-Kaisa-
The sun never shines here, but sometimes the people we surround ourselves with would shine brighter than the sun ever could.
What a load of bullshit.
The memory disrupts my thoughts as I walk up the familiar steps which are barely recognizable from the lack of care it received over the years. I pull a pin out of my bag and get to work, unlocking the hidden door while trying to keep quiet. The last thing I need right now is to bring attention to where I am, and where I'm trying to enter.
It'd been just under a month since my last encounter with the Survey Corps, but only recently did I return to see if this place was still in relatively good condition. I spent the rest of my time living in abandoned houses since the last thing I wanted to do was return to this hellhole. Unfortunately, it became clear there was someone tracking me. I'm a bit insulted they sent such a sloppy spy to watch over me and keep tabs on me, especially since they had no obligation to do so.
Thus, in desire to escape that treacherous lifestyle of being consistently monitored, I came back here—the place I used to call home.
After a bit of shuffling, the lock clicks and I've made it in. I sneak through the small door and lock the handle behind me before sliding through the small corridor. I grit my teeth as the ground is so incredibly dirty, but I'm not surprised considering it's been a few months since I've been here.
Here being, my first home.
I slide through completely and open another door to the hidden house, stepping down from the high entry way onto a shelf I placed months ago. It's been a while since I've set foot in here.
Once on the floor of the kitchen, I take a breather and pull out a lantern I bought at the marketplace before I made my visit. The room lights up the moment I turn up the dial, so I place it down on the dusty kitchen table, lighting up the candles with the matches I prepared months before I arrived.
Soon, the small house was lit up completely, and finally, I had returned to my childhood home.
After Kenny brought me to the surface and "gifted" me a passport, I waited a few years before returning to the house my parents died in. When I did come back, the bodies were gone, but the blood stained the carpets we barely could afford and I couldn't bear to look at it any longer. Consequently, I got rid of the rugs, saved up, bought some wooden panels and learned how to install them myself. To be honest, the first time around, it was a shit job, but as I continued, I got better.
The only time I came here before joining the Survey Corps was during the winter when it got too cold to be on the streets above the underground. Every six months after I joined the Survey Corps, I'd come to do some maintenance while also making sure no one had discovered my place and ransacked it. Thankfully, as time went on, I brought items like blankets, canned foods, and candles.
Even though these things were prepared, I wanted to avoid the reality of myself returning to the lifestyle I once escaped from. My pride aches the moment I recognize this reality as my own. Regardless, I keep my head up high and prepare myself to stay here for goodness knows how long. Throwing the bag filled with my belongings on the floor, I fall unto my futon, letting out a sigh.
It's already evening, and the small window I've made by making a hole in the wall lets the moon's light into the room. Since my candles are ablaze, I grab an extra stone slab and shove it into the gap so nobody would see the light radiating from within. I walk into the small washroom with a candle and look towards the little sunroof I constructed to use the water that falls from the sky. Initially, this didn't exist. I had to dig from the topside before attaching a mesh in the middle to filter the water that fell.
Overall, I'm pretty proud of how handy I got over the years. But I'd be lying if I said I ever actually planned on living here once more. I detest the underground. I hate the practices done here to survive, which is why I chose to be homeless above the ground over a safe home here.
I sit on the futon I managed to grab from the marketplace for a cheap price six years ago, watching the dust dance in the air as I do. With another sigh, I stand up and dust the futon completely before sweeping around doing maintenance. After that's done, I blow out all of the candles and finally lay my head to rest.
This cycle continues for a month.
Eventually, I became tired of being alone. But even if I'm alone, I'm proud that I haven't needed to go above ground to get any essentials, but alas, the time has come. I've run out of toothpaste, which is surprising to say the least.
Leaving my mini house, I head out to the lower markets to purchase some other things I needed for my place. The regular threats thrown at me from people didn't bother me—I knew they came from insecurity. Part of me was conflicted; I don't want to live the rest of my life in hiding from the Survey Corps, and I sure as hell don't want to be stuck underneath here forever.
The other part, however, was completely content with being by myself and away from everyone else. It's only about time until Levi will try to look for me before giving up. There's no way he knows about how the underground works, at least, it doesn't seem like it. Many people talked about his rough past, but none of the rumours ever concerned me. Although I did wish to know more about that side of him, I never really felt it was necessary to know those stories in order to care for him.
The trip to the surface didn't take long, and soon enough, I'm back in the underground, heading home.
I click my tongue and begin navigating to my hidden entrance which is located near the outskirts of the underground—a place where people barely went because of its rocky terrain. It was difficult to be quiet around here, especially since most of the trails were pure gravel. Anyone who wanted to stay here and survive needed to be agile and conscious of their surroundings, which is why I'm surprised someone has been able to keep quiet for so long while following me.
I stop in my tracks and turn around.
"You can come out now." I call out.
Silence.
"Tch. It's no fun if you don't come out." I tease again.
Once again, there is no response.
Rolling my eyes, I begin to head back to my house, knowing that I'd kill anyone who'd come close. I don't hear footsteps behind me, so I decide I'm not going to entertain this chase any longer. As expected, nothing is following me once I turn to close the final door to the house. I go on about my day per usual, not paying any attention to whatever happened earlier today. Even if they did come in, I have no worry that I'd be able to kick their ass.
The only people I do think about are my first squad, the trio, and Hang--well, at least the ones I think about in a positive light. Of course I miss my comfortable mattress and the way the light confidently shines through the window of my room, but this distance was warranted. Maybe this is a sign that I need to learn how to build a bedframe and purchase a better mattress.
