Chapter 26
On the way home, I thought a lot. I thought too much. I didn't want to think at all. Slapping Ky was like slapping myself. The pain reminded me too much. I couldn't think of that. Otherwise, I would drown in a pit of darkness.
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The car lurched to a halt. "We're here Amber," I heard Damien say. I tried to open my mouth to speak but no words came out. I couldn't speak.
Then I heard Gustavo say, "She fell asleep."
I felt something graze my cheek. "She cried herself to sleep," Damien said.
A minute passed before I felt myself being lifted and carried out of the car by a pair of strong arms. My head lolled to the side and rested against a warm chest. A heartbeat vibrated against my ears and I welcomed the soothing sound. "It's all because of that bastard," Damien said softly, lowering his tone.
"She was trying so hard," Gustavo said from far away, and I realized that it was Damien who was carrying me.
"What do you mean?" Damien sounded confused.
"She was trying to stay calm," Gustavo explained. "She didn't want to freak out and leave a bad impression on your family. She got scared when she slapped him. It's completely unlike her to turn violent. She's just not like that.
"If my hunch is right, I would guess that she thought about that time, and she didn't want to feel like that again," he continued. "When that . . . happened . . . she went through this crazy stage." He paused. "She fell into a huge boat of depression and isolated herself from the rest of the world." More silence. Damien and Gustavo were walking but now the sound of a door being open and shut and then the sound of footsteps across tile became more pronounced. "Her room is this way."
"Hey Gustavo," Damien said quietly.
"Yeah?"
"Can you tell me what she was like before . . .?" He didn't finish.
Gustavo seemed to be searching for the right words. "She was always smiling, and she loved to meet new people," He finally said. "Everyone enjoyed being around her."
A door clicked and I flinched against Damien's hold, holding him tighter. "Let me turn on a lamp," Gustavo whispered. I was falling, and I held on for dear life. "No, no," I whispered.
"She's having a nightmare." Was that what this was? I squeezed my eyes even tighter. Then I felt a hand gently brush against my forehead, and a soothing voice. "It's okay, I'm right here. You have nothing to be afraid of," Damien comforted me. He started humming a sweet melody and slowly I felt my body begin to relax. But I didn't let go of Damien.
"I'll go let her parents know she's alright," Gustavo said.
"Hey Gustavo," Damien said.
"Yeah?" he said back.
"I want to help her. I want to make her forget every bad thing that's been done to her. Erase every bad memory she's had. Get rid of all those bad things people said to her. I want to show her that she's beautiful. I want to show her that one moment in life doesn't define you. I want to make new memories with her." Then his next words made me stop. "I want to help her smile again without the painful memories bearing down on her shoulders."
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When I opened my eyes, Damien was gone. I shot up frantic, but remembered where I was and that I was safe. I took a deep breath and looked around my room. At the foot of my bed was my trench coat neatly folded, and I leaned over to search the pockets for my phone. I had three missed calls and at least ten frantic text messages from Taylor, a surprising missed call from Victoria, and a single text message from Damien. I immediately clicked on it.
Call me when you're awake, is all it said.
I wanted to talk to Damien more than anything but I was afraid of what I would sound like. After hearing his conversation with Gustavo and everything that happened with Ky, I wasn't sure what to say to him. I sat there with my thumb hovering over the green call button. One. Two. Three. I pressed it to my ear and waited patiently as the phone rang once before picking up. He didn't say anything right away but I knew he was there from the sound of his breathing.
Then, finally, he spoke. "Hey," he said softly. It was as if we were face to face and the need to whisper was evident.
"Hey yourself," I mirrored the softness of his tone.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Okay, I guess," I replied. "What about you? Are you hurt?"
"Huh?" He sounded confused. "Oh, no I'm fine. I've had worse, trust me. This is like getting into a fight in elementary school." He laughed.
I smiled at his nonchalant tone. "I'm glad to hear you're okay. I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen."
"You have nothing to apologize for," Damien reassured me. "If anything, it should be him apologizing. But don't worry, I showed him what happens when you try to mess with my girl." His tone took up mock bravado and I laughed aloud.
He sighed. "Man, I love the sound of your laugh. I wish I could see your smile."
I couldn't help but blush and feel grateful he wasn't here to see me burn up with embarrassment. "I'll send you a picture later."
"I'm holding you to that promise," he said seriously.
I laughed again. "Where are you now?"
"Right now?" he said. "Right now I'm taking a walk, hoping to clear my mind, you know?"
I did know. "I wish I could do that right now."
A pause. "Well, why can't you?"
"What?" I said confused.
"Step onto your balcony."
Look out my . . . I rushed off the bed to the balcony doors and thrust them open. At first, I didn't see anything, and then I went closer to the balcony's edge. On the patch of wet grass was Damien, smiling up at me. "But how did you get . . .?" I asked over the phone.
"Well, I never really left," he said sheepishly. "I've kind of been circling your property for a while. Those gates sure are big. And those guards . . . how many do you need?" His laugh echoed through the phone and I watched his shoulders shake. I couldn't help smiling in spite of myself. He clicked his phone shut and stuffed it in his pocket. "Think I can climb it?" he yelled to me from the ground.
