked out the van and over to Blake's door. She slid open the door and patted Blake's cheeks lovingly. "Baby wake up." She murmured to him as she kissed his forehead.
Blake stirred in his sleep as his curls bounced up and down.
Mum then turned to Ryan. "Ryan honey, baby wake up."
Ryan grumbled something and woke up with a jolt. "Huh? Lucas?"
He was dreaming of Lucas.
"No baby it's mum." She gently ruffled his hair.
"W-where's Lucas?" He mumbled groggily as he rubbed his eyes and sat up.
"He hasn't called me once..." Mum mumbled with worry as she looked over at dad.
"Oh he's fine," He shook his hand and the pointed to a lit room upstairs. "His bedroom light is on, he's home."
"Thank f*cking god." She muttered in relief.
"Language maman." Blake smirked as he walked to the front door.
Mom rolled her eyes with a small smile gracing on her lips.
Dad turned off the ignition and looked at me in the back seat with a frown while I looked at the huge circular shaped moon on the outside the van window. "You know..." He started. "We're all here for you." He timidly smiled at me.
my gaze shot to him, I tried to smile but I couldn't. "Thanks," I muttered as I got up from my seat, slid open the door, and hopped out of the car.
Dad sighed and walked out of the car too but I was already near the front door, where mum was trying to put- no force the key in.
"Mom-" Blake started but she payed no attention as she continued to jam to key in the key hole painfully.
All of us except mum scrunched our face in pain and discomfort while mum had a determined one.
"Mom you're-" Ryan said but was immediately cut off with mum's grunts, trying to get the key in.
Mum's face was now red, her cheeks were puffed out, her veins were prominent on her hands, her eyebrows were furrowed, her face was scrunched was in determination and a mix of anger and annoyance, and her forehead was creased.
"Mum!" I yelled out -I was getting irritated- and she stopped to look at me. "That's the key to your car!" I closed my eyes and held the bridge of my nose.
Mum stopped immediately and looked down at her key that was now jabbed in a weird shape. She chuckled uncomfortably and scratched her neck sheepishly. "Oh wow...well that's something. Looks like I'm getting clumsy." She chuckled as she quickly stuffed her key away and grabbed the right key this time.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes —I was far too tired to deal with this right now.
Mum finally opened the door and I was the first one to walk in. I let out a sigh and took of my shoes and headed to check up on Lucas.
Today was a very tiring and long day.
I climbed to the top of my top my stairs and walked to Lucas' room.
I stood in front of his door and took a deep breath and knocked on his door, patiently waiting for him to open up.
I kept my hand behind my back and rocked on the balls of the heel of my feet. I furrowed my eyebrows in slight concern when no one opened up.
"Lucas?" I called out gently.
No response.
"Lucas?" I called out again, moving closer and closer to the door until I was holding the door handle tight in my hand.
"Lucas, If you don't open up I will barge in and I swear to god if I see you in your underwear I will not hesitate to kill you!" I roared as I turned the door handle only for it to be locked.
I turned the door handle up and down thinking of the possibility that it might be jammed —but no.
It was locked.
"Lucas! Open the door!"
"Lucas!" I banged on his door. "Open up this instance!"
I sighed as I banged the door harder. "If you won't then I'll..." I thought for a bit. "I'll break your door down!" I hollered.
No response.
"Fine!" I roared starting to walk away. "You asked for it!"
I walked back quite aa distance and trailed my arms around and crashed into the wooden door with full force.
"Hiya b*tch!" I hollered like a ninja as I crashed against his door, causing me to fall down and hit my head against his carpeted floor.
"Owww..." I grumbled under my breath as I laid there on the floor on the side of my if right cheek and my chest plummeted on the ground.
"I should not have done that." I seethed under my breath as I grit my teeth in pain and held my right arm in my left hand.
I stood up and dusted myself while I winced in pain as I did so. I looked around the empty bedroom with no sight of the blond haired boy anywhere near.
'He's probably in the bathroom.' I thought as I walked to his bathroom and knocked on the door.
"Lucas?" I called out.
Again, no response.