And another evening passes quietly.
The next morning, I head outside to catch some fresh air since the circulation inside my little hole isn't the best. I'm a bit surprised I haven't sensed any other presences near me since the following last night, but I'm also not sure if they've gathered a group with them to eliminate me.
Actually, that'd be kinda fun!
Once I step outside my outer door, I almost step on a letter addressed to my name. I immediately take caution to this, so I examine my surroundings before grabbing a pole nearby and flipping it over. Goodness knows what this letter entails, however, another close look tells me this writing is familiar.
Eren's writing?
I sigh, a bit frustrated I experienced a mini heart attack for no reason. Picking up the letter, I head back inside my tiny home once again, flipping the envelope around to see the wax seal of the Survey Corps.
So much for heading out today to get some fresh air.
Biting my lip, I flop on my futon and carefully open the message. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, knowing that my heart strings are going to be pulled once I read the words of my beloved friends.
I pull the paper out of its envelope and unfold it, seeing the message for me.
Kaisa,
It's been a while, hasn't it?
To be honest, I'm a bit offended that you think you had the high ground to just up and leave while leaving the rest of us to die. You really think you're that heroic, aren't you? I'm disappointed. I know that Levi and Erwin gave you a hard time, but the Kaisa I know would have sucked it up and done everything in her power to prove them wrong for the goal of humanity's freedom.
Now I'm stuck, alone, dealing with my own issues. But you know what? I'll do it without you. I'll figure out how to save humanity without having Humanity's Tempest by my side and I'll get a name for myself. I'll prove you wrong. I'll prove to you that even when things don't go my way, I can still win. At least I'd know that I didn't lose by default.
That being said, I don't necessarily want to do it without you.
It'd be easier, and Mikasa won't stop talking about you which has to mean something since she barely talks in the first place.
Plus, Captain Levi's been even more strict than usual—and not in the good way.
I have no idea what's been up with him, but ever since you've left, he hasn't been in the common area. He only leaves his room when necessary and whenever asked to spend time in the dining area, he claims to have paperwork.
Clearly, it's because of you.
I don't know the exact details, but what I do know is that you two were basically tied at the hip--and you didn't hate it. You two were always asking for each other, wondering where the other was, or if the other was okay.
You were the one person Levi acknowledged as his equal and partner.
I toss crumple the letter and throw it across the floor in rage without finishing it.
Emotional manipulation aside, how the fuck did this letter even get to me?
Levi was probably the one following me yesterday.
I sigh in frustration before reaching forward to grab the crumpled paper, shuffling around on my futon while opening it again.
If you don't want to come back, fine. I frankly don't understand what could be the best revenge besides proving your innocence and acting as a third party. You know for a fact that they'd take you in as a third party—we need all the help we can get, especially if it's Humanity's Tempest.
If you don't, fine. I don't want to see you again if that's the case; you can live in the society I'll create rent-free.
If you don't, then who knows what'll happen with the Survey Corps.
You should have known by now that you were the glue that holds it together.
Eren
P.S. Levi is going to realise that this isn't the letter I showed him so this message would be approved to be sent. Hopefully you find it by then.
I can't help but snicker at the last sentences; this kid was something else, but at least he'll get away with it considering they have no other choice for humanity.
Besides that, hearing about Levi made me irrationally angry.
Out of all people, he has the audacity to be upset as if he wasn't the reason everything went to shit? Maybe it's the guilt eating him alive or maybe it's the fact that he realised that he got his knickers in a twist so far that it went up his ass.
I don't know if the others are aware of what happened that day. I honestly don't want to know either, probably because I've seen how silencing works in the Survey Corps. They've probably made up a story to the majority of people on how I've left or have an untreatable injury which prevents me from being on the frontlines. Better yet, they've probably said they've sent me to the interior to be the King as his guard since I probably still had the potential to guard him in my condition.
It makes me nauseous to think of possible excuses, but I'll never know if anything happened unless I go back to see it.
But I don't think I can ever go back after that embarrassing confrontation on top of the wall.
I don't know if I want to go back.
At the same time, I know they need me.
At the same time, I know that if I don't fight with them, they're sending soldiers to their deaths.
At the same time, I know that my two trios won't have the support they deserve when they fight for their freedom.
Fuck.
Eren is definitely good at getting people worked up and pumped for whatever he wants, even if he is a suicidal maniac.
But if I go back, what do I say to them?
What do I demand from them?
Would I even be respected by them?
I rest my head in my hands, grabbing a fistful of hair in frustration.
I know why I don't want to go back, but not even the voice inside my head wants to admit it. I don't want to face the music and confront the only reason why I'd rather rot in the underground than breathe the air above; the only reason why I'd willingly hide from the sun's gorgeous rays; the only reason I'd strip myself from the prime years of my life.
Who knew a 5'3 man could do so much collateral damage in the span of literal days?
Why was I not enough for him?
I'd never say those words aloud.
And I hate myself for feeling this way.
I'm tired of having the same regrets haunt me every single morning when I wake up, only to be freed from them for a few hours if I don't experience these regrets through my own dreams.
I'm exhausted from the self-deprecating thoughts that weigh on my shoulders and keep me from standing straight.
I've been held hostage by my own internal monologue, deafened to the other characteristics that prove these thoughts wrong. My character is lost amongst these dysmorphic, self-pitying thoughts which distort my own self-confidence.
By which means am I defined?
I no longer know.
If anything, I regret that I longed to be known.