A humming sound followed by a bright light shines through my closed eyelids. I lift a hand to block the brightness as I open my eyes to see myself in someplace unknown. All around me, large foliage and vegetation grows wildly but oddly enough it creates a beautiful scenery. The humming gradually gets louder until I hear it only a couple of spaces ahead of me.
I get up off of the foliage, dusting myself off and I look around hearing that familiar tune being hummed by an inscrutable source. For some moments, I hear it to my left and then to my right. It moves around making me turn my head in every direction. I find myself spinning crazily in circles when suddenly the humming stops and it all goes silent.
Everything has gone completely still and it's putting me on edge. I almost jump out of my skin when I hear a rustling in the greenery from behind me. I swivel around instantly in a defensive position seeing a woman a few feet ahead of me in a wine colored cloak. She has her hood on and I can't see who it is so I warily begin to scoot over to her, getting close enough to just reach out to touch her.
When I'm in range, I extend a hand ever so slowly to tap her shoulder, holding my breath as I do, but before my finger can even skim her cloak, she vanishes into thin air right before me, only to appear behind me, causing me to scream in surprise.
What scared me wasn't the fact that she was able to move so quickly but the fact that what I was looking at right now was an exact replica of me. From the curves in my cheek bones to the tiniest strand of hair on her scalp, the woman I saw in front of me is my exact clone. The only thing that set her apart from looking like me were her eyes. This copy of me had cold, dead eyes that looked more like they belonged on a corpse than on a living human being. Seeing myself like this with these lifeless eyes unsettles me and it doesn't help that all she's doing it staring at me.
After a small moment of staring, my clone finally comes to life. Lifting one of her delicate hands up to my face to caress my cheek. Her skin feels deathly cold on mine, almost to the point where it burns my skin.
"Sun-Mi, Sun-Mi, Sun-Mi," The expressionless copy of me speaks up in my exact tone only without any emotion. It expresses itself in a monotone voice as it drags its finger across my cheek to my lips, feeling my face. "You were always a sad one, weren't you?" It asks, continuing its odd trail across my lips. "They're going to leave you. They always do." The replica doesn't even have to explain for me to understand who exactly it's talking about. At the same moment she says this, I feel my heart being squeezed harshly but I can't bring myself to move in my dream state.
"No," I whisper breathlessly, barely managing to shake my head.
"Yes, they will leave you." It repeats itself. "It's what you deserve. You abandon someone, someone abandons you." Remorse starts to set in as my heart continues to feel like it's being crushed in my chest.
"No. No! I didn't abandon Taehyung! He died. He took the bullet, it's his fault!" I argue desperately trying to rip away this overwhelming amount of guilt that's beginning to surmount me. I blink once but in that split second the face changes to Taehyung's cold dead face, which frightens me even more than before. I gasp, stepping away from his disturbing figure.
"You were the one who was supposed to die. Instead I died. You know that bullet was meant for you. Now you've forgotten me and switched me out for your new little friend." Taehyung's replica speaks up in that deep-velvety tone. As he speaks his skin begins to crack and split like a shattering piece of glass until there are a million tiny cracks all over his pale white face. Suddenly, the replica smiles which is what scares me the most because it looks so out of place next to those beady eyes. "But don't worry, they'll soon forget you like you've forgotten me." He widens his smile horrifically which is all that's needed to make his face shatter into a million pieces.
~
I shoot up in bed still, feeling my heart racing at the dream I've just had. I scan the room quickly to make sure that I'm back in Ocleavear and a huge wave of relief washes over me when I take in the familiar view of the doors leading to the balcony. I slowly feel my heartbeat return to normal but I don't make any effort to go back to sleep, knowing full well that I won't be able to after that nightmare.
