I made chestnut, and red bean mooncakes. Two different flavors of mooncakes. And I know...I know the question running in your heads and the answer to that is yes, I know how to make those damn mooncakes! I have been making them since I was a young boy, helping my Mama and GrandMa in the kitchen. So yes, I do know how to make mooncakes! Damn it!
(Why are you using exclamation points on us? We didn't say anything...)
You don't have to say anything, I know all of you. I know you think I am nothing but an airhead whiner who does nothing but complain and bitch around while moaning at Qing to console me.
(We don't think like that.)
Oh...really. Then it must just be me. I took an assessment test online and that was about the biggest mistake I have ever done. The test result basically called me a whiny baby and I whined about it to Qing, who instead of consoling me...confiscated my laptop and told me that I am not allowed to take online personality tests ever again.
Which, to be honest, consoled me more than Qing hugging me...
No, wait...erase that...I will still take Qing hugging me over anything everyday and every time. I love warm hugs like Olaf.
Anyhow...where were we?
(The mooncakes...)
Ah right, the mooncakes. I made several batches of them so I can give some away to my neighbors and friends. And when I said neighbors and friends, I meant the Goddess and her daughter from the unit across from us.
For some reason...I just couldn't befriend or meet the occupants of the two other units in our floor. Which is weird but then there are so many weird things in this world so I guess that is not something phenomenal.
I mean...take this for example, ingrown nails.
(What? Why are we...how did we end up with ingrown nails from talking about mooncakes?)
Bear with me.
So ingrown nails, why does it occur and why for such a small thing...it is so painful. By the heavens...something that small shouldn't matter really. But no, ingrown nails could swell, collect puss and be infected. And it hurts like a bitch. I am talking with expertise on this because I experienced it just last week.
It hurts. It really hurts.
Anyways, where are we again?
(Mooncakes. But after the ingrown nail talk, we lost our appetite for it...)
Nonsense. I always have appetites for mooncakes. I love them. And Qing understood really well why I love them.
Qing: Of course you love it. Its sweet baked goods. Those are your only requirements for loving something. It has to be sweet and baked. Hence why you love cakes, cupcakes, muffins, cream puffs and cookies.
Me: Oh but my ultimate love...which is donuts, are not baked...
Qing: (scowling in exasperation) Don't get me started on donuts.
Me: But donuts...
Qing: (eyes narrowing) I said...don't get me started on donuts.
Me: (pouting) You are grumpy. Anyways, do you want to help me make mooncakes?
Qing: (blanching) Is that a real question? Do you really want me to help you make mooncakes?
Me: (laughing) Of course...not! (frowning) I don't want you near the kitchen while I am making mooncakes. You are one unreliable kitchen assistant when I made them before.
Qing: (sighing) I'm the unreliable assistant? Why not tell the truth? That I am still traumatized that last time I helped you make mooncakes. You almost killed me.
(Omona...)
Me: (scoffing) Such exaggeration. I didn't do that.
Qing: You threw the rolling pin at me.
Me: (flinching defensively) I didn't throw it at you. It slipped my hand while I was pounding the dough and it flew at you. See the difference? It slipped from my hand, not that I threw it at you. Sure, it almost gave you blunt force trauma but it will be unintentional.
Qing: Will that be your defense in front of the judge if that flying rolling pin did manage to kill me?
Me: (nodding) Probably. I will say, your honor...the rolling pin that slipped from my hand did indeed killed my boyfriend when it embedded in his skull but have you tried my mooncakes? Its to die for. You could ask Qing...oh wait, he is dead. But I didn't kill him intentionally. I might have fantasize murdering him several times, like that time he called me smelly, long story, but I never acted on those fantasies. Why? Because I loved the man so much, so what happened was pure accident and my mooncakes are really to die for. Qing just did it literally. So sad...
Qing: (deadpanned) I wish they sentence you with lifetime solitary imprisonment.
Me: Your honor, and my dear jury, may I call my star witness. She will tell you how much I loved Qing. She knows because she loved him from hell and back too. I want to call Mrs.Wang to the stand. Yes, I want to call the victim's mother to the witness stand...
Qing: You heartless bastard. You already off her son with a rolling pin and you will still use her as your star witness?
Me: (proudly) I don't want to go to jail. I will not survive in that place.
Anyways...where are we again?
(Mooncakes!)
Right, mooncakes. So now that you know why Qing won't help me bake the mooncakes, we can now safely start on the process of making them.
But first, I called on the Goddess to tell her that I am making mooncakes and that I will probably take her and Candy some.
Goddess: Oh no! Your mooncakes are to die for but we are not at home. We are visiting my mother. Can you save me some?
