Fear. Anger. Rejection. And then light.
I jolt awake breathing heavily, my eyes darting around the darkroom. When my eyes adjust to the darkness I'm in, I realize that I'm safe in the sickbay. It was just a dream, I assure myself, lowering my heart rate as it thumps loudly against my chest. Small sounds of waves carrying the Aurora in the direction of Illoriant are almost drowned out by Wooyoung's snores. They're so loud I'm scared he might choke at some point. I turn my head in his direction, glad to see his resting face on the pillow. I sit up taking in a big gulp of air, drowning myself in its freshness. Trying to close my eyes, vivid images of my dream resurface each time I do.
Lately, I've been dreaming a bit too much. Each dream becomes clearer and clearer just as much as they become scarier and scarier. At this point they're not even dreams, they're nightmares. They all start off just like the second one I got a couple of nights ago at the Inn. Every night they progressively become so real I can't make out if I'm dreaming or actually awake anymore. I shake my head in an attempt to clear my head of this turmoil, kicking my legs over the sides of the bed. I decide not to put on my boots and sneak out the room that way. Lightly walking over to the door, I hear Wooyoung stir behind me mumbling incoherently. I tense up, exhaling quietly as he goes back to snoring.
Once outside, I stealthily walk across the main deck, not sure of where I'm heading when I see two tall figures. One is leaning on the ship's wheel on the quarter deck while the other is standing adjacent to him as if trying to comfort the former. Both men talk hushed tones, too far for me to hear or see who they are. I decide to make my way over to them when I see Seonghwa placing a comforting hand on who I'm guessing is Yunho. The latter is looking straight ahead with a saddened expression. I'm a bit shocked, not used to seeing him with such a serious face. He's usually the mood maker on the ship, carrying himself with a bright smile, captivating those around him with his charm. Even before I was introduced to him today, I had been drawn to his personality, although, I'm not sure why. Something about him intrigued me. They don't notice me making my way over towards them, until I begin walking up the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible to not wake up Yeosang or the Captain who's sleeping in the room under the quarter deck. When The taller of the two catches sight of me, he quickly shoves a small photo I barely catch a glimpse of into the pocket of his pants and addresses me.
"Sun-Mi?" he asks a little too loudly, surprised to see me up this late out and about. Both men have stopped talking, which I'm guessing means that it must've been something personal they were talking about.
"That's me. You're Yunho, right?" I salute in a low voice. The cold night time air rushes past me, sending icy shivers down my spine. I hug myself in an attempt to warm up.
"Yeah, Jung Yunho." He tries his best to avoid making much conversation with me which I find a bit suspicious, considering how much of a social butterfly he usually is.
"I'm sorry was I interrupting something I shouldn't have?" I ask feeling like I've trespassed some invisible barrier.
"No, no, no. We were just discussing something about Illoriant." Seonghwa excuses trying to cover up whatever it was they were whispering about. "In fact, I think It'd be nice if you joined us for a little chat." He adds in giving me a lovely smile. I look over at Yunho who doesn't seem to have any intent in starting a conversation. The silence between the three of us is slowly eating at me, but I'm not sure how to start. Socializing has never been my forté.
"Um, I was gonna a-apologize for, uh, attacking you the other day," I practically stumble over my words trying, in any way possible, to start a conversation. Yunho seems to notice the effort I'm putting to just spit out a simple sentence and sighs.
"You really struggled with that sentence, didn't you?" I nod, thinking about how ungainly I must have seemed. Seonghwa slaps his shoulder giving him a glance to check his tone. In return, Yunho clears his throat and answers my question, "It's fine, though. You were just scared." I give him a tight lipped smile, turning to face the forecastle. My mind wanders a bit when I realize that I have a question for Seonghwa.
"Seonghwa, How's Jongho doing?" Both men seem to visibly stiffen when I ask this, which must mean he isn't doing very well. The black-haired cook crosses his arms and it's only then that I see how red and blood-shot his eyes are. In fact, Yunho's eyes are just as red as the former's.
"It... it hit him hard to hear the news. He's still in shock, not wanting to accept what's going on. I'm scared for what his reaction might be when he sees his parents."
"Poor kid," Yunho mumbles, focusing his attention back onto where he was steering, angling his body away from me. Seonghwa seems to notice the tension between Yunho and I, so he decides to step forward and the wheel.
"Yunho, I think you should get some rest. It's been a long day and we're gonna need your energy more than ever these next few days." The brunette frowns at Seonghwa's command, starting to put up a protest.
