im back binches!! i know i said september but oops o well.
also, i have a new story out, as well as the new sickfics book! be warned: it will contain VERY heavy, triggering content, and wont have warnings at the beginning of chapters, so check it out at your own risk
request by xxs0ftm0chixx0 :)
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Seokjin's POV -
When you live with 7 boys, and all 7 of you live a very hectic, busy, scheduled life together, the last thing you are is alone. There's so much for us to do in one day that it's impossible to go elsewhere. If we do have the time to do something, then we're back before 11PM at the most. All 7 of us sleep in the dorm at once.
At first, it was almost sort of irritating. At home, I had a brother, sure, but we had our own separate rooms, and, since he was a good few years older than me, he rarely came to wind me up. We had a good brotherly bond, but it's definitely right to say that moving in with 6 practically strangers was a culture shock.
At first, we all shared that one room. We slept anywhere we could fit. There were four beds that we rostered between us, and a blow-up mattress, but the other two had to sleep on the sofa and the floor, so it meant sleep wasn't likely, and therefore the boys were grouchy, and therefore there were fights. You couldn't go to the bathroom without someone else being wedged in there, and there was no chance you could get changed in private. Everything was on show, and that's just the way we lived. I never wanted more for some piece and quiet. I want to be alone.
We've had a good few dorms over the years, and now, we're all lucky enough to have our own bedrooms, though Hoseok and Jimin still share for the comfort of each other. That, I really don't understand. How can you have a wank in peace when someone is lying in bed on the opposite side of the room?
I guess, after 7 years together, it's become almost homely. They're my brothers. They mean the world to me. I would do anything to protect them. When I get the chance to go home, I miss their voices ringing in my ears. It makes me feel empty when they're not here. I know they feel the same way. I couldn't go on without them.
*
Which is why I'm shocked when, on the one day we get off a month - which is tomorrow, they all bundle into the kitchen, talking about the plans they have, and where they want to go after dance practice later. Things that they must have been planning for ages spew out of their mouths, jostling as they sit at the places at the table I had set down.
"Well, since my family only live a couple miles away, I'm going to go visit them, and spend the night with them. I'll be back late, maybe around ten, so I can be ready to be at the studio the next day," Namjoon says to Yoongi as he pours cereal into his bowl. "I already have the taxi booked, and they know I'm gonna be showing up kinda late, but that seems to make it a bit more exciting."
Yoongi nods his head as he swallows the bite of toast he'd shoved into his mouth whilst Namjoon was talking. "And I found this little basketball camp just North of Seoul. They've been begging me to check out their little rising stars, since, like, how cool would it be to meet an idol who loves the sport as much as you do? I know they'll be heaps better than me, but it'll be exciting. They want me to stay a couple days, but I can't, so I said I would show up later tonight, ready for tomorrow."
Jimin and Taehyung, who had been talking their own discussion together, perk up at the two hyungs' plans. Jimin claps his hands excitedly. "Well, I'm going to visit Ravi, because I haven't seen him for nearly a year now, and he's recently moved. He's only an hour away from here, and he's already said it's cool for me to spend the night."
"And I'm visiting Seunghyub," Taehyung adds. "He's been wanting my support on a few things, and I think it would be better if I went over to his and helped there, instead of through emails."
I look at the four, my eyebrows raised. Namjoon has swanned off to see his parents before - he's lucky they live so close - but, on a rare day off, the boys usually just stay here, and wander around the town if they want to do something. We never really make plans. We have too many of them.
Jungkook makes a soft humming sound before I can comment on these sudden new plans. "You know, we still have that tent from when we went camping on the last Bon Voyage. I know of this cool forest where you're allowed to make campsites, so I was thinking about going there to spend the night, and tomorrow I can pretend I live in the wild and stuff. It's something I've kinda always wanted to do."