I shake my head aggressively to push out the bad dream and it works momentarily. Since I've decided that I will not be returning to sleep I throw my feet over the side of the bed and I get off, sliding on the cozy slippers and the silk robe on the chair in front of the vanity mirror. I wrap the robe around me securely and once I'm done I contemplate what to do next, deciding that I'll go out to take a stroll in the gardens. I look over at my dresser to see the beautiful white rose Seonghwa gave me a day or two ago resting there, almost as if it were never cut from the bush. I pick it up and take it with me, making my way over to Ocleavear's palace gardens.
It's a couple of ways away but I manage to get there by what I can remember of the layout. After making some turns here and there, I finally get to the edge of the gardens where the gentle nighttime breeze hits my warm skin and blows softly through my clothes, carrying the smell of the flowers in the garden. I look around the garden to make sure no one will see me and when I'm sure I'm not being watched, I begin to casually stroll through the garden, following the large path and wondering where it'll take me.
The sound of crickets and other unknown nocturnal animals is amplified by the silence. There's a small rustling of leaves when the wind blows in my direction but besides that it's rather peaceful. I take in a big breath of fresh air, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth as a way to control my thoughts. Finally being able to relax properly after the nightmare, I close my eyes, stopping in the middle of the pathway and relying on my other senses to hear and feel.
My eyebrows knit together and I clutch my robe tighter against myself, trying to chase away bad thoughts. I hold on tighter to the glistening white rose, feeling some small thorns prick my finger pads. At some point, I'm too focused on stopping my unwanted ideas that I don't even notice the plaintive singing coming from somewhere else in the garden. My eyes snap wide open and I look around quickly, scanning every little space of the garden, when I come across what seems to me a large fountain a few feet to my right. Near there, I see the outlines of a single person sitting around and swaying side to side with their singing.
Despite the fact that I had wanted to be alone while calming down from my nightmare, I decided that it wouldn't be bad to socialize. It might even help me forget the terrible dream, even if it's just for a moment.
I make my way over to the source of the familiar voice that's still singing and when I start to get significantly close, I can begin to make out who it is. The tall figure, with his brown curly hair and cheery demeanor, is none other than Yunho. I think that he can also sense me walking towards him now because his humming dies down as he turns his head in my direction, squinting heavily in the darkness to see who I am.
"Sun-Mi, Is that you?" Yunho calls out to me and I answer when I enter within hearing distance of him.
"No, it's a ghost." I joke around, seeing him grin at me in the moonlight. He's sitting in front of a gorgeously crafted fountain that shoots a steady stream of water. Who knows how long he's been out here. "What are you up to?"
"Nothing," The tall brunette shrugs. "Couldn't sleep?" I bob my head. He smiles up at me kindly from where he's sitting on the dry concrete part of the fountain. He softly pats the empty spot next to him, signaling for me to join him and I gladly do. "Come watch the stars with me then." He suggests.
I sit down next to him looking up at the dark sky and noticing all the tiny little stars shining down on us from up above. Some shine more brightly than others but together they make a beautiful canvas.
"They're pretty," I think out loud which is the last thing I say as we admire the captivating night sky. We stay quiet for a little, letting the trickling sound of the fountain fill up the silence between us before I speak up once again.
"How are you feeling?" At first, he gives me a weird side-eye, not understanding what I mean until I elaborate a bit further. "You know, from like what happened in Illoriant."
"Oh, right. I'm— I'm doing good. The crew has been helping me out a lot with my... stuff." Yunho begins to bounce his leg as he goes into detail explaining how he's been feeling which is giving me a really bad sign. He still looks pretty shaken up no matter how hard he tries to hide it. I guess he didn't notice how fast he had started to shake his leg because when I reached over to place a hand on his knee to stop him, he got startled.
"Yunho... I'm so sorry for your loss," I feel the need to apologize, giving him a sincere look of remorse. He tightens his jaw, casting his eyes down to look at my hand that's resting on his knee.
