Yellow!! Look a super early update! Like whaaaat?! *hi five to myself* =P
So liked the little cliffhanger in the last chapter? :P I loved reading every single comment, from a simple 'Whyyyyy?' to the long ones. All of them were awesome to read. I loved your reactions. Thank you all for commenting and hope you do the same after reading this chapter toooooo.
Alright, the chapter is a little shorter than the rest of the recent ones but an interesting one. Or so I hope =P
Anyway, hope you like it.
Play the song in the video section. Kind of perfectly goes along with the first part. =)
Enjoy ♥
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I had screwed up. Big time.
"What is happening?" Dad called after me as I ran out of the house, grabbing my keys. All the loud rushing around had brought him out of his room.
"Dad, I...I- I need to, I really..." I mumbled as I turned around to answer him, but it soon it became clear I wasn't in a state to.
Dad got a hold of my shoulders to steady me. He stared down at me, a worry deep in his eyes. "Norah, what-"
I couldn't bring myself to care enough about his questions right now, so I cut him in mid-sentence, "Dad, I need to go. Please."
His hands still clamped on my shoulders, he turned to Nathan, who hadn't moved an inch from his spot since the last ten minutes, his eyes staring hard at the ground. "Nathan?"
"Please, let her go," Nate answered, his voice just mere decibels over what counts as a whisper.
Still completely puzzled, dad once again looked at me but then did as he was told.
And then I sprinted towards my car, as fast as my legs could manage. With the keys in ignition, I sped out of the driveway. I was almost at the speed limit, but it seemed like the roads had turned into never ending spirals.
I wasn't sure where he could have gone. Right now, his house was my best bet.
The surrounding was quiet but my head was in a chaos.
Why did this have to happen?
Everything was going to be perfect, I was going to tell Daniel, but now...
Why did I have to force Nate to do that?
Why did I ask him to picture me as Emma?
Why did he have to kiss me?
Why didn't I pull away?
And now how was I going to explain this to Daniel?
So many question, and currently I didn't have an answer to even a single one of them.
I just wanted to see him, even though I had no idea what I had to say for myself.
The front door of his house was wide open and his car was right there in the middle of the driveway. Without thinking even once, I barged inside the house, and made a beeline for the stairs.
My legs felt like lead as I ran up the steps, and my mind storming up with every worst case scenario possible.
Oh, god please help me. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him like this.
My hands were in balls, the nails digging deep, keeping me aware that this was all vey real.
I stopped in front of his door, with a sudden onset of fear inside. With shaky hands, I pushed the unlocked door.
The floor was covered in paper, several of them, lying scattered everywhere and a few of them lied where he was sitting, his back against the edge of his bed, hands clasped together and resting on his knees.
"Daniel..." I managed to choke out, still standing near the door.
"You shouldn't have come," his reply came.
It took me by surprise. He was too quiet, no sign of aggression in his voice.
I took a step towards him. "Daniel, I am so sorry. I ca-"
"Norah, please don't." He turned a little to look at me and the passiveness of his voice was mirrored in them too, but it wasn't the silence which came from peace. "Just don't."
I took a few tentative steps towards him. "Please, Daniel, just let me explain, please. Just once."
He kept his eyes on me as I sat on the floor too, facing him. "What do you have to explain?"
His behavior was scaring me, making me wonder if it was the calmness before the storm. "We didn't mean that to happen, Daniel. It was all a mistake. Nate was so sad and I didn't know...I only wanted him to...so I told him to think of me as Em and say what was on his mind and I know it sounds stupid and maybe it is but I don't know what happened there and he was crying and I..." I tugged on my hair. I was running out of breath, half of my words were mixing together. "And I am just sorry. That shouldn't have happened, but please you gotta see he didn't mean to-"
"I don't care why he kissed you," Daniel said, his tone balanced as ever. I stared blankly at him. "I just want to know why you let him."
I struggled for words.
What should I tell him? That I was too shocked to do anything? That would have been like the worst excuse.
Or that I didn't push Nathan away because I was scared of hurting him?
"I'm sorry, Daniel..." I whispered, practically begging him.
I took his hand in between mine, like that was going to help me somehow.
He looked at my hands holding his, then back at me. "If I had been in your place and you were in mine, do you think a sorry would have fixed it for you?"
"I know it's not enough. I know it does nothing and I know I messed up but please..." The reek of desperation was so strong in my words. But again they did nothing to his unaffected eyes.
He looked at the floor, scanning all the sheets of paper lying around and I waited for his reply but he remained silent.
"Say something," I breathed out. "Please..."
"I can't do this," he said, looking up, and the curtain of stillness was missing from his face. But he didn't look mad either.
He looked heartbroken.
His voice was tired, like years of distress rushing out all at once.
"I can't go through that. Not again," he repeated, words breaking with his voice.