I looked at him. "You know, you can always use our front door. It was put there for a reason."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Where's the fun in that?" A spark of excitement shone in his eyes, and I stepped back as he tried to climb up the tree and onto the balcony. A smooth attempt, save for one slip on a branch. Otherwise, he made it seem easy.
"You're technically not allowed to be up here," I teased.
My smile faded when his eyes turned to me. "There's lots of things we're not allowed to do, or should be allowed to do, but that doesn't mean we don't get away with it." I knew he was no longer talking about us at that moment.
I lowered my head. "I'm sorry, Damien."
"Stop saying that." I looked up at his thick tone and watched a slew of emotions flit across his face as he closed the small distance between us. "That's all you've been saying since we've been together. Since that day at the hospital . . ." He didn't have to say anything more. We both remembered that day, although is his memory was probably more accurate.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Force of habit, I guess," I said jokingly.
But Damien didn't laugh. He put his hands on my shoulders in a comforting gesture and stared me right in the eyes. "But why? You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Nothing is your fault."
I swallowed, trying to find the words to speak. His hands left my shoulders to trail patterns down my bare arms, making my skin tingle, before finding their way to my fingers. Weaving them gently like a spider does its web, he led me back through the balcony doors and into my room. Never letting go of my hand, he took the dozens of pillows and blankets piled on my bed and transferred them on the floor like a cocoon, wrapping us underneath its warmth but not so claustrophobic that it would be hard to move. He waited patiently while I struggled to find the words to say.
"I guess I've just gotten so use to apologizing that I don't even realize when I do it," I said.
Damien squeezed my hand. I looked up at him and took a deep breath. "I already told you what happened." I ran my fingers through my hand and took a shaky breath. "God, it's so hard to talk about." He placed a hand on my cheek. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to talk about if you don't want to. Only when you're ready."
I shook my head. "No, I want you to know. To understand."
He gave me a sad smile. "I'd like that too."
"I already told you what had happened in Paris. I was kidnapped and . . ." Raped. " . . . and tortured, brainwashed, abused. They made me think that I was worthless, that I meant nothing. I held no value in this world. I wasn't meant to exist. And I believed them.
"But not for very long," I said quickly, noting his balled fists. "Tris, my psychiatrist, she explained to me that what they do is they try to break you to the point where you're practically begging them to kill you. They become your savior. In your eyes, they're the only one you see that can save you. At least, that's what she told me."
"It wasn't like that for you?" Damien asked cautiously, as if afraid he was entering explosive territory, which in a way he was.
I shook my head. "I didn't fear them. I hated them. With every ounce of my body, I hated them. So much. I didn't see them as being my savior. I saw them as being the one thing I hated the most in life. I hated what they did to me, how they made me feel and think. Because I believed them and I agreed with them. I believed that it had always been like that and that on the inside I always knew that I was worthless." I couldn't control the shakiness from my voice. But I wasn't just upset. I was angry. Furious. And that's what scared me the most.
"They brought out the monster in me and I will always hate them for that," I said.
"They brainwashed you into something you're not," Damien said. "You're not the one at fault. They did this to you."
"But I was the one who made the choice. I was the one who grabbed the knife. I was the one who killed him," I said through choked sobs. "It was me. No one forced me to do it. No one held a gun to my head and said you have to kill him. I wanted to kill him, and I continued to stab him even when he stopped breathing. What kind of sick person does that? I did that." The tears are rushing like a sudden rain storm and I can't stop them. I'm having troubling breathing as my lungs fight desperately to keep up with how fast my heart is racing. Damien pulls me close to his chest and I bury my face in the soft fabric of his shirt, letting the cotton soak up the salty tears. He gently stroked my hair but didn't speak. "I'm sorry I killed him. I'm sorry my parents blame themselves for what happened. I'm sorry they had to have a child like me. I'm sorry that my friends love me and care about a monster. I'm sorry I was born. I'm sorry that you have to love someone like me."
"Don't say that," he said. "You shouldn't be sorry for any of those things because you're not a monster. You're not worthless. You're so much more."
"I don't know who I am, Damien, and that scares me."
Suddenly Damien's hands were on my shoulders and he pulled back from me fast and hard. I gasped. "Then allow me to tell you who you are because I know you. I know who you are. I know you and I know that you're none of those things. You're Amber. You're smart and beautiful and full of everything good. Everyone around you can see the real you and it's beautiful with that happy smile that just shines. Everyone loves you for who you are and that's why they targeted you Amber. They saw how happy and full of love you are, everything they're not and they tried to break you because they were unhappy with themselves and their lives. You didn't do anything wrong." He looked at me with those green and gold specked eyes. "If you say you're sorry, you're apologizing for yourself being brought into this world. That's something I could never apologize for. If anything, I would get down on my knees and say thank you. Thank you for bringing Amber into my life. Because I love you Amber, and that's something I will never apologize for."
I looked into his eyes filled warmth and love. Genuine love for me and I smiled. "I love you."
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