Hoseok turns to me, a smile spreading across his face. "Well, it seems like me and you are the only ones who don't plan on sleeping elsewhere tonight, hyung! We could have a movie night, or something? Some bonding time."
I nod my head slowly. Hoseok can plan as much as he wants, since I didn't make any plans at all. If he wants to lead our day, then he can go for it.
Suddenly, his face falls. "Oh. Oh no, maybe not. I forgot I promised my sister I would stay with her in that hotel she booked here, because she's got this big fashion show tomorrow, but she's sort of afraid of being alone somewhere she doesn't know. Y'know, after what happened ..."
I shake my head a little. "Don't worry about it. I'm happy to slouch here by myself. I don't know what's gotten into you lot. You never make plans like this! I suppose a break away from the kids sounds nice ..."
Jimin nudges me jokingly. "Shut up, old man!"
I don't let the smile spread across my face. Jimin is only three years younger than me, and I don't particularly find it all that funny. Who cares if I'm the eldest? I don't look that bad already, right?
Jimin sees he touched a nerve, and pulls me into a gentle hug. "I'm only having a laugh, hyung, don't look so serious! You're just as handsome as ever."
"Gay," mumbles Hoseok as he gets up quickly, piling his breakfast things onto his arm and dumping them into the sink, though we all know he won't step up to wash them. "Come on, or we're going to be late. And if we're late, then we'll be made to stay behind, and then we'll be late to all of our plans."
A collective sigh runs across the table, and we all get up, ready to head out. Just keep thinking, Seokjin. Just these last few hours of dance, and then you get a whole day to yourself, relaxing, and you'll get some peace alone. You could even watch that... video... on the main computer without getting interrupted.
*
So, when just after 6PM, rolls around - the earliest we've ever finished dance, since the instructor was in a good mood and was excited to hear that most of us are going to be productive on our day off - I'm the one who puts the key in the door, and I'm the only one who walks into the hallway, snapping the lights on as I go.
I stand alone in the living room, looking around. For once, the TV isn't instantly turned on. The radio is quiet in the corner. There's no heavy breaths, no shouting across the dorm, no taps running. Nothing. Just me, alone, in the big, empty dorm.
I use my extra time to cook myself a healthy meal, which I never get to do anymore. I make it stress free, with no one breathing over my shoulder, no Taehyung dangerously trying to help, no pressure of wanting it sooner because someone is moaning that they're about to starve to death. I make a lasagne with all of my favourite spices and herbs. I add chili without Taehyung whining it's too hot, and a little more salt without Yoongi whining it's overpowering. I make my food the way I want it to be.
Even eating it alone doesn't seem so bad. No slurping sounds, no crashing cutlery, no yelling with mouths full. Just me, basking in the soft hum of the fridge. Alone. Actually... Maybe I am a little bit lonely. I miss the bustle, and everyone enjoying what I love to bring to the table. No one to compliment me, no one taking pictures, no banter.
When I shove the cleared plate into the sink, I marvel at how empty it feels. The one plate. The one cup. Only a few pans set to soak on the oven. It's clean, and it only takes me 10 minutes to put everything away. The orderliness sends a nice tingle down my spine.
It takes me a while to decide what I want to do, but I eventually end up floppoing on the sofa, watching some k-drama on my phone whilst huddled under a blanket. I feel warm, and the food in my stomach makes me sleepy. I can stretch out with no one sitting on my feet.
Crash!
I violently jolt up, catching my breath hard so that I make no noise. My ears strain in the silence, whilst my brain tries to figure out what that noise was, and where the hell it came from. There's nothing. I even start to question if I made the noise up to try and fill in the sounds the 6 boys usually make.
Slowly, I start to relax back into the sofa, picking up my phone slowly. It'll be nothing. Maybe I didn't stack the pans back properly in the cupboard. Or maybe something just fell over in one of the boys' rooms. It happens a lot, since we have so much stuff. Especially Namjoon. He just can't quite put things neatly, and things end up toppling all the time. He can sort it out when he comes back home tomorrow.