"I guess they told you about her, huh?" He suspects and I nod. The brunette's eyebrows crease together in concentration as he speaks up again. "It's not your fault, though. There's nothing you'd could've—,"
"Done?" I cut him off, finishing his sentence for him, "I know I couldn't have possibly done anything to save her for you, but I somehow feel obligated to make it right. Queen Lee has destroyed so many lives, the least I can do is help the ones around me." Yunho's expression softens at hearing me say this, and he moves one of his hands to lay it on top of mine as a way to reassure me to not worry.
"Sun-Mi, somethings are better off when left alone. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I don't think you understand."
"But I do understand. I also lost someone that I loved with my whole heart. I know what it feels like to look back at the memories we made together and regret not being there to protect them when they needed us the most. I know what it feels like to wake everyday with hatred for the world, blaming everyone else before ourselves. Trust me, I know. If there's anyone in the crew at all that can feel what you're feeling right now, it's me." I try to reason with him, but he keeps denying it.
"See that's where you're wrong. I don't blame the world or anyone else. I don't even hate the people that took her away from me. I wake up everyday blaming and hating myself. I was there! I was right there and I couldn't do anything to save her! All I could do was watch as she suffocated. The only difference is I've learned to live with the guilt." He shakes his head, leaning forward to place his elbows on his knees as his arms work to hold up his head. He runs his hands through his hair grabbing fistfuls, frustratedly, and pulling at them in an attempt to rip out the images he must be seeing of her in his head.
Everything about the state he's in— from his anger to his distress— reminds me exactly of myself when I would first get abused. I would spend endless hours crying in my bathroom tub, clutching my hair exactly as he does, and yanking harshly. I hated myself. Woke up everyday, dreading every minute of my life. My heart aches from seeing my friend like this. If only I could make Yunho understand that I know what he's going through...
I watch him closely as he struggles with himself for a minute, deciding that the best thing to do would be to comfort him quietly, so I stretch a hand out to massage his back. After a few minutes in silence, he relaxes, lifting up his head to reveal puffy eyes and a red nose while he sniffles softly. I smile at him warmly and he seems to get embarrassed, hastily wiping away aggressively at his eyes.
"Ah, my bad, I shouldn't be crying. Others have it worse," He excuses with a shaky laugh, but I pull his arms down, making him look at me.
"No, don't be sorry for crying. Your trauma is just as valid as anyone else's, no matter if they have it worse. You need to let yourself go, Yunho. It's good to cry it out when you need to," I advise gently, setting aside the white rose in one of my hands to reach over for a hug. I wrap my arms around the brunette comfortingly, letting him relax into it for a while before letting go. He hugs me back tightly, still sniffling. He's actually a really good hugger which I find ironic since I'm the one that's supposed to have the hugging skills to comfort him. When he pulls back, he gives me a tight-lipped smile, running his hands up and down his thighs.
I smile contently, going back to the peaceful silence from before as I pick up my rose and play with it mindlessly which catches Yunho's attention. He looks curiously, raising a questioning brow.
"Where did you get that?" He questions, studying the rose before realizing its similarity to the ones in the garden. "Aren't those things like off limits to visitors?" I smile secretively, bringing up the rose to smell it, inhaling the soft smell of honey it gives off.
"I have people don't the inside," I joke around, waving it in front of his face. He squints his eyes, scrutinizing me before settling on a conclusion.
"One of the guys gave it to you," I shrug, looking away so as to not give the answer directly. "It couldn't be Yeosang because he's not really a gift giver or the romantic type. It couldn't be Wooyoung because he doesn't care for flowers. San, Mingi, and Jongho don't see you as more than a friend so they wouldn't risk taking a rose for you... who do we have left? Oh, yes! Hongjoong or Seonghwa." He pauses to think about it briefly and then answers it. "It was Seonghwa."
"You seem pretty confident about that," I note, trying to seem nonchalant about it.
"I am. Hongjoong may take some interest in you but as long as I've known him, he's never had a romantic interest."
"I could be his first."