I opened the door and thank god it was unlocked.
"Hey Lu-" I stopped in the middle of my sentence as my eyes widened at the sight in front of me.
All of my makeup —my concealer, my skin blending cream, my skin powder, and etc, were all lied down on the toilet seat's lid.
But what really caught my eyes was the Scar Camouflaging Kit lying on the floor.
Beside a razor with dry blood.
I widened my eyes as my breath hitched in my throat as memories flashed back like a tidal wave.
I wanted to run and never come back again.
I thought that was a chapter I left behind me.
I shook my head, snapping myself out of it as I leaped over the door that I broke and sprinted to my room.
As soon as I got there I slammed the door shut, locked it, and leaned my back against it as my chest heaved up and down.
Yeah I got my door fixed.
Why was I panicking? I've been clean for over a year now.
And I'm proud of myself for it.
I was so scared that I didn't notice that my bedroom window —the one that lead to the roof— was open.
The wind blew through my room with a powerful passion, scattering my homework pages as if they were the leaves of fall and banging the doors as if they were its chaotic drum beat - the marching band of one without fingers or hands, sending shivers going down my spine.
My curtains were trailing across the wall as if to slap it.
I don't remember leaving that window open.
I furrowed my eyebrows and walked closer to my window to close it —thinking nothing more of it.
'I probably just left it open by accident and forgot to close it' I thought.
But of course, I was proven wrong but sniffles emiting from my roof.
Panick fled through me as I widened my eyes in unison I poked my head put of my window and sighed quietly as I caught the sight of the broken boy who sat there on thr roof, crying.
I had never seen any of my brothers I cry —well except when they were six and they all bumped their heads and bruised themselves playing WWE with the neighbours cats.
Long story short, they had sh*t load of scratches and bruises
I sighed and crossed the window, leading me to the other side. The other side being the roof.
I stood there with my hands in the pockets of my sweater and looked straight ahead at the crescent yellow moon that had formed.
Lucas probably didn't notice me standing there because he was still wailing silently.
He had his face inside his feet as he hugged them firmly with one of his arm —so firm that they were almost as white as snow and the other one covering his hand, trying to cover all his screams, sobs, and whimpers, but a few chocked sobs managed to slip out. His hair was a chaotic mess, strands of it sticking out in different directions. His jeans were dark in tears as they slowly began to drench.
From his state, I could tell that he's been crying non-stop for over an hour.
"How long?" Was the first thing I said when I was beside him, as the wind blew in my hair, my hands tucked in my pockets and my eyes staring straight at the moon.
It must've startled him because he immediately jolted up and looked around with salty tears furiously streaming down his now pale face one by one with no remorse to stop.
He remained silent for a moment before answering. "Four and a half months." He answered, he sounded embarrassed.
I suck in a cold breath. "If I were you I would've cleaned up the bathroom better to not leave any trace." I shifted my gaze over to him but my face still faced the moon.
He suck in a breath. "It w-wouldn't have mattered an-anyways, no one cares."
I fought the urge to say I did.
"But I found it," I muttered as memories flashed through my eyes like a racing car. "Wish I didn't." I mumbled under my breath as I quickly averted my gaze back to the moon.
"You've been cutting for so long yet you still don't know how to hide the traces." I shook my head and clicked my tongue repeatedly at him.
"Hey! My arms and thighs get sour! And they hurt so bad that sometimes I just pass out there and have a good sleep and wake up twenty seven hours later with dried blood and tear everywhere." He argued back with a hoarse voice.
"You didn't have a choice!" I hissed at him as I looked at him sharply. "You passed out because you lost blood you idiot!" I hissed. "And you know that damn well. So don't you dare f*ck with me Lucas."
Yes I was mad, but I only was because he was taking his cuts and scars so lightly and making excuses about it as if to make the situation better.
"Are you pissed at me?" He asked, vulnerability laced in his voice.
I sat down beside him and tugged on my hair and then dragged my hands through my face in frustration before putting them down all together on my sides. "No," I sighed. "I'm pissed at myself." I grumbled.
He sniffles and creased his eyebrows to look at me with a confused look. "You? At yourself? Why?"