Bang!
It's unmistakable. I fly up off the sofa, my eyes wide as I stare towards Taehyung's room. There's no silence this time. I can hear shuffling, and a whole hell of an amount of grunting. There's someone in there. Someone is breaking into the Bangtan dorm.
I pick up the touch lamp from the cabinet beside the sofa, a soft glow immediately bursting out of it from the brush of my fingertips. I slowly shuffle towards the door, my breath catching in my throat, sweat springing up on my forehead. The person has become silent behind the door. They must have realised they've been caught.
"W-Whoever's in there, I have a w-weapon!" I stutter out. I hoped to sound menacing, but my voice comes out weak and shaky, and I know I sound terrified. "I'm not afraid to use it! Get the hell out of my house!"
The shuffling becomes coherently panicked, and I can hear things being knocked over left and right. I let out a soft whimper, and fling open the door, brandishing the lamp, to see two feet struggle out the open window, and disappear over our garden wall. The room is empty except for me, and now in a complete tip.
Taehyung's desk is under his window, and his laptop, keyboard, and plant lay sprawled on the floor, soil and leaves trod into the carpet. Only one drawer of his dresser has been flung open, and the clothes inside are dishevelled. As far as I can see, though, nothing is missing. The laptop probably broke in the floor, rendering it useless - if they were looking for expensive goods, that is.
We're still usually at dance at this time. Had I not been here, our dorm would have been burgled. Taehyung always leaves the window open, because we're in a gated community, and it's usually safe. The thought burns in my mind, and my shaky breaths start to get faster, and my mind starts to tumble into more and more thoughts.
My ears play odd sounds throughout the flat. From the corner of my eye, I can see things moving. I can feel things on my skin. I don't feel safe. I need to get out.
I rush towards the door, picking up my phone on the way, seeing shadows flicker through the windows. I know I scared the burglar away, but I keep seeing him. He's everywhere. The flat is going to get ransacked and it'll all be my useless flat.
What if he was dangerous? What if I had gotten hurt? No one would have come to get me. I would have been here, all on my own, left for dead. I need the members here. I need someone with me. It's not safe, and it feels like there's a marker on my back. I know there's a likely chance that our dorm will be a target to burgle again.
I press the first contact I see. "Hyung, missing me already?" Jimin's cheerful voice rings through. I can even hear the smile in his voice.
I find myself unable to reply. My breaths continue to hitch, and a strong sense of nausea is washing over me as I slam through the garden gate, and climb into the safety of my car. My vision swims in front of me, and I don't feel well at all. "J-J-Ji-im-min!"
"Hyung, what the hell?" he responds, and this time his voice is heavy with worry. "What's happened, are you alright?"
A teenager skates past my car on his board. He wouldn't have even seen me sitting in here, but I let out a loud scream of pure fear, my whole body shaking as a result. I can hear Jimin's more panicked voice through the phone I dropped on my lap, but I can't get my senses straight. I'm not safe. I'm not safe here on my own.
"Hyung, I'm coming back, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can!"
The phoneline cuts out, and I stay sobbing against the steering wheel. I don't feel safe in the car anymore. Someone could be in the backseat!
I fly out the car, stumbling down onto my side, too weak and dizzy from hyperventilation to keep up. I need someone here to help me. I need someone to just; I need someone. I could get hurt and die here all on my own and no one would be there for me. I haven't been alone for nearly 10 years and I never, ever want to be alone again.
*
It takes nearly an hour for Jimin to get to me. In that time, I managed to get myself off the floor, and onto a bench just round the corner. I stay visibly shaking, jolting at the smallest of movements, but being in the open air is helping me cool off a little, even if the fear doesn't melt out of my soul.