"You could," the brunette concedes, "But he doesn't show signs of it. Seonghwa on the other hand does. He's always worried about you, following you 24/7. He gives you the "special treatment" as the crew calls it which he only ever gives to Yeosang. And he even cared enough to take you on a date to make up to for upsetting you." My eyes widen at hearing the last part.
"You heard about that? But I never told you." He chuckles, leaning back on his arms with a playful smirk.
"As you've said before, I have my inside men." He winks, pitting my own words against me. I shake my head, looking down at the rose and remembering the way Seonghwa acted with me earlier. My heart still flutters at the thought of how his skin felt on mine but my thoughts are cut short when I remember my dream. Luckily for me, Yunho speaks up before letting me fall down that thought hole. "Why don't you two try it out together?" I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking about it, and then shaking my head.
"I don't think I can."
"Why not?" The words that Taehyung's clone told me in my dream, echo at the back of my head like an unwanted pestilence. Don't worry, they'll soon forget you like you've forgotten me. Again, that overwhelming sensation of being burdened by grief and guilt comes over me and my breath hitches for a moment. As much as I want to deny what I heard and disconnect myself from it, I can't ignore these thoughts.
"I still feel like I can't let myself have anyone else. I lost Taehyung when I fled Eohithra, I'm scared I'll lose Seonghwa too. Yes, I have feelings for him, I can't deny it, but I feel so second-rate for getting over Taehyung so quickly. Taehyung meant so much to me, moving on to Seonghwa so suddenly makes me feel like I'm betraying Tae in some way." I admit, pouring out my feelings to Yunho. He nods along, hearing me out and puffing out his cheeks when I'm done. "It's confusing, I know. It's just that I've lost so many people, I'm terrified to lose more."
"I know what you mean. It's the same reason why I haven't let myself date anyone," He tells me and he really does seem to understand me for the most part. "The best advice I can give you is to do what seems right. Everyone's grieving process is different, as you can tell mine is much slower than most, but you seem to be a bit faster. I say take your chances with Seonghwa. I'm sure your Taehyung would want you to continue living your life." I nod, looking back down at my rose one last time, blocking out my dream for good measure. I decide to change the topic one last time, already feeling a bit drowsy as sleep begins creeping towards me.
"Has Yeosang told you anything?" I dig around, thinking back to the meeting earlier today when Yeosang told me he'd be staying here.
"He hasn't. I actually haven't spoken with him since we got here. He's been pretty busy." I purse my lips as a sense of worry and anxiousness rises in my chest as I fight to suppress it.
"Today he told me that he would be staying with his parents here." I inform the brunette who falls quiet for a short moment. He shifts his sitting position, sighing deeply.
"I thought so. You know Wooyoung was thinking about staying, too. But I know they won't." Yunho states confidently which reassured me slightly.
"How do you know?" I feel the need to ask to take away some of my doubt.
"Yeosang's mind changes every minute. His parents could be the one forcing him to stay for all we know. He isn't about the Royal life. And Wooyoung, well, he's Wooyoung. Not much too it. If it makes you feel better, I'll convince Wooyoung to stay and then he can convince Yeosang. How does that sound?" I smile at him extending a hand to shake on it. He takes my hands firmly and the deal is set.
I look up at the bright stars shining over my head, feeling slightly optimistic about the crew. Worries and anxieties still float around in my head, but somehow I feel reassured that everything will be alright. The crew won't disband. We'll be okay... we'll be okay.
The soft breeze blows in my face once again, this time, making my eyes feel heavy as sleep finally arrives for me. I yawn, stretching myself out next to Yunho and standing up to face him.
"I think I'm gonna go to sleep. Are you?" He shakes his head.
"Not right now. I'll stay up a little longer."
"Alright, just make sure you get some sleep. Good night." I recommend, bidding him a good night over my shoulder as I turn to walk away.
"Good night, don't let the bed bugs bite," He responds and I smile softly, gazing at the beautiful stars above me while making my way back to my room.