1st person P.O.V.
~
"Nothing beats this view." Wooyoung sighs, his eyes gliding over the view in front of him. He leans forward, closing his eyes and taking in the soft mist that sprays on his face as the Aurora sails forward. He stands on the bulwark, his hand holding on tightly to the rigging that's the only thing stopping him from falling over.
"The view would be better if you fell in," Seonghwa jeers, standing next to me as he leans on the bulwarks to look at the splendid view. Wooyoung gives him a deadpan look, rolling his eyes and ignoring the cook.
"The ocean does indeed look prettier today." I agree with Wooyoung, lurching over the side with both hands to look at the water. "Look! Seonghwa! There's a school of fishies!" I gasp, looking marvelously at the colorful fish that swim in a large group right under the surface of the water. I lean over a bit too much which worries the cook and he pulls me back by my waist, steadying me to be able to look at the fish and not fall over the side.
"Fishies?" I hear someone inquire rather curiously from behind me to see Mingi also joining me to watch the colorful aquatic animals.
"Oh my god! That one's red!" He exclaims, catching my attention. "I call dibs on it."
"Hey, I saw them first!" I huff which makes Wooyoung snicker from where he stands on the bulwark.
"You snooze, you lose."
"Fine then. I call dibs on the biggest one right... there." I point at it, crossing my arms triumphantly at being able to outdo Mingi. He frowns, mumbling some incoherent words and I stick my tongue out at him.
"You two are acting like such little kids right now. Mingi, you've seen these things like every day for the past 4 years!" Seonghwa complains, sparking an argument between the two men, Wooyoung joining in right after out of boredom.
I continue watching the school of colorful fish when the sight of a lonely San sitting at the end of the boat catches my attention. He's looking intently at something in his hand, but I can't make out what it is so I slip away from the three men I was currently with and walk over to the battle master.
He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice me at first, keeping his eyes on the object in his hand. Now that I'm close enough to actually see the object I realize that it's a locket, a beautifully crafted golden locket that I'm pretty sure holds the picture of his beloved.
"That's pretty," I point out, startling the poor man in the process. He calms down when he notices it's me and he pats the floor next to him for me to sit on. "Who gave it to you?"
"Iseul did. She gave it to me before we left for our... attack." He informs me, smiling fondly at the little piece in his hands. "She said it was something to make me feel less lonely. I still feel miles away from her though, so I guess it doesn't work too well." I laugh, looking at the picture of the couple in the small locket.
"How was she before we left?" He doesn't answer quickly, taking his time with his responses.
"She was sad, obviously, but more so scared for me. I must be putting a lot of stress on her and the baby." He reflects, resting his head back on the wall behind him and closing his eyes momentarily. "I'm honestly regretting my decision to come. Not because I don't want to be here but I feel so guilty for leaving Iseul behind." I nod, chewing on his words and remembering the discussion Mingi, Yeosang, Captain, and I had over San's placement.
"I'm sure she understands." I try to reassure him but it only makes things worse.
"Yeah, right. She probably thinks the crew is more important to me than her." I feel odd to hear him say this, a bit confused as to why I feel this way but understanding that he should be acting this way. He should be putting his soon-to-be wife and child before the crew.
"Why did you choose to come with us then?" I find myself asking, something I don't think he was even thinking about.
"I dunno. You guys have been my home for so long, it's kind of hard for me to separate and make my own family. Habit, I guess." He shrugs. "What motivated me the most to come was the thought of losing someone else. After Yunho, I realized just how fragile we really were. I couldn't bear the thought of sending my brothers to fight while I stayed back selfishly."
"Maybe you should've been selfish," I mutter, not meeting eye contact with him.
"I know you don't want me here." He finally blurts, looking in my direction and laughing when he sees me stiffen up. "Yeosang told me about your discussion with them. And I get it. You're looking out for the better for me and Iseul, but there's no way I could've just sat around while you guys risked your lives."
"But you're starting a family, San. We were willing to risk our lives so that you would live with your wife and child! What are we supposed to tell Iseul if something happens to you? That her child is gonna be fatherless?!" I argue, a bit too worked up about the problem but at least he's listening.
"I don't want to die either, but I want to be able to live with all of you. Not half of you."