My mind was already a mess and his words were confusing me even more. "What- what...again?"
"It was like an exact repeat of the day I saw you with Sebastian for the first time," he spoke, looking straight in my eyes. "Only today it feels worse."
I was still staring at him, while trying to understand what he was saying.
"I should go," he told me. "I need to get away from you."
He got up to leave but I stopped him by the hand. I wasn't giving up so easily. "Daniel, please don't do this. There has to be a way I could make it alright."
"You don't get it, do you?" He shook his head. "That is exactly what will happen if I stay any longer. I'll end up forgiving you. I'll end up convincing myself again that I can't possibly survive without you. And I don't wanna do that. I am tired of being the love struck fool all the time."
"Don't say that. It's not what it is," I argued.
"Isn't it? Isn't it how it always is? You push me away and yet I just cannot let you go." There was a sorrow in his eyes and I felt a knot in my throat as I looked in them. "Not this time, Norah."
"So what this is it? This is how you're going to end this?" I demanded, a rise in my voice.
And the same rise occurred in his too. "Do you think I wanted us to be together any less than you did? You've no idea, Norah. You can never even imagine for how long I've-" he paused, then took a deep breath. "But there's a limit to the hits I can take before it gets too much. Two years back, you came a changed person, I couldn't blame you. You said you didn't give a damn about me, I didn't blame you because you didn't know me. You kissed me and then ran away with just a stupid sorry, I still didn't. You assumed everything about me and Anya, I didn't blame you."
He took a break from talking, the little rile up in him dying down again. "And do you know the worst part is?" He asked softly. "Even today, I don't blame you. Because I know when it comes to you I am unable to see any reason. But I also know that I should, and that's why I need to leave. You always wanted to run away from me, right? Well, this is me telling you that you don't need to anymore. I am done with you."
His hand slipped away from my hold. I didn't do anything to stop him, because both inside and out, I felt limp. Still, I tried to muster up enough energy to say something. "You don't mean that."
"I do. I really do," he said, just a steps away from the door now. "You wanted to know about these stupid letters, right? They were all for you. Every single one of them, written long before you even probably knew my name. I was going to show them to you today."
What? What did he mean? How could he...
"And now I gave you the answer to your last unanswered question too. So from now on, I've nothing to ask, nothing to say to you."
"You think it would be so easy?" I asked with an undertone of challenge that I didn't necessarily intended. "That you'll be able to forget about me, and I will forget about you so easily like we never mattered for each other?"
"I never said it would be easy. It will be the hardest thing for me. I've loved you for god damn eight fucking years. And I know how much I'll try it's not going to go away, but I also want you to know that sometimes I wish I didn't. I wish I had the option of going back and not falling for you in the first place. Some times, I wish I never met you, Norah Bishop."
And then he left.
And I didn't have anything to say that could've stopped him. What could I've said to him anyway?
He wished that he could've never met me.
I didn't think anyone in the world had an answer to that.
I wasn't crying till yet. After everything that he had said, it was rather a surprise that I wasn't.
Or maybe that was because of the numbness that had taken over my body. I couldn't move my legs. I couldn't leave.
I looked at the ground where another one of the letters lied.
It was dated five years ago. I picked it up.
Dear little butterfly,
It's been long since I wrote one of these. How have you been?
Silly question, I know, I see you everyday. In fact I am writing this in the cafeteria as you sit three tables away from me, lost in a book, like always.
You're wearing that white dress that you wore on your birthday last month.
I think white suits you. Makes you look like a part of the winter outside, like a snow angel.
Did I tell you, you look really beautiful in that dress?
Just wanted you to know that.
So, anyway, remember Sharon and Liam? Well, yesterday they moved in with us.
It's weird...
I mean it's hard to explain. Sharon makes Dad happy, which he wasn't for a long time, and even Liam is not that insufferable, but I don't know, I just don't feel a part of this new family. I don't belong among them. So last night while all of them talked about their day, I just sat there wishing I wasn't there.
They would be better off without me. Everyone is.
If it weren't for me, James would still be alive and maybe he would have been different with mom if I wasn't there. And if I weren't there, dad wouldn't have to worry about his son who just doesn't fits in his world, his perfect family.
And it makes me wish sometimes that on that night, I should have been the one lying on the floor near the staircase, dying.
Would have ended it once and for all, saving me from feeling this shitty all the time.
Okay, so that turned out really depressing.
Sorry about that.
But it's just sometimes. I promise. I don't always say things like this. In fact, you're the only one I have ever shared these thoughts with. I can never even think of telling anyone else, not even my shrink. With you, I don't know, it's different. I feel like I can tell you anything.
I know you probably think it's because you're never going to actually read this and it's just a piece of paper that I am actually telling stuff to, but it's not completely true.