I finally built up the courage to look him in the eye. His eyes were red and puffy, with dark black circles surrounding it. It made me break a little on the inside and I wanted to look away but I knew I shouldn't —no matter how much I wanted too.
"The signs," I let a breath out. "T-they were so clear but I ignored them! The long sweatshirts, the red stain on your sleeve that my dumba*s always thought was ketchup, the excuse that you weren't feeling well enough to go to school so you can cut even more, the look in your eyes, the fight you were putting up with! I ignored it all!" I tore my gaze away from him and slammed my head into my hands. I shot my head up and looked at the moon. "And now! Because of me! Your self harm is worse!" I exclaimed. "If only I noticed!" I grumbled.
This was all my fault.
Lucas shook his head. "No," He said to me. "It isn't," He muttered as tears poured from his heavy glossy eyes. "But everyone knows I deserved it." He grumbled. "I hate myself."
I fought the urge to smack his face. "B*tch shut the f*ck up." I scrunched my face of disapproval at him. "It isn't and you and I both no it ain't."
He opened his mouth to say something but I beat him to it. "I know I know, that's what everyone says but I swear," I looked at him with sincerity in my eyes. "There is no bigger person other than you that deserve this. You're a great kid, a great athlete, a great student council president, a great player —heck you change girls faster than we change our tampons!" I joked causing him to break out in a grin which caused me to smile too. "See?" I nudged him with my elbow with a slight smile on my face. "I could write a whole damn book as to why you don't deserve to hate yourself and the things you do to yourself."
"Why your seem to know a lot about this? How?" He said with a joking tone and a small smile, but I could see the seriousness and concern in his eyes.
"Well," I chuckled in amusement."Everyone has their own secrets." I murmured as I raised my sleeves up and showed him my arm that were littered with old cuts and scars.
He widened his eyes at that and his mouth was left agape.
I rolled my eyes but had a amusing smile on my lips. "What's depression without a bit self harm?"
"A 'bit'?!" He roared.
"Elainy what the literal f*ck?!" He grabbed my arm immediately and checked each one of my bruise with full concentration, checking each little speck and detail.
I chuckled, making the humour out of this situation as I took my arms back. "So about the walk-"
He looked at me with hurt and furrowed eyebrows, he wiped his tears, suck in a breath and cut me off. "No no no! Don't change the topic! When did you cut?" He asked sternly
I waved my arms dismissively. "Chillax mah dude," I chuckled. "It's been over a year now."
"Did you tell anyone?"
I scoffed. "Why would I tell anyone? I'm not stupid!"
"Elainy!" He began sternly. Wasn't I the one that's supposed to be lecturing him? "You should've told someone! You could've gotten the help you needed!"
I chuckled as I clocked my head to look at him. "Says you."
He sighed and put his face into his hands and let out a groan.
"So," I began as I looked back at the moon. "Why were you crying?" I asked.
he muttered something but I didn't hear a word he said.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Excuse me what?"
He muttered something —this time louder but I didn't hear a word.
He shot his head up with tears streaming down his face. "I'm a disappointment!" He roared as he continued to sob and tore his gaze away from me.
I know he didn't mean to yell at me, he's just frustrated, so I let it slide.
For the first time I let my emotions take over me and I looked at him with pity and sadness.
"N-now why would you say that?"
He sighed. "Didn't you see mom and dad's reactions? They looked so disappointed at me! At us!" His voice cracked as tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Look," I started as I hesitantly placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "They weren't disappointed at us, they were disappointed in themselves." I murmured.
"We both know that's a lie!" He screamed into his hands.
I gently took my hand away from him and kept it to myself and didn't say anything.
He sighed. "I'm such a weak f*cking pussy."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "No you're not-"
"I am!" He roared, cutting me off. "First I am mentally disabled! And then-"
This time I cut him off. "There is no shame in having a mental illness. You didn't choose to struggle. It's not your fault."
He stayed silent, as if processing my words before he broke down in his hands again.
"And now I'm crying like a weakling." He sniffled.