Me: But they taste better when they are freshly made.
Goddess: True. Wait. Why don't we make mooncakes together when I get back? I will take care of gathering the ingredients. And by the way, when I said we, I meant you. I will only be there to eat them. I love your mooncakes.
Me: Alright, lets do that. Have fun there with your Mama.
Goddess: We will. See you when we get back.
Me: Okay.
When that call ended, I turned to Qing.
Me: Bad news, the Goddess is not here. She took Candy away to visit her mother. What should we do?
Qing: What do you mean what should we do? You could still make the mooncakes if you want.
Me: (shaking my head) No. No. I intend to make the mooncakes to share them with my neighbors and friends. Don't make a liar out of me, Qing. Find me a neighbor and a friend to receive my mooncakes.
Qing: Would you listen to yourself and hear how ridiculous that is? What do you want me to do? Knock on the other units and tell them you are giving away mooncakes...
I nodded without hesitation.
Qing: You've got to be kidding me.
Me: (shaking my head) No. I need a neighbor and a friend to receive my mooncakes. If you won't find me that person, I will make you assist me in making those goodies.
Upon hearing that, Qing put on his outdoor shoes to go outside to find me a neighbor and friend who will receive my mooncakes.
Goodness, he is making me think he is serious about that trauma he had when he helped me make mooncakes that one time.
(Dayu ah...we think Baba was indeed traumatized by that event...)
Nonsense. That couldn't be true. It was a moment with me, the man he loves. There's no moment in Qing's life that he spent with me that traumatized him. All his moments with me were full of love and affection.
(The balcony, the couch...the snowy meadow...)
Okay...almost. Almost all his moments with me were full of love and affection. And we will stop at that.
One hour later...Qing came back, with a disgruntled looking Jin in tow.
Qing: (pushing Jin to stand in front of me) Here, a neighbor and a friend.
Me: (eyebrow rising) He is not my friend.
Qing: Tough shit...he is all you'll have on such short notice. He lives one block away so he constitute as a neighbor. Be satisfied with that.
Me: (pouting) You could've called ZhiMing. He is my friend.
Qing: (uneasily) I...ah...might have told ZhiMing about the mooncake incident.
Jin: (looking alarmed) What mooncake incident?
Qing: (wincing at his friend) It will be fine.
Jin: How will it be fine when you almost blackmailed me just to get me here?
Qing: Don't be like that. I asked you to support me. As my longtime friend.
Jin: (looking at me) Fine. But before anything else, what is this mooncake incident?
So I told him about the mooncake fiasco. Jin blanched and the color of his face rescinded a little. He turned away from me.
Jin: I...ah...forgot that I have to do something and that I shouldn't be here.
Qing: (holding on to his friend) You cannot leave. Remember...(whispering on Jin's ear)
I don't know what Qing is whispering to Jin but I'm guessing it is not good because Jin's face turned sour. Must be the blackmail material Qing used to get Jin here.
Jin: (flinching) You are a jerk, Wang Qing. A real jerk. You deserve everything Dayu has ever done to you.
Qing: I know. But you once said you are willing to die with me.
Jin: That was before I met LiPin. Now I want to live and continue dating her, thank you very much.
Me: (bored tone) Are you two done bickering like an old married couple? Because I have mooncakes to make and giveaway.
Qing: Go on, Love. Make those mooncakes. Jin will surely love them.
Me: (smiling at Jin) I fully expect that. Some people said my mooncakes are to die for.
I turned and walked towards the kitchen as I listen to Jin's worries.
Jin: (behind my back) It is not literal, right? Dayu is not out to poison me with mooncakes...
Qing: No. Don't worry. It'll be fine. I got Dayu a smaller pin. It won't be able to kill us even if he intentionally throw it at us.
They are full of bullshits. I went to the kitchen and started making my mooncakes.
Once they were done...
(Wait...they were done already? You didn't even told us the step by step procedure of making them and the recipe...)
What? All this time you are all expecting me to give away my mooncake recipe? That's insane. No! I would never share my mooncake recipe. Its a family secret. The only people who knows how to make our "to die for" mooncakes are my GrandMa, Mama, Uncles and Aunts. And of course, me and my cousins.
Its a family secret.
And as expected, Jin fell in love with my mooncakes.
Jin: (while munching on one) What's the recipe, Dayu? These are good.
Me: (smiling sweetly at him) I can tell you, but I have to kill you afterwards. Its a secret. So never ask for the recipe again. Do you understand?
Jin and Qing swallowed hard before nodding obediently.
Mooncakes, anyone? Its to die for.