I have no idea why there's a voice in my head that tells me that you won't judge me even if you knew. You seem like that person, Norah, the kind of that people feel safe opening their hearts too. And trust me, I can tell this without having actually talked to you for real.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I won't be able to explain it. Same way, I won't be able to explain what exactly changed in me the day I saw you for the first time, and what makes me smile every morning as I see you coming out of the school bus, and why I feel this way about you.
There are a lot of things I can't explain...
I wish I could.
Maybe then I could have the courage to talk to you, maybe even be friends with you.
But then that thought scares me too.
What if you don't like me? I mean, I'm not funny so I don't think I'll be able to make you laugh. I can't play the violin or any instrument for that matter. I can't sing, dance, anything...
What will I even talk with you about?
Computers?
Do you even like computers? Because that's the only thing I'm good at.
However, in every scenario that I make in my head about talking to you, I just blabber like a fool in front of you, so the question of what I'll talk about doesn't even come in the picture.
Like, two weeks ago, I sat behind you in Science class and I didn't have a pencil, I thought that I could use it an excuse to talk to you. But obviously, I didn't do anything. Okay, I did try to call your name but it turned out more like a pale chicken gasping for air.
The only thing I am thankful is at least you didn't see my "loserness" shining at its best, as for the rest of the class I was too shocked and scared to even move so I just stared at your hair until the bell rang.
So, yeah, I found out my irrational fear of making a fool in front of you wasn't so irrational after all.
By this point in this letter, I am sighing with disappointment thinking why don't I give up the idea that I could ever know you, like actually know you.
But I have an answer for that too.
Because you make me happy. Simple as that. I have stopped making sense of why you make me feel this way. All I know that whenever I see you smile, I smile too. In those few seconds, I forget that I have murdered someone and that it will never be okay to live with, but in those seconds it doesn't matter.
You probably think I am a wuss, don't you?
But it's okay. I probably think so too.
So today I am going to let you in another secret and I will again ask of you not to freak out.
Okay, so here it goes.
As long as it has taken me to admit, I guess I've always known it, right since the moment I saw you.
I love you, Norah.
There. No fancy words, no beating around the bush. I simply love you.
I don't know if it's anything like how the elders define love is like, or if I am too young to love, or whatever. Truth is, I don't want to know.
Now, again I know all of these words are just ink on a paper and that it doesn't count as a confession until done in person. But for now, that's all I am capable of and rather than depressing myself how probably this is the farthest I'll ever come to telling you that I love you, I would rather just be happy with the fact that in some way I have you around. And as long as I get to see you everyday, I'll be okay. Really.
Even though, I might never be able to be a part of your life, I just want you to know that you're a huge part of mine. In fact, my favorite one if it's not clear already.
So yeah, I don't expect anything from you, except maybe just asking you to stay like you are; happy and like no one else.
I am sorry if all this freaked you out. Good thing you're not actually reading this. But still, I am really sorry if it did.
I think this is enough of me talking for today. I'll go now. I have an English test after lunch and I haven't studied much.
Wish me luck.
-Love, Daniel
I was clutching the letter hard, like my life depended on it.
And I was crying.
As the tears poured out of my eyes, I didn't try to stop them.
I didn't want to think right now. I didn't want to imagine how things are going to be.
I just simply wanted to cry.
"Oh my god, Norah, what happened?" someone asked.
I didn't look up but I didn't make any effort to hide my tears either.
I felt two arms circling around me. "Hey, calm down."
I could now tell that it was Shay.
I just shook my head and then after that she didn't ask me anything else.
I was thankful for that.
She simply held me as I cried my heart out.
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So yeah, that happened. Sorry if you were expecting them to reconcile or something. And I know that he should have given her another chance, just hear me out.
Okay, so, see how Daniel reacted wasn't just an outcome of the Norah-Nathan thing. For such an emotionally unstable person, I guess it could be hard to tolerate everything because if you've noticed, Norah never properly apologized for whatever she put Daniel through, for avoiding him whenever she feels like, for changing her mind constantly by kissing him, then running away and then kissing him again and blah blah, you know the story. So I guess it takes a toll on a person. I know I would be frustrated too if someone did that to me. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean that he is expected to come around every time without any proper explanation. Boys have feelings too, my amigos. =)
So even though I agree that his reaction was a little over the top, a tiny bit extreme, I think he has a reason for it too. Plus, he didn't lash out or anything so we can't say that there hasn't been any change in his character since the beginning of the book.
And now about what he said at the last, that he wish he never met her and all.... so well, you know when we are hurt or angry, we tend to say things we don't always mean or we blow it a little out of proportion. It happens with all of us, right? We say things that we might later regret some times. So I hope you see why he ended up saying those things.
Phew! That was a long author's note. But I thought that I needed to talk to you about it so yeah, I wanted to put it there.
Tell me in the comments if you agree with me or if you don't. I'd love to see your reactions.
I don't know when the next upload will be so goodbye till then. =)
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