We fall silent, mulling over what the outcomes of this battle might be. All of the responsibility is going to me and if I screw up, I can get us all killed.
The whole crew can end up dying because of me.
"We might not make it back alive," I state out loud, looking over at Seonghwa, Mingi, and Wooyoung to see them play fighting happily. A sight that may or may not exist past the day of the attack. "And it scares me to think this way but I could end up being the reason for us dying if I don't lead correctly."
"We might," the battle master agrees, looking down at the locket in his hand once more. "But I have enough faith in our enchantress to know we won't. I know you won't let that happen."
~
The air up in the crow's nest is much cooler than the one on the main deck but I've already cooped myself up here and I'm too tired of climbing up to go down to get a sweater.
The night sky stretches far and wide, shining perfectly on the waters under the Aurora. There's a certain serenity to it all, no one would have thought that in a couple of days we would be finalizing our steps to being our assail on Eohithra.
It scares me to just think of what might become of us after the attack. Things like how many of us will die and what will happen to those that survive, swirl in my head, taking me to a hundred different worst-case scenarios at a time.
What's worse is that right now that I'm alone it's easier for the images of my nightmares to flood my mind, panicking me further, which is why I'm extra grateful when I hear the grunts of a familiar man coming from up behind me.
"Could you, um, help me with this?" Seonghwa chuckles sheepishly, poking his head adorably through the opening for the crow's nest. I move over to him, grabbing the items he's brought up with him before hoisting him onto the platform.
He lies in a starfish position, panting heavily from his climb. He turns his head with a big smile, motioning for me to look through the bags he brought along.
In the first bag, I find two blankets folded neatly. In the second bag was a metal jar that contained some sort of liquid along with two cups and a bag of cookies.
"I know that you've been making yourself a lot of tea lately so I decided to make you one that my Aunt drinks all the time to calm her nerves. I also made cookies." He states proudly, sitting up to grab the blankets while I open the metal jar and take out the cups for us. I pour the drinks for the both of us and he moves around to place one of the blankets around my shoulders, using the other one for himself. I smile at him with amusement, handing him his cup of tea when he settles back down.
"This is awfully nice. Is there something you want to tell me?" I joke lightly with him, but when I see him stiffen up, I start to get a bit worried that something bad is actually going on.
"No, no, it can wait." He brushes it off, taking a sip of his warm tea and pulling out the cookie bag for us. "I was looking for you all over the boat, what are you doing up here?"
"It's easier for me to think up here. The air is very calm and it helps me reflect."
"Really?" He quirked an eyebrow, eating a cookie and then speaking when he swallowed. "Well, what have you been thinking about?" I also take up a cookie as a way to delay my response, surprised by how good they actually taste.
"Um, mostly about that letter I got from my step-sister."
"The letter?" He pauses. "Isn't she the one that hated you though? Why would she write you a letter?" I shrug, knowing just as much as him in terms of why that letter was sent, but still finding its contents unsettling.
"The weirdest part about that letter wasn't even the fact that she confirmed what Sehun said about Queen Lee using my father to make Asura and Yama, but her tone. She sounds... desperate. And worried. She says the Queen has gone mad and that she wants me to come back to help her."
"Help her do what?"
"That's the thing, I don't know. She just says she needs my help." I finish, reaching for more cookies when I realize we've eaten them all. "It's so frustrating and confusing. It feels wrong that I still hate her for making my life so hard but I know I'm justified. Maybe I'm just too dumb to see what's really going on," I pout, bringing a hand up to scratch my neck.
"No, you're not dumb." Seonghwa tries to comfort me but I still feel that way.
"Yes, I am. I know that Ji-Eun hates me and is probably planning the way I'm gonna die with Queen Lee yet I still feel pity for her over this stupid letter. No matter how much I try to convince myself that they're just meaningless words she wrote down on a piece of parchment, I still feel this need to rescue her. It's stupid." I rant and that's when Seonghwa moves closer to grab my hands in his, making me look at him.
"You're not stupid. What you're feeling is sympathy. And it's normal. Your emotions don't make you stupid, they make you stronger, more qualified to lead. Just because you're emotional that doesn't mean that your logic is thrown out of the equation. You're the smartest person I know." He compliments, caressing my cheek and then moving my hand down to tilt my chin up.