I furrowed my eyebrows and hit his shoulder lightly. "Hey! There's nothing wrong with crying and expressing your feelings."
He sniffled. "Crying is pathetic and very childish, I'm a man." He wiped his tears and pressed his eyes to stop himself from crying.
"Hey!" I said softly as I placed my hand back on his shoulder. "Crying is very manly." I mumbled as I rubbed comforting circles on his shoulder.
He stopped pressing his eyes and blinked a few times before looking at me with those red orbs. "R-really?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'd personally go for guys who are very expressive of themselves and their feelings, someone like Harry Styles." I nodded before I widened my eye and cursed under my breath.
"Damn it Olivia!" I hissed under my breath.
I looked up to see Lucas confused. "Olivia is rubbing of on me with her Harry Styles and One Direction obsession." I rolled my eyes.
Lucas furrowed his eyebrows and confusion etched across his face. "Who's Olivia?"
"Oh uh— she's a friend of mine." I nodded. "I really like her, she's really nice."
He nodded aat me and looked away and at the moon.
a few minutes of silence passed by —the both of us looking at the moon.
"There's this party," He started. "At Claire's house," He took a pause before continuing. "I'm gonna go there." He murmured as he stood up causing m to take my hands away and dusting himself.
I furrowed my eyebrows in disapproval. "Are you crazy?! no! Absolutely not Lucas!" I shook my head as I stood up in unison. "You're not okay right now! Going out to a party should be the last thing on your mind!"
"Exactly Elainy!" He looked me dead straight in the eye. "I'm not okay! That's why I need to get high to forget everything!"
"Did you not hear Amanda?!" I yelled. "She told you not to drugs or drink alcohol!"
"That b*tch is like forty! She doesn't know sh*t about what it feels to be like a teenager in my place at seventeen!" He yelled just as loud.
I stayed quiet, he was right.
"Lucas I just want you to be happy!" I argued back calmly.
He looked at me with sadness in his eyes as he stayed silent for a moment before speaking.
"What if being high is the only way I am happy...?"
When I didn't say anything he started speaking. "Just this one time,"He murmured. "I need to blow off some steam..."
I stayed silent for a moment as I bit my lip. "What time are you gonna be back?" I murmured.
He shrugged. "As long as it takes me to be happy and forget everything."
I sighed as I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose with one hand. "Be back before three." I stated sternly as I opened my eyes again to look him in the eyes.
He smiled but then turned serious. "Don't tell anyone, okay?"
I nodded. "What if they ask where you are?"
He thought for a bit. "Just tel them I'm in my room or something, if they wanna go in tell them I wanna be alone and I'd appreciate it if they'd respect that." He nodded at me.
"Oh uh— sure!" I nodded way too quickly.
It's not like I broke down his door down or anything.
He nodded. "Okay that's settled." He mumbled as he looked around.
"I best be on my way." He mumbled as he stepped on a tree branch of the tree that was connected to my roof and led to the backyard.
He gave me a tight smile and climbed down the tree.
"Hey Lucas?" I called down as he was about to walk away.
He looked up at me. "Hm?" He hummed.
"Every night um- when everyone is asleep, can we just come here to the roof and talk?"
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Talk."
"T-that is if you want to." I fumbled.
He nodded and flashed me a small smile. "Sure, I'd like that."
I returned the gesture and waved to him. "Bye." I mumbled.
He gave me a small wave before stuffing his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. "Bye."
And with that he walked away from my sight, a few minutes later I heard the engine of car roaring from a distance before driving away.
I sighed as I turned around and climbed back through my window and laid down on my bed, staring at my ceiling.
I had a feeling this was gonna be a long night.
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Hi! It was my birthday a few days ago, so sorry that I wasn't able to update! But yay! Lucas and Elainy are bonding! Woohoo!
My chapters have gotten so depressing lately...woah, am I really that depressing?
To make it up, next chapter is going to be hilarious!
Y'all are gonna need tissue for the next chapter because you're gonna be laughing so much it'll make your stomach hurt!
Okay I'll shut up now.
I hope you enjoyed!
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(600 votes for the next chapter!!)
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