"Hyung, there you are! I've been worried sick!" Jimin cries, rushing towards me. I open my arms wide, and let the smaller run into my chest. I hold him like my life depends on it. I might be taller, and broader, but in Jimin's strong arms, I feel like a little boy again, safe in my dad's arms. Nothing can hurt me if Jimin is here. I'll be okay.
When he senses I'm a little calmer, he pulls away, but keeps a tight grip on my arms. He opens his mouth to speak, but then he shakes his head a little, and leads me back towards the dorm. I thought I would be afraid, but I feel comfortable walking back with Jimin. Maybe I overreacted. The burglar was clearly scared away by me. He wouldn't try to come back, right?
Jimin sits me on the sofa, and heads towards the kitchen. He's in the other room. I can hear him filling the kettle, it's no big deal, but the high ceiling and long walls seem to shrink in on me, and I can hear shuffling all around me.
I shoot up, and head to the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools. Jimin looks at me, eyebrows raised, before pouring hot water onto a tea bag, seeping it, and then passing it to me. "Are you able to tell me what happened?"
"S-Someone broke in, a-and I was on m-my own!"
Jimin's eyebrows shoot up again. "What?! Did they take anything? Did you call the police? What happened?!" he heads towards the door, but I grab his arm, forcing him to stop until I'm on my feet, and I can come too.
"Just one guy. He came through Taehyung's window. They made too much noise and I scared them off before they could take anything, but his room is trashed, and his laptop got broken. I didn't see his face, though. I didn't call anyone else because I just panicked, and..."
Jimin pats my arm gently. "Okay. Don't stress. We can clean his room, and it's not like Taehyung can't afford another computer. As long as nothing was taken, then we should be okay. We'll tell security to look at the CCTV, but I'll tell them you're not in a fit state for an interview tonight." He sighs, turning to me. He cups my cheeks gently, his eyes sad. "My poor hyung. No wonder you were so terrified!"
The call doesn't last long, and Jimin calls Ravi to let him know he can't be there. He sounds upset with him, but he calms when he explains what happened. I can't bring myself to care about him, though. I need to be safe. I need Jimin here.
Jimin eventually heads towards his room. "I'm going to bed, okay?"
Anxiety creeps inside of me. "C-Can I sleep in your room tonight?"
Jimin just nods his head tiredly. "You can take Hoseok's bed, hyung." I'm glad he doesn't sound angry. "We'll just chill out tomorrow, and relax. You must have been so terrified."
I try to lie in Hoseok's bed, but I can't switch off. My ears stay trained, listening out for any tiny noise. A pipe under the floor creaks, and it makes me jolt right up. Eventually, I end up crawling into Jimin's bed. He's mostly asleep, so he doesn't soothe, just wraps his arms around me, sighing gently into my chest.
*
Life turns back to normal in the Bangtan dorm. The boys came home one by one, all shocked by the news of someone breaking in, and comfort both me and Taehyung. I bask in the attention, huddling into any body I can to feel safe with. They all tut and soothe me, and, after a few days of calming down, and falling back into routine, I can go back to my own bed.
And, the routine goes back to normal. We sing, dance, perform, and write songs. I find myself surrounded by people again. The only time I'm alone is when I'm in the bathroom, and, when I'm in there, no bad thoughts pass my mind. I can hear the boys no matter what I'm doing. I feel protected, though I don't focus on the feeling.
The months start to fly by again. We hold a tour around South Korea only, and, in two months' time, we'll do a world tour with our new album. We haven't had a single break since that day. No days off. We wake at the same time, and usually come back in pairs or threes, since the rap line tend to go to their studios after practice. The point is: there's always someone at home with me. Most days I don't even think about the breakin.
Until today.
We wake up early as usual, ready to go to the studio. We chat levelly around the table, still trying to wake ourselves up, when the phone suddenly rings. Jungkook is the fastest up, and answers. Our main landline only rings if it's a manager, so we turn to watch as Jungkook 'mhm's his way through the conversation, his face turning to a frown.