"But i--,"
"Uh-uh-uh, I'm not giving you an option. I'm counting to five and you better get to your dorm before I get mad." Seonghwa warns with a stern expression. Yunho just stands there torn between what he wants. "ONE!" The former begins to count and the latter rushes to his room defeatedly. Seonghwa steps forward taking the wheel in his hands as he stares worriedly at the brunette. Seeing his glances, I feel the need to comfort him so I step closer to him and set a hand on his shoulder. He's a bit startled at my touch but relaxes soon enough, turning his face to face me.
"Hey, How are you feeling?" I whisper earning a lopsided smile from the handsome chef. After spending a lot of time with these guys I've come to see that they all depend so much on him, yet he doesn't have anyone to depend on.
"Aside from the fact that I just gave Jongho a 5 hour therapy session, I think I'm doing fine" he answers back trying to lighten up the mood. "Couldn't sleep?" he asks. I shake my head looking down at his hands. I think really hard about what to say next but I come to a dead end. I'm honestly really trying to find a way in which I can help support these men but I don't even know the first step in counseling. Seonghwa, even with his strong act, seems to be on the verge of melting from all the emotional burden being put on him, yet I can't even come up with one word to make him feel better. Discussing feelings has always been so unnatural for me, how am I supposed to discuss that with these people that I've barely known for a few months? I decide to just screw it and slide my hands in his which confuses him. "What are you doing?" I feel a warmth rise to my cheeks as I look away unsure of how to answer.
"Holding your hand," I respond.
"Sun-Mi, are you feeling alright?" Seonghwa quickly switches his attention to me, lifting a hand to my forehead to check my temperature and eyeing me worriedly.
"What makes you say that?" I swat his hand away with my free hand and grumpily frown at my failed attempt of consolation.
"You're never touchy with any of the members unless you're scared or you have a good reason. Are you sure you're doing alright?" I become annoyed at myself.
"Ugh, Why is this so damn hard for me! I was trying to do my best to make you feel better because I noticed that you seemed so burdened by what's going on, but I don't know crap about consoling people! You make it look so easy by letting everyone rely on you and I just want to do the same thing, especially since Bina told me about how you take care of the guys here--,"
"Would you two seriously tone it down!" I snap my head mid-sentence to face the pissed off Yeosang yelling at us from the main deck with his striped pajamas on that make him look like a piece of bacon. His hair is slightly ruffled and I can see some eye-bags forming under his eyes as he glares at us murderously. "I am trying to rest after hearing Hongjoong vent out to me but you two seem to think it's a good idea to have an argument in the middle of the freaking night! If you two don't shut up, I swear you will not live to see the light of day." He storms back into the cabin under the quarter deck, slamming the door shut. I turn back to Seonghwa who is just as confused as me. He quickly shakes off the scene, turning his attention back to me.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea that's what you were doing." He admits with a breathy laugh. I pout feeling so stupid because of what just happened when I feel him slide his hand back into mine. "Don't give me that look, it was a good attempt," He reassures me squeezing my hand.
"Now, you're comforting me," I whine, making him laugh. I smile seeing his face light up and feeling the mood lift.
"I'm being honest. That attempt was weirdly adorable." I feel my stomach do a flip when I hear those words escape his lips. Heat rises to my cheeks and I look away to hide my face.
"Stop that." I murmur and he chuckles. "Look I'm trying here. It's not my fault I..." I trail off and he picks it up for me.
"You get nervous when making physical contact with guys?" My eyes dart away from his trying to give a good poker face but, like usual, my face gives me away. "Yeah I noticed. I think that's why I was so surprised to hear that you have a boyfriend. I know I'm not entitled to ask you this, but what made you that way?"
"What way?" I ask trying to pretend like I have no idea what he was talking about. He frowns, blinking a couple times at how I'm avoiding his question.
"Stop acting dumb, you know exactly what I'm talking about." I take in a sharp breath, puffing out my cheeks and knowing full well I have limited options on how I want this conversation to go.
"Seonghwa, I'd rather not talk about that. You already have a lot to juggle with. I don't want to be another burden." I finish, making eye contact with his fathomless onyx eyes. Many emotions swirl around in those dark pools of his, unable to decipher what caused me to act this way.
"Are you sure?" I nod vigorously, trying to reassure him as best I can that I am doing absolutely well.
"I promise I'll tell you when I feel ready," He purses his lips looking back ahead as he single handedly steers the boat, holding my dainty hand in his free one. I study the facial features of his side profile, getting lost in the perfect angles of his face. He is incredibly handsome, I can't deny it. I feel butterflies in my stomach as I continue to study his attractive features.