"You think so?" I smile unbelievingly, leaning closer to him. "What else do you think of me then?"
"I think you're smart and kind, and warm-hearted. You're a fair and moral person who always looks to do the right thing. You're selfless and thoughtful of those around you. And above all, you're the most beautiful woman I know." My heart raced at the sound of him listing all these qualities he thinks of me and I start to get nervous, unconsciously backing up.
"Oh please, there's no way you all that of me," I laugh seeing that he's completely serious. He drops his voice to a very low tone, a soft and caring one that I've never heard him use on anyone before.
"There are so many things I think of you and so many emotions that I feel when I'm around you. So many things I wish to do to you but such few words to describe it. I want to show you everything I feel but I can't. I don't know how."
"Then try," I manage to whisper, getting lost in his eyes and the feeling of lust that's boiling in my chest at being this close to him.
"May I?" He asks gently, tilting my chin upward with his thumb and forefinger to make me look into his dark black eyes that seem to stretch on forever. The look he's giving me almost makes my heart stop.
His eyes sparkle as he stares at me with a rich fondness. I'm so lost in thought and intoxicated by him being so close to me that I nod unconsciously.
He leans in closer to me, tilting his head and closing his eyes while setting his free hand on my hip.
Even as he uses the hand on my chin to tilt my face and bring it closer to his, I don't move at all, freezing up and staring at his kissable lips as they inch toward mine.
His lips finally brush against mine, sending a wave of electricity throughout my body, a sensation I so desperately want more of. He fully presses his lips against mine and I take in the delicate softness of them, wanting to feel more.
My body reacts to the handsome cook, bringing my hands up to cup his face delicately as his hands begin to wander down my back, leaving behind a trail of fire wherever he touches.
Our lips move in sync, not too rough but with just enough vigor to keep us drunk off of the elated feeling. My hands begin to wander along his body as well, lowering them to his chest when I disconnect our lips for a moment to catch my breath.
All of my senses have sharpened dramatically that even the slightest touch of his drives me insane. There's a slight tinge of guilt in my heart that I'm trying harshly to ignore but it only increases as Seonghwa's lips begin exploring my neck and jaw.
How can something feel so wrong but at the same time so right?
Contrary to what I'm feeling on the inside, I pull Seonghwa closer to me, oh-so desperately wanting him to take away this nagging pain at the back of my mind.
He fixes the position we're in, wrapping his arms around my legs to lift me and set me down on the platform of the crow's nest so that I'm lying flat on my back.
Once again he attaches his soft lips to my skin, sucking lightly as he goes down. The once controllable whines slowly slipping past my lips, becoming louder as he moves his hands up and down the sides of my torso.
Before the hurting in my head can get worse, I pull Seonghwa's face back up to mine, crashing my lips against his hungrily to get another taste, hoping it will wash away the pain. I slip my tongue into his mouth and he does as well, chuckling in a raspy tone once he notes my desperation.
Again the feeling of ecstasy returns, complete and filling but it's only temporary. Myriad thoughts and a maelstrom of emotions swirl around in my head, not letting me focus on the way Seonghwa's warmth feels on me.
Even as I slide my hands up and down his torso, lightly outlining his perfectly sculpted abdomen, there's something wrong.
Wanting to forget, I move my hands to the waistline of his pants, teasing him by tracing the edge and them lifting my hands back up before I can go further. I try to do the action again but he catches my hand, pinning it above my head and he uses his other hand to steadily push up my shirt.
"Stop teasing me," I hear him groan by my ear, his hot and heavy breaths fanning out against the burning skin on my neck. His palm is flat against my side, his thumb rubbing slow and soft circles on my stomach.
But even with all these pleasureful and sweet sensations the anxiousness and worry remain a pestilence.
Seonghwa keeps his head buried in the crook of my neck, trying to catch his breath, his body pressed up against mine while I stare blankly up at the barren, nighttime sky. I can't think straight and I don't know if it's because of what just happened or because of the millions of things that are keeping me from enjoying the moment.
No matter how hard I try to figure out what's wrong with me, there's no clear answer which drives me to frustration. I can begin feeling the tears accumulating in my eyes, stinging them already.