Eventually, he puts the phone down, and turns to us. "The dance instructor slipped down the stairs earlier this morning. They said he's gonna be okay, but he hit his head, and he's had to go to hospital for monitoring. PDnim said he'd prefer for us to work in the studio, but if we want a day off, then he won't moan."
Although I'm happy at the thought of a day off, my heart breaks for our poor dance instructor. He works so hard with us, only to end up getting hurt. I hope the injury isn't too bad. As the table stays silent, I realise everyone feels the same way.
After a little time passes, Hoseok looks up. "So... what do we do now? Should we go to the studio, like PDnim asked?"
Taehyung nods his head a little, and I can see the plan performing behind his eyes. "Yoongi hyung, Namjoon hyung, and Hoseok hyung should go to the studio to work on the album's songs. We shouldn't all bombard the place and do loads of work when the producers aren't expecting us there." We all nod our heads slowly. "Jimin and I will go bring him some flowers in the hospital. Jungkook and Seokjin, I guess you two can go where you want."
Soon, the table is cleared, and the rap line leaves. Shortly after, Jimin and Taehyung head for the door, too, leaving just me and Jungkook. We lounge around the house for a while, but I can see Jungkook getting a little fidgety. He tries to stick around a little longer, but I know he's building up energy he was going to use for dance.
"Hey, hyung, I think I'm gonna go for a run. Do you want to come with me?"
Something suddenly stabs in me. I'm immediately reminded that this will be the first time I'll be alone in the house since it happened if I decide not to go for a run with him. The sensible answer would be to go with him.
However, as I open my mouth to say yes, I focus on how heavy my legs feel from overuse, and my back hurts from dancing too much. My body is crying out for a break more than I realise. The last thing I need right now is a run. And the last thing I need to fall into is separation anxiety. It's the middle of the day, and there's people milling around on the streets. I have nothing to fear.
"Nah, I'll be okay. You go on. I won't be going anywhere, so you don't need a key."
Jungkook just nods his head, and heads to his room. In just a few minutes, he comes back in his sports gear, his fringe swept up into a little bun on the top of his head. His purple and blue trainers are the only thing bringing colour to his dark outfit.
"I have my phone on me, so call me if you need anything. I shouldn't be any longer than an hour, okay?"
I nod my head, but I don't look away from my phone again. I listen to the front door click shut behind him, and then ... nothing.
My mind instantly starts to swirl with bad thoughts. I know what happened last time I was alone. I can't do it. I need someone here to keep me safe. I should have gone with Jungkook, I'm such an idiot! How could I possibly feel safe when this house is huge, and someone could be lurking anywhere, ready to pounce out and hurt me? What if I fall down the stairs, or accidentally hurt myself in the kitchen? I shouldn't be alone.
I run to the door and fling it open, but Jungkook is calm. I look out into the fresh garden, feeling the soft breeze on my cheeks, and take a deep, slow breath. I have nothing to panic about. I am safe in my own home.
I whip around quickly, letting out a whimper as I feel something brush my shoulder, but there's nothing there. I shut the door before someone can push in and burgle and stab me. It's not safe. I need someone here to keep me safe.
With shaky hands, I reach for my phone, and manage to call Jungkook's number. It starts to ring, each buzz sending more and more fear through my shaky body. I can see Jungkook in my head, stopping his run, trying to pull his phone out his arm band and trying to pull his earphones out at the same time, rushing so much he's making himself slower, but irrationality takes over. The ring is blocking my ears, and someone could be sneaking up on me right now!
I double over, and suddenly choke up my breakfast onto the carpet and my feet, retching, as Jungkook finally answers, "Hello?" I take a jumpy breath, just to be forced back with another long stream of chunky liquid. "Hyung? Hello? Are you throwing up? Jesus, are you alright?"
I get myself stumbled to the bathroom, leaning in front of the toilet, phone still hovering by my ear, and retch, my whole body jolting forward. "Jun-ng-koo-ook!" I finally whimper out between small gags and forceful swallows, trying to keep the rest of my stomach contents in. "H-Help!"