"What's he like? Your, you know, boyfriend?" Turning his head to face me, Seonghwa looks at me with a curious glance. I blink a couple of times, not responding and just starting at him with a blank expression, which embarrassed him. "Oh, I don't mean to sound intrusive I was just wondering cuz you had commented on him earlier, but if you don't feel comfortable answering that's completely fine too I just--,"
"No, no, you're fine. I just didn't think you'd be as nosy as Wooyoung." I giggle when I see his ears turn into a bright pink. He awkwardly looks away as I gather my thoughts, trying my best to answer his question. "He... was always very bright. At first glance, he might seem intimidating, but once you got to know him he was so cheerful and energetic. You'd never get bored around him and mischievous behavior." I begin.
"What else?"
"He could get very clingy one second and cold the next. It was a weird rollercoaster of emotions with him which, I guess, is what attracted me to him. But one thing I know, for sure, was that he had the sweetest heart ever. He was always so compassionate with everyone he encountered and always offered up to help. In a lot of ways, you remind me of him." I smile, my face unknowingly lightening up when I talk about Taehyung. Seonghwa mirrors my smile, a bit amused to see me talking so dearly about someone.
"What's his name?" Taking in a deep breath I turn to him, mustering up the strength to say his name without crying.
"Taehyung, you met him when you and Yeosang came to the castle. He was the one with curly brown hair who wouldn't take his hands off me." I laugh at the memory, blinking away the tears that had started to build up at my eyes.
"Isn't that the name of the soldier that... died helping you?" I nod and Seonghwa falls silent, beginning to rub circles on my hand with his thumb.
"I'm sorry," he drops his voice to a gentle whisper seeming like he might shatter my fragile state if he speaks any louder.
"Don't be. You're not the one he died trying to save," I answer sourly, biting back a new wave of tears.
"I'm sure he did it because he loved you very much," A small sniffle escapes my lips. Seonghwa notices this and tries his best to move topics
"Well, on the bright side you haven't had another, you know, episode." He motions to our intertwined hands, lifting them up so that we can both see the characters written on my inner wrist. I quickly wipe away any proof of tears and tilt my head, staring at the indecipherable insignias.
"Actually, I'm not sure about that." He quirks an eye-brow at me and I'm forced to keep going, not sure about how much I can tell him. "Do you remember that time when San was found injured?"
"At the Inn? Yeah, he told me about it. It was really weird because he didn't have any open wounds on him." he pauses, "Wait a minute, he said he had fought with you and that you were wounded also. How come you don't have any injuries?"
"That's the thing. I think I had an episode when we were fighting. I must've healed San and myself at some point." His face becomes visibly muddled as he thinks hard on what could have happened.
"But that doesn't make any sense. You guys fought on a full moon. All magic is suspended during that time."
"Exactly. That's why I'm confused." I respond, studying his expression. He's still as confused as ever as he mulls over my revelation.
"You should tell Captain. I mean he's the only other one with magic on this ship and maybe he can--,"
"NO! No, you can't."
"Why not?"
"I-I don't know, just trust me. I don't think it's a good time to tell him right now. What will the rest of the crew think? It'll make them more suspicious of me. Right now I'm only letting you and Yeosang know this. Please, keep it a secret. For me." I can see the small struggle in his eyes as he fights with himself on what he should do. I know I need to come clean with the crew at some point, but if I do it right now that everything is as crazy as it is, I feel like I might distort things even more. Seonghwa sighs already having decided what to do with the information.
"Fine I won't tell anyone. But only because Captain already has a lot on his plate," He finally concedes.
"And?"
"And because you asked me to. For the time being, I'll only let Yeosang know. Maybe that way he can help us in some way." I smile giving him a simple nod to show that I agree.
"Thank you." I squeeze his hand which he squeezes back. He begins to stare at me with a troubled look hidden in his eyes. He seems tentative, as if not sure whether he should say something to me or not. I find it a bit odd so I decide to probe him. "Why are you staring at me like that?" I giggle thinking of reasons as to why he might act this way.
"When we get to Illoriant... I want you to be as cautious as possible. There are very bad men and--,"
"Seonghwa, I'm not a child. I'm aware of the dangers there are." He shuts his mouth smiling softly at me.
"Of course, you are, but still. I don't want anything bad happening to you on our stay," He replies, looking away from me and back to the water in front of us.
"Okay."
"You promise me you'll behave?"
"Yessir," I salute him, military style making him laugh. The rich and honey-like tone filling the air around us and wrapping me in an invisible form of comfort.