The man on top of me slowly resumes what he was doing but I'm so lost that I find no escape at his touch.
Why do I feel so guilty? So alone? So scared?
Frustrated with myself and enraged, I let myself go and I started to cry. Diminutive sniffles come out at first but I slip too far to stop myself and they become louder.
Soon enough I begin sobbing, hot tears run down the sides of my face as a result, and I bring my hands up to cover it, wiping fiercely at them.
"Sun-Mi?" Seonghwa starts to get worried, quickly stopping what he was doing to me before he moves my hands to get me to look at him. "What— wait, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
The question makes me break down even further because I truly do not know how to answer him. I want to know what's wrong with me as well.
"What did I do wrong? Did I cross a boundary? Was I wrong? Sun-Mi, I'm so sorry, but please, tell me if you felt uncomfortable—,"
"No," I cut him off, reaching out and pulling his face close to mine. "No, Seonghwa, you were doing everything right. I want this so badly right now, but I'm so scared." I spill, speaking my mind as I feel more tears coming. The kind cook moves a hand to caress my face, looking earnestly into my eyes while his brow pinches up in worry and confusion.
"Scared of what?"
"I'm scared that everything will go wrong. All that we've planned and prepared for, I'm terrified of what could happen if something goes wrong. Everyone is depending on me to lead them into a battle that I'm not even sure I will be able to handle. How am I supposed to go on like this? I feel so alone and distant—,"
"You're not. You have the crew. And everyone who's by your side for this battle. You have me." He intercedes, attempting to console me.
"But that's the thing! Everyone is putting their lives on the line for me. All their work and trust and sleep is going into this— into me! What if I'm just leading them to their deaths? I don't know if I'll be able to handle the guilt. Yunho, Taehyung, and everyone that already died because of me haunt me every day. I feel like I'm losing it!" I cry further on, closing my eyes.
"Seonghwa, I can't lose anyone anymore. And above all, I can't lose you." Holding his face tighter, I open my eyes to see him staring at me lovingly. I knew I was doomed the minute I fell in love with this man, but now I'm starting to think the price is too high for me. "I love you so much, Park Seonghwa. I love you with all of my heart and I'm battling between whether to keep on loving you. My heart won't be able to handle another death of a man I love. And I hate you for making me feel this way."
He brushes my tears away from my eyes, smiling down at me with nothing but love and warmth.
"Who says you're going to lose me?"
"Everything, everyone always leaves. And I'm terrified that you'll leave, too." Seonghwa lowers his face to press his lips against the tears on my cheek, peppering butterfly kisses to clean them away.
"I'm not leaving you, Sun-Mi. I promise."
"No, Stop! Stop promising something you don't know you can keep!" I scold him angrily.
"But I do know. And I promise you that I'll follow you wherever you go, to the end of the world and back. I love you, Hae Sun-Mi, and I always will."
His intense eyes pierce mine, a sincere and honest expression sewn into his features. I chew on my bottom lip, wishing I could believe him completely but deep in the recesses of my heart, I know that there's no way to be 100% certain.
The deaths of Taehyung and Yunho taught me that.
"I can't," I shake my head, dropping my voice to a fragile whisper. "I can't handle this right now. I can't deal with a relationship. Especially not before what's about to go down."
"But—,"
"Drop it. For the both of us, just please, let it go. If you truly love me, then wait for me." There's a certain conflicting feeling swimming in the dark pools of his, but even with that, he manages a tight-lipped smile. Running his fingers through my hair, he nods, his eyes lingering on the soft features of my face.
"I'll wait. I'll wait even a hundred years for you to be ready." He plants a last kiss on my forehead, taking a bit longer to pull back before he got off of me, helping me up.
The atmosphere is thick and awkward between us so to save ourselves from the embarrassment he decides to leave.
"Good night, Sun-Mi."
"Night," I answer, turning around and hugging myself pitifully when he climbs down the mast. My heart hangs heavy and the eluding feeling of his skin on mine scratches at the back of my head.
My skin still feels tingly from it. I wanted him to go on so badly but I just couldn't let it happen, afraid that I'll hurt myself in the end because that's what always happens. I always end up hurt.