"Okay hyung, I'm coming, I'm just around the corner! Breathe in and out, hyung, in and out... It'll be over soon."
I manage to keep control until I hear the front door bang. My scared mind takes it as a burglar, and I let out a loud scream, followed by the proof that I stopped thinking about my stomach. I feel hands grab my shoulders as the mouthful ends, but it's Jungkook, patting my back gently.
The nausea subsides, and I burst into tears, taking myself and Jungkook by surprise. I huddle into him, curling up a little so my head can rest on his chest and I can listen to his fast heartbeat. He falters a little, but then his arms wrap around my back, and begin to rub soothingly.
"I didn't know you were sick by the door, hyung. I stood in it."
"I-I'm sorry!"
"Shh, it's okay. Accidents happen. I'll clean it in a minute. First of all, you need to tell me what's happening." He presses a hand on my forehead. "Are you feeling poorly? You seemed just fine when I left."
I let him lead me to the sofa, and I flop heavily, trying to keep a hold on him. He lets me pull him into a hug. "I-I didn't feel safe," I mumble.
Jungkook nods his head gently. "Is it because someone tried to break in? Are you scared it's going to happen again?"
I nod my head slowly, starting to shake despite how safe I feel in Jungkook's arms. "It feels like there's people everywhere, and they're going to hurt me. I only feel this way when I'm alone! I've been fine for months, and I don't even think about it! But, as soon as you walked through the door, bam! I could hear things, and feel things! Ohh, Jungkook, I've gone crazy!"
He rocks me slowly, shushing into my ear. "You're not crazy, hyung. You had a traumatic experience. You must have separation anxiety, or something, because, like you said, you're never this nervy when someone else is in the house. It made you poorly, too!"
I nod my head, feeling soothed by him talking. "I don't ever want to be alone again, Jungkook."
He nods his head, but I can feel firmness in his muscles. "Maybe you should see a therapist, and talk about it properly. You can't live your life in fear of being alone. It's going to have to happen one day. It was just a freak moment of someone thinking we wouldn't be home yet. Don't let them take your freedom, hyung."
I shake my head. "My freedom isn't gone. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm scared, Jungkook, can't you see that?"
"Of course I can! But you can't be making yourself sick over it! You need someone to show you you'll be okay on your own."
"But I don't want to!" I sob, letting the tears fall again.
Jungkook shushes me gently, rocking my body against his. It feels so soothing, and I feel so relaxed and safe in his arms. Every time any of his muscles move like he wants to shake me off, I tense up, desperate not to be let go. I have to admit I have some sort of problem.
*
Jungkook managed to coax me into therapy, and, after a long chat about what I went through, I was diagnosed with something called autophobia - the fear of being alone.
I was told it was common after something I went through, and how that fear manages to get an easy grip on your body without you even realising. I felt normal. I felt like I wasn't overreacting anymore.
It's not like there's a pill I can take, though, to make the fear all go away. I was given some Diazepam, should I have any crippling panic attacks, but I haven't needed them so far. I have weekly sessions to talk about it, and I open up to the boys more about how I feel. They've been very accepting so far.
In reality, I need them to leave the house so I can practice my coping mechanisms, and teach myself to feel safe again. I can manage to be alone any other time, just not in the house on my own. There's just no time in the day, though. Although, I'm not complaining, since the boys in the house make sure that I feel safe on my own, and therefore, it's not like I live each day in fear. I know I'm protected.
It might not be the end, but I know I'll get there, whether it be this year, or in 10 years' time. I just have too many little brothers that won't ever let me be alone, even if I do have a little whinge about them every now and then.
We might have fought loads about space 7 years ago, but now, I couldn't care less if they all sat on top of me. I would even welcome it. Where would I be without them, anyway? They're my rocks. My world.
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